Diana Reader

Dear Emily You taught me that reaching for external validation will always leave you empty and broken.  You challenged my thoughts, you questioned my beliefs.  You gave me the blessing to nourish without guilt.  You showed me that taking care of myself wasn't selfish.  You showed me what to look for in life, and you showed me that I'm already there. You taught me that vulnerability is beautiful. You allowed me to reach for goals but taught me that they do not define me.  In fact, you taught me that no one defines me.  You let me see that the world wouldn't shake if I didn't achieve perfection.  You gave me the freedom to seek life without constant belittlement.  You reminded me that we are all beautifully made, and when I rolled my eyes and pointed out your genericism, you pointed out my cynicism. You reminded me that we were meant for freedom. You taught me that people who need you are all around and everything I have discovered throug...

It's time for the inevitable bi-semester "Things Diana Has Learned" post. 1. Remember the stranger from the tram in "Things Diana Has Learned Part One?"  Ran into him again one dark morning.  Apparently he didn't recognize me, so he started the same conversation again.   I learned that you should always be grateful for classmates that rescue you in times of distress. 2. I learned to never accept free samples from vendors in the mall, especially because they'll probably tell you that you're not married because you have dry, damaged hair and need to buy their $200 straightener to fix that. 3. I learned that you've reached a breaking point when your professor says the word "duty" in class, so you whisper to your friend, "she said duty " just to be obnoxious.  She texts another friend in the class.  20 minutes later and the word "duty" said at least 15 more times by the professor (no joke), the friend next to you i...

I had an appointment this last week, the "intake" as you will.  I had been anticipating this for awhile, mostly mixed between feelings of dread and feelings of anxiousness.  Nervous that I would be looked at as someone who didn't belong, worried that I would be turned away because my exterior didn't match my interior.  Worried that I DID belong, worried that I would go and never get better, forever stuck in roller coaster state.  As I nervously walked into the waiting room, what I saw surprised me. I saw a room full of skeletons. Some skeletons were literal skin and bone.  Some skeletons were hidden behind layers of skin.  Some skeletons finding validity in exposure, others finding comfort in hiding through a self-inflicted, uncomfortable shroud. I didn't know the stories of these skeletons, nor do I know yours, but I do know we all have our stories.  We all have our challenges, our vices, our in-the-closet stories and our heinous mess ups that ...

Since the semester is almost half over, I thought I'd do a recap to bring some humor!  I don't have a week by week this time because everything blurs together, but here are the random, weird highlights.  I like to call it, "Things I've learned": 1. Met a guy on the train.  He started the conversation by asking if I purposely matched my phone to my water bottle (no) and within the two minutes he talked, he told me we live in the same apartment, he was an artist and a photographer, and he didn't think I looked old enough to be in grad school.  As the train came to my stop, he asked me for my number and shoved his phone in my hand.  I didn't know how to say "No thank you" without being rude, and I thought giving him a wrong number was deceitful, so now I cannot go down to the gym at my apartment because that's where he lives.  This is going to be a problem come winter.  I learned I have confrontational issues.  And need to work on saying no.  ...

Before this week even started I was struggling .  Sunday night, sitting in darkness on my closet floor, I had reached the point where I couldn't continue down the road I was.  I called a friend of whom I demanded too much, I had talked with someone who I expected to fix me and couldn't, and so as I sat against my wall (I tend to sit in my closet a lot to think...judge me if you must ;) ) and I saw two paths ahead of me.  I had to decide which one I was going to choose.  Both required sacrifice, one was immediate, one long term. A friend once told me that whenever life was difficult, he noticed it was during those times he hadn't been reading his bible.  When he'd open up the book again, even though much of it wasn't directly applicable to his life,  life would progressively become better.  That thought always stuck with me, and I have found so much truth in that statement.  It's not that reading the bible will magically make life "easy" or tha...

I was hanging by threads of dust and bone. Every angel I knew was singing come home. Have you ever felt like everyone around you is cheering for you, but you sit there because you fear you don't have the right to stand?  You wonder if you have the strength, you wonder if you have the ability, but most of all you wonder where to start. But the melody was hard to sing along.  Tonight I cleaned and cleaned; there's something soothing about scrubbing the dirt and dust out of your apartment...you think that if you scrub hard enough, clean well enough, it'll reach your soul.  Maybe then, you'll be worthy enough to stand. The thing is, no matter how hard I clean, I can't remove the stains.  I can't clean enough to remove the sin.  I can't scrub away my humanness. I've been fighting for so long, this idea that I can do things on my own.  That once I fix myself, I can be worthy enough to come to God.  That I'll be knowledgeable enough to help ot...

The most important move you ever make, as a believer, is the move you make right after you fall. Satan whispers, "You are rotten to the core, sensuous, childish, immature. You will never be holy; you will never be anything in God. So quit! Give up. It's useless to try. Go back! God is too high and holy; it's too complicated and difficult; you'll never figure it out. It's all over!"   Lies--all lies!  Your fall is not fatal.  Stop your everlasting introspection. You won't find victory, probing around the garbage dump of your evil nature.  Right direction doesn't come by understanding the wrong. So quit looking inward; look up to Him who loves you at all times. Stop trying to figure yourself out, and rejoice in His restoring, healing love. -David Wilkerson (w/adaptations) Some days I am just so sad.  It's frustrating because I don't know why.  What is this constant internal struggle to be free, this lasting bondage I place upon mys...

Morning will come and I'll do what's right Just give me till then to give up this fight And I will give up this fight "They say you accept the love you think you deserve, and I wonder what love that belongs to me, and which I accept and maybe deserve." [bgt]

Now I'm sitting alone here in my bed I'm waiting for an answer I don't know that I'll get [These Times-SafetySuit] Many weeks ago I started out a blog that I never finished.  As I was writing it, I noticed swelling on my sternum, and long story short I went to the ER until 3am.  I went from being so sad about something, to being so scared for what was going on with my body. Perspective is everything. I discovered that I don't like living alone.  I discovered that even in a city, even in the middle of a crowd, you can feel very alone.  At the same time, I discovered that even when I'm alone driving 4 hours to my apartment, I can feel comforted.  I can feel full of life. I still remember what Joe said to me when I was in high school, deciding between Northland and UMD -- he told me there were two paths in front of me, neither was wrong.  Which one would I choose?  It's a conversation that still sticks with me, because it was my first real under...

Yesterday was a historic day for America.  Regardless of what your personal opinions are, we can all agree that yesterday was a historic day.  There was loads of hugs, smiles, rainbows, and laughter.  There was also loads of disappointment, confusion, fear, and anger.  It was really hard to read comments and articles that were spewing with hatred, bigotry, slander, and disrespect. I think so much of the great divide between the two extremes of opinions is the result of fear.  This fear stems from a lack of understanding and a lack of compassion.  Many of the comments from religious people against this law come from an inability to understand how someone could be attracted to another of the same sex.  Many people whose comments were filled with slashing religious people do not understand how someone could stand for something they believe in when the world is changing and speaking a different message. I have been really, really struggling trying to f...

I went to mow my grandma's house yesterday (and five other lawns...yikes!)  I did the push mower on all of them, so my hands and feet are covered in bandaids from all the blisters.  Now you might think this to be inconvenient, but when you're like me and buy glow-in-the-dark cartoon bandaids, you'll enjoy the fact you get to see Spongebob, Patrick, and Scooby Doo every time you look at your hands.  And you'll be stoked that you get to open the Monster's Inc package next. On the way over to her house, for a brief moment I thought I should quick knock on her door to let her know I was going to start mowing.  It was that second of habit, of forgetting she was no longer there.  I was going to mow the lawn of an empty house.  And then I started reliving the fact that I'll never see her waving as I'm leaving the house.  I'll never watch her go sweep her driveway when I got grass clippings all over it (no matter how hard I tried not to!)  And that t...

A continuation of the last blog: When you believe without knowing you believe that you are damaged at your core, you also believe that you need to hide that damage for anyone to love you.   You believe that The Voice knows the truth and you don't want anyone else to discover how monstrous you are.  how dark.  How unredeemable.  Hiding seems like an act of self-preservation.  It seems like your only option if you want to have any kindness or love in your life.  When you are in total agreement with The Voice, you convince yourself that your best and only recourse is to be ashamed of yourself and to try harder to get it right.  Be The Voice's idea of you.  Be someone different, someone you're not. Sometimes I wish I could go back to a time when this world hadn't gotten to me.  Before I heard of diets, before the media introduced me to photoshop, before I was told I was too skinny, too fat, too dumb, too smart, too lazy, too bus...

Being in a relationship [whether romantic or platonic] with someone and refusing to surrender to the love because you don't want to give yourself to something you will eventually lose.  That's called living in hell.  That's also called leaving without leaving.  Dying before you die.  It's as if there is a part of you that so rails against being shattered by love that you shatter yourself first.  Another name for this pattern?  Obsession. Have you ever had a book that seemed to understand your thought process and expressed it in ways you never could?  Have you ever read something that explained everything you've ever felt but never knew how to communicate?  I recently read the book Women Food God  by Geneen Roth (quote from above and throughout) and was awestruck at how much it hit home.  Per usual, when I find a book that I relate to, I underline, highlight, footnote, and memorize passages I connect with.  This book has been the m...

I realized today that over my life I've believed that everything good or bad I've done has been credited to others.  I am a good reader because my grandma used to read to me when I was little.  I excel in school because my mom taught me the proper way to study.  My athletic ability was passed down from my dad.  My understanding of God was taught to me by a friend.  My acceptance of others was developed by J.K. Rowling.   In all these things, my being was formed by God. I also though, accredited the bad things to others.  My fears of pain was brought on by movies.  I gained weight because I was tired of people trying to force me to eat.  My ideal body image was shaped by the media.  My burning acknowledgement of my insufficiency grew as I learned of people like Mother Theresa, MLK, and so many heroes that were simply people striving for something better.   What I learned was that all of these things, good or bad, positive ...

I was doing fine with the fact that it was my last day of work today until a patient brought me flowers as a going away present.  Giving hugs to my coworkers and bosses as I left, I realized something: My heart is not equipped for goodbyes. And the thing is, I really thought I prepared myself.  I've tried not to feel so much, tried not to care so much, tried to keep an arms length away so I wouldn't have such a hard time.  As much as I've tried to keep distancing myself, I've found that my head hates it here and my hearts still hurts. The funeral of a friend, someone who I didn't know too well, someone who I grew up watching but rarely talking with, yet someone who I grieve for tonight.  Someone who I can't stop the tears from falling for them.  Why do we have to say goodbye?  Why do we have to live in such a fallen world? I rarely go to church.  My days are filled with thoughts of the Lord, but also with thoughts of this world.  I had con...

God says, 'The reason why some people have turned against you and walked away from you without reason has nothing to do with you.  It is because I have removed them from your life because they cannot go where I am taking you next.  They would only hinder you at the next level because they have already served their purpose in  your life.  Let them go and keep moving.  Greater is coming your way.' If you know me, you know that I have trouble letting people go.  I love seeing a stranger become a close friend, I love receiving the smile of a classmate from across the lawn, I love discovering people one conversation at a time.  As life may have it though, people move away, friends become strangers, people you hoped that would stay close end up lost in the chaos that is life. Sometimes I'm relieved by this.  Sometimes people are toxic and it's important to distance yourself.   But sometimes people are wonderful, though they ar...

Save your breath. Let peace fill your chest. We all feel the failure. Delusion and distress. There's power in the fear, weakness in the sun.   The silence of the world can be so haunting to your thoughts and to your soul, to your soul. But it's all a state of mind. Play your version  Imperfect song for me. The voice that you given Can't be broken as far as I can see. There's power in the fear, weakness in the sun. The secrets of the world can be so daunting to your thoughts and to your soul, to your soul. But it's all a state of mind. We all have the chance to write our story, and how we write it is based on the choices we make.  I've been doing a lot of self understanding lately, and this weekend came upon a surprising discovery.  I realized I've been pushing God's goodness away, believing that I cannot truly be worthy of love unless I fix all my brokenness, until I change myself first.  Through that false understanding of God, I proje...