When we say goodbye
I was doing fine with the fact that it was my last day of work today until a patient brought me flowers as a going away present. Giving hugs to my coworkers and bosses as I left, I realized something:
My heart is not equipped for goodbyes.
And the thing is, I really thought I prepared myself. I've tried not to feel so much, tried not to care so much, tried to keep an arms length away so I wouldn't have such a hard time. As much as I've tried to keep distancing myself, I've found that my head hates it here and my hearts still hurts.
The funeral of a friend, someone who I didn't know too well, someone who I grew up watching but rarely talking with, yet someone who I grieve for tonight. Someone who I can't stop the tears from falling for them. Why do we have to say goodbye? Why do we have to live in such a fallen world?
I rarely go to church. My days are filled with thoughts of the Lord, but also with thoughts of this world. I had convinced myself that it wasn't necessary, that it isn't everything. And it isn't. I had convinced myself that I didn't need it. I had tried to tell myself that it's too uncomfortable. But the the underlying issue isn't about me. Church isn't about me. Life isn't about me.
It's about Christ.
Going to church shouldn't be what one can get out of it, but what one can bring to it. Fellowship, support, WORSHIP, love, gratitude, forgiveness, repentance, awe, faith, joy. These are the things that Church is for. It's not about us, it's about Him.
I always thought that if we push away, if we don't get too close, we won't hurt as much. As if by stopping a relationship from happening, the pain of losing them never really touches you.
Tonight I discovered that even when we push away, we lose.
Except what we lose is so much more than what we gained. When we devoid ourselves from connections, from allowing ourselves to fully feel, we may deny some pain, but we also deny ourselves from so much love. Whether it's friends, family, patients, clients, coworkers, the man next to you on the bus, the taxi driver, the clerk in the store; all of them have a story. What immense love we would miss out on if we never let ourselves get close enough to feel. Alive enough to love, aware enough to hurt, and wise enough to give thanks. It's in times like these, between all the funerals and all the goodbyes, that I lean on the resurrection more than ever.
It's times like these when my faith, however lacking, gives praise to God for the love He gave so we may be with Him again. It's times like these that I am so grateful that we will all, one day, see each other again. It's times like these, when goodbyes are only temporary, when I remember that God has a bigger plan, when I am relieved that we will once again join hands in worship, together, as one, in Christ.
My heart is not equipped for goodbyes.
And the thing is, I really thought I prepared myself. I've tried not to feel so much, tried not to care so much, tried to keep an arms length away so I wouldn't have such a hard time. As much as I've tried to keep distancing myself, I've found that my head hates it here and my hearts still hurts.
The funeral of a friend, someone who I didn't know too well, someone who I grew up watching but rarely talking with, yet someone who I grieve for tonight. Someone who I can't stop the tears from falling for them. Why do we have to say goodbye? Why do we have to live in such a fallen world?
I rarely go to church. My days are filled with thoughts of the Lord, but also with thoughts of this world. I had convinced myself that it wasn't necessary, that it isn't everything. And it isn't. I had convinced myself that I didn't need it. I had tried to tell myself that it's too uncomfortable. But the the underlying issue isn't about me. Church isn't about me. Life isn't about me.
It's about Christ.
Going to church shouldn't be what one can get out of it, but what one can bring to it. Fellowship, support, WORSHIP, love, gratitude, forgiveness, repentance, awe, faith, joy. These are the things that Church is for. It's not about us, it's about Him.
I always thought that if we push away, if we don't get too close, we won't hurt as much. As if by stopping a relationship from happening, the pain of losing them never really touches you.
Tonight I discovered that even when we push away, we lose.
Except what we lose is so much more than what we gained. When we devoid ourselves from connections, from allowing ourselves to fully feel, we may deny some pain, but we also deny ourselves from so much love. Whether it's friends, family, patients, clients, coworkers, the man next to you on the bus, the taxi driver, the clerk in the store; all of them have a story. What immense love we would miss out on if we never let ourselves get close enough to feel. Alive enough to love, aware enough to hurt, and wise enough to give thanks. It's in times like these, between all the funerals and all the goodbyes, that I lean on the resurrection more than ever.
It's times like these when my faith, however lacking, gives praise to God for the love He gave so we may be with Him again. It's times like these that I am so grateful that we will all, one day, see each other again. It's times like these, when goodbyes are only temporary, when I remember that God has a bigger plan, when I am relieved that we will once again join hands in worship, together, as one, in Christ.
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