Obsession: Part 2

A continuation of the last blog:

 When you believe without knowing you believe that you are damaged at your core, you also believe that you need to hide that damage for anyone to love you.  

 You believe that The Voice knows the truth and you don't want anyone else to discover how monstrous you are.  how dark.  How unredeemable.  Hiding seems like an act of self-preservation.  It seems like your only option if you want to have any kindness or love in your life.  When you are in total agreement with The Voice, you convince yourself that your best and only recourse is to be ashamed of yourself and to try harder to get it right.  Be The Voice's idea of you.  Be someone different, someone you're not.


Sometimes I wish I could go back to a time when this world hadn't gotten to me.  Before I heard of diets, before the media introduced me to photoshop, before I was told I was too skinny, too fat, too dumb, too smart, too lazy, too busy.  Sometimes I wish I had never listened to The Voice in the first place...The Voice that comes from all of these different worldly outlets, seeping into our systems like mercury, slowly and surely killing any life it finds.

This Voice, this Voice inside our head that tells us all the ways we fall short, all the ways we need to change, all the ways we are not good enough, how do we turn off this Voice?  The voice of Satan, the voice of sin, the voice of this world.  The louder this Voice becomes, the further away the voice of God is.  The harder it is to hear Him.  The more damaged we feel, the more we turn to The Voice to help redeem us in our hopeless state.  The more we turn to The Voice, the more we hate ourselves.  The more we see a mirror of black.  



When you look at the world through shattered lenses, the world looks shattered.

 Everything we see is an interpretation of who we are.  So how to we look at the world with wonder and love when we feel so broken inside?  When we are obsessed with pleasing The Voice?

The obsession will end when you love discovering your true nature more than you love being loyal to your mother or father.  The obsession will end because you care enough about yourself to stop damaging yourself.  Because you love yourself enough to stop hurting yourself.  

Mostly, I think we will be able to overcome the horror of The Voice when we are able to see ourselves as God sees us.  When we have a proper understanding of God.


I think the hardest thing about listening to The Voice is that it hurts those around us that we love.  When we hate ourselves, others suffer.  Maybe that's the breaking point, when you can't find enough love for yourself to change, you do it for those around you.  A part of you breaks when you see someone else breaking; maybe that's the only way we are able to crawl out of the hole we dug for ourselves.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Conversations from a graveyard

Image
There's so much I have to say.  So, here goes everything. I stopped at the graveyard today.  Impulsively.  I was driving home from the store when a song came on from Tenth Avenue North, and I totally lost it.  I haven't cried in a long time.  It's really weird, I used to cry almost every night, but since last year, I just don't cry much.  Today though, today it all broke free. It wasn't one thing that hit me, but a thousand things.  I've been resisting the want to call certain people because I know I need to let go.  The strength of that is draining.  I've been studying and worrying about classes and life after school.  The stress of that is draining.  I'm sure you all have your own stresses and strength drainers in life; today was a mix of everything. I pulled into the graveyard and just cried.  I cried for all the people who were buried here, their earthly life over.  I cried for those who may not have kn...
Read more

A Passion Like Paul

I want to have a passion like Paul.  I want to have that desire, that fire, that intensity. I want that love. I've finished reading Acts and am into Romans, which is probably why I've suddenly rediscovered the amazing fire Paul has about the Lord.  This man, Paul, has undergone capture, imprisonment, torture, rejection, and yet he STILL is on fire for Christ.  He continues his mission, as eager and passionate as ever, filled with love, humility, and forgiveness.  Here is a man who went from persecuting to persecutee. Here is a man who revolutionized is way of thinking, believing, living. Here is a man who has changed . I love that Paul is able to relate to is audience so phenomenally.  He knew what it was like to hate Christians, to kill them, to find them evil, because he used to believe that.  But then his life was changed forever.  He did a 180 degree turn and became a missionary who knew the importance and had the unending love to sh...
Read more

Deprecation

Why have I been a Christian for 25 years and still not know what that means? Why does everyone seem so solid in their understanding and I'm floating around like, "Yeah, your version makes sense too..." Why does everyone tell me the answer comes when you seek it, but I'm not good at hide-and-seek? Why do I have so many questions? If you've ever had one of those this-is-too-much-to-handle moments, you might understand that there are times when you're on your knees exhausted, angry, and surrendered, wondering if this is rock bottom.  I've only had two of those moments in my life, one when I was younger, and one in the shower covered with leftover glitter but feeling anything but sparkle. I rarely talk aloud when I pray, but today was different.  I was verbally, brutally honest with God, something that a normal person might think to be strange but the anger came surprisingly easy and burned like a pile of wood soaked in gasoline.  It only took one li...
Read more