My Deliverer
I was hanging by threads of dust and bone.
Every angel I knew was singing come home.
Have you ever felt like everyone around you is cheering for you, but you sit there because you fear you don't have the right to stand? You wonder if you have the strength, you wonder if you have the ability, but most of all you wonder where to start.
But the melody was hard to sing along.
Tonight I cleaned and cleaned; there's something soothing about scrubbing the dirt and dust out of your apartment...you think that if you scrub hard enough, clean well enough, it'll reach your soul. Maybe then, you'll be worthy enough to stand.
The thing is, no matter how hard I clean, I can't remove the stains. I can't clean enough to remove the sin. I can't scrub away my humanness.
I've been fighting for so long, this idea that I can do things on my own. That once I fix myself, I can be worthy enough to come to God. That I'll be knowledgeable enough to help others. That I'll be worth being around. That I'll be able to be a good role model. That I'll be worth the phrase, "Well done my good and faithful servant." I have never felt I deserved such a phrase. So much of my brokeness stems from selfishness. I've thought for so long, there's no way He'll forgive me for failing again. There's no way that I deserve forgiveness when every day I fall short, when I make promises I don't keep, when I want so badly to take care of the temple and yet I am so entwined by the false promise that my way is better. That my way will set me free.
I spoke with a woman this week, discussing these things. Talking about the struggle. She told me she saw the intensity of my compassion, the groundedness of my speech, the reality of my genuinity. She then told me she knew I would exceed. She knew I would fully overcome. She talked with me about faith and trusted I would be okay. Hearing that meant the world to me. But I didn't fully believe her just yet. I spoke with another who reminded me of the grace of God. A free gift, that at the core I didn't think I deserved (which is true) but even more, didn't know how to fully accept it.
So I deleted a hefty amount of music on my iTunes. I decided I'd give God a chance to fill up my heart, to stand by me instead of feeling like I was chasing Him but running in the wrong direction. I decided I needed to accept this gift of grace without regard to my own being, but instead because of who He is.
Romans 6:14 says, "Sin is no longer your master, for you no longer live under the requirements of the law. Instead, you live under the freedom of God's grace."
As my friend put it, the battle is already won. The fight is over. Rest and be reassured, this isn't a game.
When you realize the verdict is already in, and you let go of the brokeness within. There's only One who can stand and win.
And now I'm like a child at night who never has to think of why. We're free to love and live and die and there's no need to justify. The sinner that's inside of me has lost all it's control of me.
For everything that will be done
I am yours
and you are my
Deliverer.
Rest easy my friend. The war is already won.
Every angel I knew was singing come home.
Have you ever felt like everyone around you is cheering for you, but you sit there because you fear you don't have the right to stand? You wonder if you have the strength, you wonder if you have the ability, but most of all you wonder where to start.
But the melody was hard to sing along.
Tonight I cleaned and cleaned; there's something soothing about scrubbing the dirt and dust out of your apartment...you think that if you scrub hard enough, clean well enough, it'll reach your soul. Maybe then, you'll be worthy enough to stand.
The thing is, no matter how hard I clean, I can't remove the stains. I can't clean enough to remove the sin. I can't scrub away my humanness.
I've been fighting for so long, this idea that I can do things on my own. That once I fix myself, I can be worthy enough to come to God. That I'll be knowledgeable enough to help others. That I'll be worth being around. That I'll be able to be a good role model. That I'll be worth the phrase, "Well done my good and faithful servant." I have never felt I deserved such a phrase. So much of my brokeness stems from selfishness. I've thought for so long, there's no way He'll forgive me for failing again. There's no way that I deserve forgiveness when every day I fall short, when I make promises I don't keep, when I want so badly to take care of the temple and yet I am so entwined by the false promise that my way is better. That my way will set me free.
I spoke with a woman this week, discussing these things. Talking about the struggle. She told me she saw the intensity of my compassion, the groundedness of my speech, the reality of my genuinity. She then told me she knew I would exceed. She knew I would fully overcome. She talked with me about faith and trusted I would be okay. Hearing that meant the world to me. But I didn't fully believe her just yet. I spoke with another who reminded me of the grace of God. A free gift, that at the core I didn't think I deserved (which is true) but even more, didn't know how to fully accept it.
So I deleted a hefty amount of music on my iTunes. I decided I'd give God a chance to fill up my heart, to stand by me instead of feeling like I was chasing Him but running in the wrong direction. I decided I needed to accept this gift of grace without regard to my own being, but instead because of who He is.
Romans 6:14 says, "Sin is no longer your master, for you no longer live under the requirements of the law. Instead, you live under the freedom of God's grace."
As my friend put it, the battle is already won. The fight is over. Rest and be reassured, this isn't a game.
When you realize the verdict is already in, and you let go of the brokeness within. There's only One who can stand and win.
And now I'm like a child at night who never has to think of why. We're free to love and live and die and there's no need to justify. The sinner that's inside of me has lost all it's control of me.
For everything that will be done
I am yours
and you are my
Deliverer.
Rest easy my friend. The war is already won.
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