Diana Reader

New Years is coming quickly, and with that many are making lists of resolutions, hoping "this year will be different" but knowing that with human resolutions comes human failure.  Soon gyms will be busy with people hoping to get into shape, diet plans will be started in full force, and then people will fall back into their old ways and the gyms will become emptier and the fridge fuller.  We spend so much time searching for quick weight loss diets, run like a hamster on a wheel trying to fit into a dress by a certain date, only to end up stuffing ourselves with the food of failure, feeling heavier, and emptier all the while. I didn't post my last blog as it was more of a reflections for myself.  Feel free to read, it's a bit long but just takes about my last year's resolutions and how they played out.  This year, I wanted to do something different.  I don't want to make a resolution, but rather, a life style.  Something that I will constantly work on, try ...

With New Years around the corner, the thought of renewal, restarting, and reflecting is in the air.  This past year, I had a different type of resolution.  I chose a word to overview my year: Surrender.  Each month I would surrender something different, thinking by the end of the year I would have accomplished 12 different things. I thought it'd be insightful to sit down and write out what I had planned, and what has happened since I began this journey 12 months ago.  This blog is more for my own self reflection, so no pressure to continue reading....it's more just for me to organize the thoughts in my head so I can process it all.  You've been dually warned.  Now I'll begin. January Surrendering the need to ask for advice.  With UMD finished, and no more direction as to what I'm supposed to do with my life, I chose to stop asking everyone else what they think I should do.  This month I made all decisions by myself.  For a girl who RELIE...

Picture it: midnight, curled up in bed with five pillows, two blankets, and a down comforter.  You can hear the winter wind howling outside, the sky sparkling and swirling like someone just shook a snow globe.  Lamp on beside you, music softly playing around you, enveloping you in a winter hug.  Mind spinning, body tossing and turning in an anticipation I could not define. I started writing this blog about passion.  But when my mind was tired, I closed my computer, hoping my thoughts would make more sense in the morning.  The weekend came, and in the back of my mind I knew I wanted to finish this post. There was something about last night driving (literally!) out in the sticks, spending the evening with good friends, a wood stove, an acoustic guitar, mellow music, and genuine conversation that made me delve into reality.  Here's a video to give you a little taste into the night, a silly song by a talented musician, the beginning of a night I wasn't expe...

"We live in Holy Saturday -- one foot in Good Friday and the other in Easter Sunday.  We are given newness out of the ashes of brokenness." [ David Tryggstad ] I've walked over 65 miles in the past two weeks.  It wasn't until tonight that I realized I had missed a simple question -- have I gotten anywhere? You see, I've been walking and walking, hours upon hours, believing I was walking away from the past and walking into the future.  Ironically though, I was on a treadmill  metaphorically and literally. To face your battles, you can't just turn around and half-ass walk away.  You have to actually FACE them.  Head on, head strong. I've been plagued with dreams ever since my grandma passed away.  It's still all so fresh, and yet seems like forever.  It's like living in a weird parallel universe, thinking I'll wake up one day and she'll be there, only to realize that's never going to happen on this earth again.  I've had dreams ...

There are two people I thought of asking their view before writing, both are incredibly insightful and have helped me previously when faced with difficult topics.  I realized though, with one being married and the other someone I used to date, I held too much skepticism in my heart and knew I needed to answer this on my own.  So bear with me.   A close friend asked me what love is.  A huge, weighted question, one I attempted to address in a blog long ago.  So after directing them to that blog (May 2013 if you want to check it out), I realized that situational questions called for situational answers.   Why do people come in and out of our lives, many with no apparent reason other than to disappoint, hurt, or frustrate us?  Why do we get so excited about meeting new people, only to have them disappear faster than we get to know their story?   The more I write, the more frustrated I get.  These aren't my questions, but have become ...

You see, I quite honestly believe that every stranger we pass on the street is a connection lost. Every stranger holds the potential to divert our direction, be it for a day or a lifetime. Call it the butterfly effect, sliding doors, whatever—it’s an idea that I find both incredibly liberating and terrifying at the same time. Most people underestimate the significance of a moment. The paradox of a moment is that an instant in time can be more significant than the sum of all moments up until then.   [smd] I've had this jittering anxiousness inside me.  It's this increasing desire, this internal force pushing me forward, this  something  directing me  somewhere .   Inexhaustible hunger. I'm not talking about a physical hunger.  I'm not even talking about a spiritual hunger.  I'm talking about the gray in-between.  The physically spiritual; the spiritually physical.  That aching part of you, the rush of adrenaline in your bloo...

"We've let the world tell us what forgiveness means.  We've let the job market define our skill sets.  We've let the SAT or ACT define how smart we are.  We let labels pigeonhole our beliefs about ourselves and shape our views.  The antidote is God's Word and prayer.   We must learn to put all of our weight on Jesus , to dig deep into his Word and obey his nudges to reach out to others in his love. All the while, he will bide his time and work out his dream for us.  All the while, he will teach us to thrive."  [Casting Crowns] I was up until 3 last night trying to figure out what exactly I wanted to write about for this blog; how I was going to get my thoughts across.  I decided to sleep instead of write, and today I came down to the coffee shop in hopes that something would spark my voice.  I was about to give up as I was cleaning out my emails, when I came across one that I had accidentally deleted without reading.  The quote above...

This summer has been quite the summer.  I've driven here and there, spending most time on the road. Interviews, shadowing, volunteering, hospitals visits--a summer on the road.  My life I've always wanted to be a plan to get from point A to point B.  God's teaching me that life wouldn't require faith if it was all planned out simply...and thus, it's been a summer of surrendering my plan and growing in faith. My grandma isn't doing the greatest.  I could go into detail or give a fast description of what's going on, but no words really can describe the daily emotions behind it all.  In essence, we're not sure whether she'll ever be the same.  I was taking it really well, knowing that it was my job to be the solid foundation for my mom, as she is having a hard time watching her mom go through this.  I've always been the one to keep a clear head during times of difficulty, mostly because I've been able to separate myself from the situatio...

"Sometimes I wonder why you even love me.  And why you ever chose to call me child." [Third Day, You Are Mine] A friend told me about a woman who was worried about her daughter's weight issues.  She was searching for books (listed below), advice, or something that would help her better grasp what her daughter was going through and know how to help her have a good self image.  My friend directed her to my blog, so this post is dedicated to her and her daughter.  I don't know your story, but I know what a difficult struggle body image can be to all genders, of all ages.  Most of us have either faced these issues, or loved someone who has been through body dysmorphia. Being addicted to alcohol, to nicotine, to pornography, to substance abuse, all of these things can be devastating.  Life threatening.  The hopeful part about it all though, is that by quitting you can be set free.  I've known people who have stopped smoking and never picked up anot...

"I think the things we want most in life, the things we think will set us free, are not the things we need." There's been a lot going on in my life lately, far too much to blog about, but it's given me a lot of thoughts.  Recently I've been super attentive to how people interact with each other in their relationships. The topic of this blog has been a long time coming. Without going into details, I've been cleaning out someone's house due to a changing environment.  Someone that had gone through divorce many years ago and never really recovered.  Bitterness enveloped this person, and it's so scary to think how much negativity can change you if you let it.  Unforgiveness really is the selfish man's poison. "I am afraid of rejection, and I am afraid that I won't feel the same way tomorrow, and I have no faith in the system that God made." [Blue Like Jazz] This idea alone has me second-guessing my trust in relationship, making ...

I really didn't want to write this blog.  I've been putting it off and putting it off, mostly because I don't even know where I want to take it, but it's something that keeps on knocking, keeps on asking.  So, here's to wherever this blog will lead. About a month ago I ordered a bikini from a magazine I've been getting.  I had this vision of what color, style, and design I wanted my swim suit to have, as I enjoy designing clothes as a hobby.  It's something I've never told anyone, but I have a sketch book I keep for myself and enjoy creating and designing various styles.  I don't sew clothes much, so it's not something I'll probably ever show anyone or pursue, but instead I'll draw it and then look for years trying to find something similar in stores.  Anyway, the bikini I ordered was about as close to my design as I was going to get, since I'd been looking for about four years, so I bought it.  I went through this whole contemplati...

Oh summer.  The season of flowers, sunshine, beaches, bonfires, warm days and cold nights, loud concerts and quiet moments.  For some, having your heart broken.  For others, falling in love and of course, weddings. I was talking with a friend years ago while we were searching the jewelry counter for a gift for someone else when we got on the topic of weddings and diamond rings.  He mentioned that some day he'd have to buy a diamond, since that's what all girls want.  I remember looking at him and realizing that not actually what I wanted.  Thinking that in this world, where weddings and rings and perfect dresses and details are so stressed to be exact and hold up to some 'standard', where each person wants to outdo the last, have 'her day' be of perfection, the pressure of 'quick get married like everyone else.'  Maybe I'm different in realizing that's not what I want.  All I could do was look at him and murmur, "Not every girl wants a dia...

I have a few reasons for writing this blog, despite the last blog's attempt to end my blogging. 1) This will be the 50th post, and really, who ends at 49? 2) I started blogging a year ago from Tuesday, so it seemed appropriate to acknowledge that 3) I have been searching and searching for someone to fully explain what I've been experiencing lately, and yet, I don't know where to turn I think that's the thing about writing, it's easier to let down your walls.  If you're anything like me, it's really difficult to open up to those around you...even those closest to you.  It's frustrating really, because sometimes the one person you need to talk to, the one who can give you the insight you need, the faith in yourself to push forward, and the trust to let go, is the one who is at the root of so much of the things you go through.  Funny how that works, the one that you need the most to fix everything is the one who you can't turn to.  What a contradi...

This will be my last blog.  At least in the style I am writing.  One year ago, in the silent hours of early morning, I wrote my first blog.  Not knowing where I was going with it, or what I wanted to get out of it, I simply decided it was time to explore what was on my mind..sometimes surprising even myself with my honesty and learning things I never realized I had buried so deep within.  I've spent mornings in coffee shops writing in the serenity of the atmosphere, pulled all nighters writing in the darkness and hoping my words weren't too honest to be considered unacceptable, written after filling myself without really filling my hunger, written when I was confused and excited and unsure and hopeful. Today though, I decided it was time to let go of this experience and move on.  I've loved being able to express myself through writing, but the more I have written, the more I have discovered the girl who once was vibrant is still within me, trying to come back....

I finished my third sweater today.  I know, you're probably thinking I have the coolest hobbies (sarcasm) but honestly, there's something about keeping my hands busy and making something useful that makes me feel like I'm accomplishing something in my downtime.  Ironically, I finished it at the same place I finished my first sweater two years ago.  Only difference was the furniture was changed around, just like the people in my life. Funny how much can change in such a short time. I woke up ridiculously early a couple days ago from this dream, another sad one per usual.  It was one of those dreams that shakes you up a bit, and you start to question your decisions and wonder if what you've convinced yourself to feel isn't really how you actually feel.  Part of my dream I was running...running away from all of it, and for all of it.  I just kept running, and running, and running.   Wondering if anyone could catch up.  Running away from someone,...