He Whispers

The most important move you ever make, as a believer, is the move you make right after you fall. Satan whispers, "You are rotten to the core, sensuous, childish, immature. You will never be holy; you will never be anything in God. So quit! Give up. It's useless to try. Go back! God is too high and holy; it's too complicated and difficult; you'll never figure it out. It's all over!"  Lies--all lies!  Your fall is not fatal. Stop your everlasting introspection. You won't find victory, probing around the garbage dump of your evil nature. 

Right direction doesn't come by understanding the wrong. So quit looking inward; look up to Him who loves you at all times. Stop trying to figure yourself out, and rejoice in His restoring, healing love.

-David Wilkerson (w/adaptations)


Some days I am just so sad.  It's frustrating because I don't know why.  What is this constant internal struggle to be free, this lasting bondage I place upon myself, the chains I continue to clench my hands around still hoping that if I hold tight enough they will break within my hands.  Realizing [but not realizing] that I am not stronger than metal.  

My hands cannot break steel.

I keep going back and forth between trying and failing.  I put up reminders to be kind to my body and then tear them down when I don't follow through.  The roller coaster ride I never wanted to get on has me oh so high and oh so low.  I feel guilty for not giving my money to the homeless on the street, guilty for spending it on food and clothes I do not need, oh so guilty for not getting to know my classmates better, not seeing what they need, not engaging as much in their lives, guilty for not calling old friends and keeping up with their lives, guilty for not responding.  Guilty for not going to church in ages but not having the desire or the feelings of worth to attend.  Guilty because I should have this all figured out by now but I still struggle like I have for so long.  Guilty because my grades aren't where I want them to be, guilty because I should be studying, guilty because others have helped me so much with this and I just can't seem to get better.  Oh. So. Guilty.  All the while I hear the echoes of Dr. Carey's quote by Voltaire:

Le mieux est L'ennemi du bien.

The perfect is the enemy of the good.

I just want someone to tell me how to be happy.  How to give me the knowledge to be faith to Christ.  I just want to stop feeling so sad all the time.  

I just want to be free.

The fact that freedom in Christ is given as a gift is a hard concept for me to wrap my head around.  I've been so focused on perfection, on trying so hard to succeed on my own and through that falling further and further from the truth, not knowing how to let go.  As Ben Sledge stated so accurately, "I know I'm a train wreck in a dumpster fire." 

What he continues to say is what caught my heart: 
And yet, God loves me and is cheering for me as I get better and especially when I fall down.  Where I see failure he sees opportunity for growth.  Where I see addiction he sees an opportunity to take a step.  Where I've given up he whispers...

 You can make it.


So if you're feeling at all like me, whatever your circumstances, however much you try to hide when inside you wonder if you'll be able to hold on, just remember that whisper to your heart...

You can make it.

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