Alone in a Crowd
Now I'm sitting alone here in my bed
I'm waiting for an answer I don't know that I'll get
[These Times-SafetySuit]
Many weeks ago I started out a blog that I never finished. As I was writing it, I noticed swelling on my sternum, and long story short I went to the ER until 3am. I went from being so sad about something, to being so scared for what was going on with my body.
Perspective is everything.
I discovered that I don't like living alone. I discovered that even in a city, even in the middle of a crowd, you can feel very alone. At the same time, I discovered that even when I'm alone driving 4 hours to my apartment, I can feel comforted. I can feel full of life.
I still remember what Joe said to me when I was in high school, deciding between Northland and UMD -- he told me there were two paths in front of me, neither was wrong. Which one would I choose? It's a conversation that still sticks with me, because it was my first real understanding of the grey areas of life, knowing that I could never go down the other path once I decided.
Of course, Northland had its ups and downs, but I am so grateful for the people I met that I can now call friends. I do wonder though, if I would have been less afraid of saying goodbye, if I could have been better. Better at every person I fell in love with, which knowing my heart, there were lots. I tend to fall in love a little bit with every person that shows me their passion, that tells me their story. It's not a dating kind of love, just a genuine 'you-are-incredible' love.
I still do this, even in the cities. A piece of me felt so much love for the elderly man who came on the subway a couple weeks ago. We never spoke, I just watched him. He looked sad, and my heart broke. I watched him take his groceries and get off the subway at his stop, and I watched him walk away. Why did this bring me to tears? Why does this thought STILL bring me to tears? I think part of it is because I just want him to experience an unconditional love. I pray that he finds the love of the Lord. I don't know his story, I don't know anything about him, I just know that I felt an immense amount of love toward him.
Have you ever felt like you have so much love for someone that your heart might explode?
Is this what God feels like, but on a way larger scale?
I had some friends up this past weekend for the fair, and at the end we said our goodbyes and drove away. It was another "Diana" moment, when suddenly I had that overwhelming sadness that comes with goodbyes, and an overwhelming love for these people in my life. I think the mix of emotion came from knowing that things will change. People will move away, move on, move forward. And that's a GOOD thing, but also a HARD thing to accept.
So I pray once again to God who I know hears me but I am so unworthy to talk to. I pray for an answer that I don't know if I'll ever get. I pray I find a home in my heart, a comfort in His presence.
I pray that this overwhelming love I feel doesn't bring so much sadness.
I pray that we stop looking to others for fulfillment. I pray that we fervently look to the Lord.
I pray that this love we have is unconditional, I pray that the Lord will forgive us when we fail time and time again.
I pray, most of all, that you find perspective. That you sort our your priorities. That you remember what's important in life. That you find passion. That you find love. That you give passion. That you give love.
That you may feel that overwhelming love without sadness.
I'm waiting for an answer I don't know that I'll get
[These Times-SafetySuit]
Many weeks ago I started out a blog that I never finished. As I was writing it, I noticed swelling on my sternum, and long story short I went to the ER until 3am. I went from being so sad about something, to being so scared for what was going on with my body.
Perspective is everything.
I discovered that I don't like living alone. I discovered that even in a city, even in the middle of a crowd, you can feel very alone. At the same time, I discovered that even when I'm alone driving 4 hours to my apartment, I can feel comforted. I can feel full of life.
I still remember what Joe said to me when I was in high school, deciding between Northland and UMD -- he told me there were two paths in front of me, neither was wrong. Which one would I choose? It's a conversation that still sticks with me, because it was my first real understanding of the grey areas of life, knowing that I could never go down the other path once I decided.
Of course, Northland had its ups and downs, but I am so grateful for the people I met that I can now call friends. I do wonder though, if I would have been less afraid of saying goodbye, if I could have been better. Better at every person I fell in love with, which knowing my heart, there were lots. I tend to fall in love a little bit with every person that shows me their passion, that tells me their story. It's not a dating kind of love, just a genuine 'you-are-incredible' love.
I still do this, even in the cities. A piece of me felt so much love for the elderly man who came on the subway a couple weeks ago. We never spoke, I just watched him. He looked sad, and my heart broke. I watched him take his groceries and get off the subway at his stop, and I watched him walk away. Why did this bring me to tears? Why does this thought STILL bring me to tears? I think part of it is because I just want him to experience an unconditional love. I pray that he finds the love of the Lord. I don't know his story, I don't know anything about him, I just know that I felt an immense amount of love toward him.
Have you ever felt like you have so much love for someone that your heart might explode?
Is this what God feels like, but on a way larger scale?
I had some friends up this past weekend for the fair, and at the end we said our goodbyes and drove away. It was another "Diana" moment, when suddenly I had that overwhelming sadness that comes with goodbyes, and an overwhelming love for these people in my life. I think the mix of emotion came from knowing that things will change. People will move away, move on, move forward. And that's a GOOD thing, but also a HARD thing to accept.
So I pray once again to God who I know hears me but I am so unworthy to talk to. I pray for an answer that I don't know if I'll ever get. I pray I find a home in my heart, a comfort in His presence.
I pray that this overwhelming love I feel doesn't bring so much sadness.
I pray that we stop looking to others for fulfillment. I pray that we fervently look to the Lord.
I pray that this love we have is unconditional, I pray that the Lord will forgive us when we fail time and time again.
I pray, most of all, that you find perspective. That you sort our your priorities. That you remember what's important in life. That you find passion. That you find love. That you give passion. That you give love.
That you may feel that overwhelming love without sadness.
So I'm forced to post this as 3 separate comments. Sufficed to say I'm sorry I'm wordy. And similarly apologize that even if I fouled the ball in conciseness (and perhaps content) I'm still swinging for the fences. Oh and independent of that particular sports reference both the final "version", the one I've successfully sent, and the originals had an ungodly amount of metaphors so I'm hope they mostly make sense. Yours sincerely, passionately, and always-Kique
ReplyDeleteSo...second times a charm I'm hoping let's hope I can be as articulate as the first attempt off my phone and perhaps with a few less metaphors :P After reading this post and in part a combination of previous posts it's times like this that I'm remind how envious I am of you and yet at the same time I desperately wish I could show you how I see the world. How at times I truly think you should, could, and do in fact see it. To the first part; I wish I had even half of the caring and love you have inside you. I think that love any type and truth be told to any degree has a tendency over flow within us. It's the nature of the subject it's not meant to be contained or restricted. I think that love, that passion within us that has no bounds when it overflows and reaches the uttermost we could ever contain within ourselves bursts into liquid like rainfall on our cheeks. Maybe it's a down pour, or a light mist, or maybe it's just a single drop as if the clouds haven't decided just yet where it'll all land. I think that the passion isn't naturally good or bad it's just our inability to contain it. Whether it's a passion for a particular person, or event, or cause there's that passion within each person that's moved for particular instances after having stirred some recollection of our past. Some association we have that leads one dot to another. Whether its a reflection on our past experiences, the urge to blend our expectations of the present with our current reality, or our various hopes for the future all of these things combine to define what moves us, what fills our souls' with love. I guess the summation of that train of thought is that ultimately we choose how we want to interpret our passions and similarly how we wish to express them. But that passion comes with a tole on our sense of self and sense of purpose if we lose perspective. There's nothing we can do to change the past, no attempt or true consideration we ought ever to linger on in regards to that "road less traveled". Because we could not have done so. Who you are in this moment, who we choose to be every day and continue to embrace as we grow in life would not have existed if not for those choices. For the life you've already lived.That doesn't that there won't be times when that passion that moves you, that fills you up won't contain sadness. That same caring affection, to improve the lives and well being of those around you whether it be a total stranger, a friend, a family member anyone and everyone who's life you touch is one of your most admirable traits. It's what will move you to always continue being a better human being. I don't say this to float your boat or to give you any sense of an inflated ego (even if I may want, even when it's warranted) it's simply to remind you that there will be moment of sadness when you cannot blend the way you want the world to be and the way it is. Maybe at times that's disheartening because it will never be perfect. But why in the hell should that ever stop us from trying. To think how quickly, how easily a life can be touched and made better if only from the briefest of kindness shown.
#2...I guess this train sorta ties in to my other main intrigue, slightly tied in to a previous posting. To give a reference it sorta tied into memories and folks that for whatever reason no longer share in our lives. I've always thought of myself as a glass half full (as opposed to a glass half empty) kind of guy. To the point where I sometimes feel like I'm shoving my optimism down people's throats. I guess the next point I'd like to make (if this rambling train of thought HAS any justified or discernible points) is that it's not just about a certain perspective of the glass's contents. The reality is that whatever may be left in the glass was affected and remains a reflection of whatever else may have been and remains in the other half. Utterly convoluted statement but bare with me. <--- not sure if I used the right bear/bare but f*** English majors. Ok aggressive aside passed. I think in the same regards that it's easy to let our focus drift (and remain) on the disparages of our passions (the things we can't but wish to change, the less than pleasant experiences, difficulties we may face in the future, etc.) often memories and experiences associated with loved ones that are no longer in our lives (whether it be those family and friends who have died, lovers who are no longer in our lives, or even friends who've drifted apart over the years) are crippling painful. Instances like that i think often encompass the majority of those sad tears. But when I really contemplate those moments, when I let myself forget because at times it's easier in my day to day life only to have those emotions jettisoned to the forefront of my consciousness the moment it springs back to my memory. Those times where we let the wall slowly down to experience little bits of the flood behind the damn. All of those instances are ways in which we help to deal with the pain, to grieve yet function. Call me crazy Di but even in those instances when sadness moves me to tears I can't help but smiling. I can't help but remember the silver lining of it all. ---(And I’m sorry but $&#*(&@*^% it fricken happened again. Except this time I saved part of it in a word document and am subsequently finishing it in said word document. Maybe I should have done this from the get go but idc #0FUCKSGIVEN# it’s my own hashtag. Anywhoo gunna try getting this last part reiterated for the umpteenth time)--- Back on point, silver lining. All of those moments, good and bad including moments I wish I could have done differently; helped define who I am today and more importantly helped me shape who and how I’d like to be one day. So yes there may be a number of painful memories and experiences and I’ve no qualms with admitting on a number of instances contemplation of those things (some of which I’ve lost) have brought tears to my eyes. But those same instances are shared with the laughs I’ve shared with those folks. The joys, tears, and countless experiences I shared with the people whose lives I’ve been intimately intertwined with and similarly whose lives I’ve affected. I think that’s the heart of love (no pun intended in this instance) When we recognize and are drawn towards personality traits, habits, particular causes any number of various passions we recognize in others and are invariably drawn towards because of something it stirs in us. So of course I can do nothing but smile even if there is sad twinge to it. Cause how arrogant, how selfish would it be for me to regret or do anything but cherish the connection that drew them to me. To have influenced their lives and for one reason or another for however long it may have been to have them drawn towards me because of some passion recognized in our respective souls. I guess part of me can’t help but think an appreciation even if it is a somber reverence for those memories is a beautiful thing.
ReplyDelete#3... Perhaps you do lose them over and over again every time you recall a particular memory in the past but in that same sense don’t we live with them as part of who we are every day in every action and every detail we chose to take with us from that intertwining however brief or sporadic it may have been?
ReplyDeleteI guess to sum it all up I will always remain impressed with the vast amount of love and passion you feel towards your fellow man. It’s an inspiring level of care. I only hope (and maybe pray if I had a hair more faith in that whole concept) that you don’t let the worries, fears, and troubles of your life consume that beauty of the love you have Diana. I hope you remember that those moments of sadness need only be brief, passing instances of reflection and pondering in an otherwise ocean of possibility. Of the possibility of a future joy. Of the reality of the world you’ve already created. And of hope to continue you being drawn to those fiery, depthless passions that you inspire in others. I hope for you to realize the joy you already have laid before your feet if only you should choose to embrace it. And maybe hold a few of our hands along the way both for our comfort and yours knowing that we’re only ever alone if we forget the path we’ve already walked and stop pressing forward on the one we’ve lain before ourselves.
Kiqs-
ReplyDeleteI can't compete with the length of that response, so I'm a bit overwhelmed but I'll do my best ;)
First of all, thank you so much for your insight, I always love hearing your responses and thoughts, and I really do think you should start blogging, regardless of how random or sporadic it is.
I guess I've always known that our past has defined us as who we are today, but I can't help but wonder if we would be better people, kinder, more loving, more accepting, if our past were different. Would we be a better person? Did we respond and choose in ways that we are proud to call ourselves today? I know one can forever wonder, and waste their lives away with these questions, questions I don't think are really important in the past but are crucial in future decisions, if for no other reason than to make more conscious and deliberate decisions. They may not always be good decisions, but at least we become more conscious of the decisions we can be positively influential in.
I appreciate your optimism, something I've always enjoyed about you. You have a way to get past so many of the difficult relationships you've been in, far more complicated than many have endured, and yet you're willing to continue to seek love with a passion and hope that it is waiting for you somewhere. I love that about you, and I wonder why I am always so guarded when it comes to that topic. I think I look upon those past moments with such great sadness because I know they can never happen again, whether it's due to a breakup, death, or distance. I tend to block those memories out so I don't have to feel them. Which of course, I could quote my favorite author when she says, "Numbing the pain for awhile will only make it worse when you finally feel it." (bonus points if you know who wrote that). I honestly love your appreciation of those memories, if for no other reason than to acknowledge how you've affected them and how they've changed your life.
I'm pretty sure my favorite part of your writing is when you said how we live with them as part of who we are (and in that sense, vise versa could be applicable)....that truly is the voice of a person who has a rare optimism that so many only dream of having.