The Arteries of Our Thoughts

I realized today that over my life I've believed that everything good or bad I've done has been credited to others.  I am a good reader because my grandma used to read to me when I was little.  I excel in school because my mom taught me the proper way to study.  My athletic ability was passed down from my dad.  My understanding of God was taught to me by a friend.  My acceptance of others was developed by J.K. Rowling.  

In all these things, my being was formed by God.

I also though, accredited the bad things to others.  My fears of pain was brought on by movies.  I gained weight because I was tired of people trying to force me to eat.  My ideal body image was shaped by the media.  My burning acknowledgement of my insufficiency grew as I learned of people like Mother Theresa, MLK, and so many heroes that were simply people striving for something better.  

What I learned was that all of these things, good or bad, positive or negative, are directly shaped by the way we want them to be.  We cannot always choose our circumstances, but we can chose our reaction.  We can change.

There is a war going on, a terrible, terrible war.  There are tears shed, there is bloodshed, but possibly the most damaging, there is soul-shed.  The piercing of the soul, the most excruciating of all.  If you've ever suffered from depression, anxiety, or some other mental disorder, you'll understand the suffocating presence of the war of the mind; the battle that drags you down, enwrapping you in darkness.  And the scariest reality of all isn't even the struggle, it's that when you're hanging on a silver thread with one finger, you realize your biggest fear is that you won't want to hang on any more.  You'll give up hope because you don't have the desire to hang on any longer.  

The biggest reality is that no one around you can help.  I don't think that friends and family necessarily understand this, that no matter what they say or do, they ultimately cannot reach you.  Sure, they can speak kind words, offer support, give LOVE, and all these things are incredibly important, like a bridge built for you to escape the black tar you are encased in.  But they cannot pull you out; you have to do it yourself.  

What a terrible, beautiful thing.

This supermassive black hole can only keep you as long as you remain complacent, as long as you remain subjected, as long as you let it.  As Muse so artistically put it,

You're the queen of the superficial,

but how long before you tell the truth?

So although others around us have contributed to the person we are today, we must take ownership of who we are and what we've done.  We are responsible, we are who we are because that's who we choose to be.