Reflections of Surrender to Living Authentically
With New Years around the corner, the thought of renewal, restarting, and reflecting is in the air. This past year, I had a different type of resolution. I chose a word to overview my year: Surrender. Each month I would surrender something different, thinking by the end of the year I would have accomplished 12 different things.
I thought it'd be insightful to sit down and write out what I had planned, and what has happened since I began this journey 12 months ago. This blog is more for my own self reflection, so no pressure to continue reading....it's more just for me to organize the thoughts in my head so I can process it all. You've been dually warned. Now I'll begin.
January
Surrendering the need to ask for advice. With UMD finished, and no more direction as to what I'm supposed to do with my life, I chose to stop asking everyone else what they think I should do. This month I made all decisions by myself. For a girl who RELIES on advice and HATES making decisions, this was especially challenging. What I found though, was the freedom to trust myself. In the chaos of unanswered questions, I began to trust the inner voice that was waiting to be heard.
February
I surrendered to my obsession with throwing things away. I LOVE to clean, and with that comes a lot of trash. Maybe it's because I always feel my life is a disarray of self destruction and as a sinner, I feel the need to clean house a lot. So symbolically, I clean around me. This month I reused containers, didn't purchase any foods with extra packaging, and ate a lot of fruits and vegetables, composting the peelings. At the end of the month I still ended up with some trash (and a whole lot of compost I didn't know what to do with) but I learned progress is a step in the right direction.
March
I started with a different plan, but ended up surrendering my need to "have it all figured out". I was really, really stressing about not finding my "place", and with that came many sleepless nights and stress related ailments. This month I let it go, trusting that stepping forward would lead me somewhere, and eventually God would show me what to do. I began running daily, volunteering at the BRICK, elementary school, and began my job shadowing for physical therapy, something I had looked into previously but never seriously. I shadowed at two nursing homes, the school, a private clinic, and the hospital....AND ABSOLUTELY LOVED IT. I found that who you work with is HUGE in making a job wonderful. I saw beauty in genuine love for people.
Funny how once I let go of trying to force everything to happen, things started falling into place.
April
I surrendered my need to consume sugar free products. Sounds SO STUPID, but I ate a LOT of sugar free products. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks. EVERY MEAL I had something, whether it was in my yogurt, creamer, latte, juice, water, gum...it overtook the majority of my food. And I wasn't losing weight, I was gaining and sick a lot. Once I surrendered my obsession with this addiction, my cravings vanished, my stomach aches were gone, and I began to feel awake for the first time in years. Opened my eyes to the necessity of everything in moderation, and putting only real foods in my body.
May/June/July/August
These months I had things planned, but alas, my human nature began to show. I ended up throwing away the list of written resolutions because I was frustrated I had failed. I planned on things like doing one kind thing per day, working out more, being patient. During this time I threw myself into working two jobs, studying for the GRE (yay it's done!), and attempting to read the bible more. These months flew by, and before I knew it, September had come and I was no closer to feeling like a more "complete" person than when I had started my acts of surrender.
My grandma had passed away at the end of August, and with that came a whole new set of fears. Wondering if I had lived my life in a way that showed her the Lord. Wondering if I should have talked with her MORE about God. Wondering if it was all my fault if she wasn't saved. With a death that close came a lot of guilt, a lot of self reflection, and a lot of questions.
September
Refocusing. I had forgotten about my surrendering, and knew I needed to start again. So I surrendered my need to please people. Something incredibly hard for me, but I knew it was a weakness I didn't want to have anymore. Once I let go of my desire to please, I began to feel like I could do no wrong. I answered to no one, the pressure to respond solely to appease was let go. I'll admit, the guilt still remained, but I was moving forward, right?
October
By now I didn't have any more acts of surrender (remember, I threw them away back in the summer? Yeah, not my best move). So from here on out, with no real plans of surrendering anything else, I ended up surrendering bigger battles than I even knew I was fighting. This month, I surrendered my past. I let go of feeling like I had to "live up to" what people expected of me many years ago. I stopped focusing on how others perceived me, and started focusing on what I saw. Granted, a lot of it wasn't pretty, but I took ownership, and realized there was a lot more beauty that I had ever seen before. And it was okay to admit that.
November
For the first time, I surrendered my desire to conform into a box I had imagined would fit best for whomever I would spend my life with. I had this idea that I had to weight a certain amount, act a certain way, like certain things, do certain things, want certain things, be a certain way in order for a certain someone to want me. This month was particularly difficult. I had realized what I had done in the past wasn't working, and as they say, old habits die hard. I had made a friend only to have them disappear from my life without reason, and that was really hard for me to accept. Unanswered questions suck, but sometimes that's life, and sometimes learning to accept the uncertainty is the reason. So I stopped trying to fit into the box that no one but myself had configured, for the person that didn't exist.
December
With the passing of my grandma came a mess of unsettled dreams. It's been four months and I still haven't gone to the graveyard. I'm afraid of what I might feel, what emotions it might evoke. In the past I haven't let myself get too close, I won't let myself love someone because I'm afraid of feeling that much. I've played the game of being one step ahead, just incase people decide they don't want to be in my life. I love people, don't get me wrong, but I've realized I won't admit being in love because that requires a whole realm of emotion I don't know how to handle.
Try as I might to build my walls, I know I'm fragile. If only the outer fence breaks, it hurts but it can't get through to me. I've drilled the verse "guard your heart" into a whole different meaning, one not intended, one that has been in need of surrender for far too long.
Now it's December, and it's probably the most difficult act of surrender thus far. All of the previous acts have been leading me to this moment, the surrendering to freedom. Finding freedom in discovering Christ, not avoiding him because I know I am nowhere near worthy. Surrendering my self-built, constraining walls. Surrendering the gun-to-my-head, the death sentence I've placed upon myself with my actions. On my stomach, breathing out surrender.
I learned to surrender my ideal design. My frustration for being left out of others lives that I wanted to be a part of. My anger at being left out of those plans. My resistance to move on. My self-destruction that I thought I deserved because I believed it was my fault. I surrendered the key to the room I had locked myself in.
This new year, I've decided not to make any resolutions...for the first time ever. Instead, I simply want to live authentically. Authentic living is simply being who you are, and knowing that is exactly how it's supposed to be. Our spiritual amnesia flares and we forget who made us. We forget the love letter we've been given. We forget that the creator of the universe made us to be just as we are. You are beautifully and wonderfully made. What a better way to worship Him than to live a life of authenticity. So to the new year, I hope you live authentically every day.
I hope you work hard to live the life you desire.
I hope you love people with the eyes of Jesus.
I hope you stand up for your beliefs, respect others, and stay true to you.
I hope you don't let yourself stand in your own way.
I hope you live each day with eucharisteo.
I hope you realize your worth.
I thought it'd be insightful to sit down and write out what I had planned, and what has happened since I began this journey 12 months ago. This blog is more for my own self reflection, so no pressure to continue reading....it's more just for me to organize the thoughts in my head so I can process it all. You've been dually warned. Now I'll begin.
January
Surrendering the need to ask for advice. With UMD finished, and no more direction as to what I'm supposed to do with my life, I chose to stop asking everyone else what they think I should do. This month I made all decisions by myself. For a girl who RELIES on advice and HATES making decisions, this was especially challenging. What I found though, was the freedom to trust myself. In the chaos of unanswered questions, I began to trust the inner voice that was waiting to be heard.
February
I surrendered to my obsession with throwing things away. I LOVE to clean, and with that comes a lot of trash. Maybe it's because I always feel my life is a disarray of self destruction and as a sinner, I feel the need to clean house a lot. So symbolically, I clean around me. This month I reused containers, didn't purchase any foods with extra packaging, and ate a lot of fruits and vegetables, composting the peelings. At the end of the month I still ended up with some trash (and a whole lot of compost I didn't know what to do with) but I learned progress is a step in the right direction.
March
I started with a different plan, but ended up surrendering my need to "have it all figured out". I was really, really stressing about not finding my "place", and with that came many sleepless nights and stress related ailments. This month I let it go, trusting that stepping forward would lead me somewhere, and eventually God would show me what to do. I began running daily, volunteering at the BRICK, elementary school, and began my job shadowing for physical therapy, something I had looked into previously but never seriously. I shadowed at two nursing homes, the school, a private clinic, and the hospital....AND ABSOLUTELY LOVED IT. I found that who you work with is HUGE in making a job wonderful. I saw beauty in genuine love for people.
Funny how once I let go of trying to force everything to happen, things started falling into place.
April
I surrendered my need to consume sugar free products. Sounds SO STUPID, but I ate a LOT of sugar free products. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks. EVERY MEAL I had something, whether it was in my yogurt, creamer, latte, juice, water, gum...it overtook the majority of my food. And I wasn't losing weight, I was gaining and sick a lot. Once I surrendered my obsession with this addiction, my cravings vanished, my stomach aches were gone, and I began to feel awake for the first time in years. Opened my eyes to the necessity of everything in moderation, and putting only real foods in my body.
May/June/July/August
These months I had things planned, but alas, my human nature began to show. I ended up throwing away the list of written resolutions because I was frustrated I had failed. I planned on things like doing one kind thing per day, working out more, being patient. During this time I threw myself into working two jobs, studying for the GRE (yay it's done!), and attempting to read the bible more. These months flew by, and before I knew it, September had come and I was no closer to feeling like a more "complete" person than when I had started my acts of surrender.
My grandma had passed away at the end of August, and with that came a whole new set of fears. Wondering if I had lived my life in a way that showed her the Lord. Wondering if I should have talked with her MORE about God. Wondering if it was all my fault if she wasn't saved. With a death that close came a lot of guilt, a lot of self reflection, and a lot of questions.
September
Refocusing. I had forgotten about my surrendering, and knew I needed to start again. So I surrendered my need to please people. Something incredibly hard for me, but I knew it was a weakness I didn't want to have anymore. Once I let go of my desire to please, I began to feel like I could do no wrong. I answered to no one, the pressure to respond solely to appease was let go. I'll admit, the guilt still remained, but I was moving forward, right?
October
By now I didn't have any more acts of surrender (remember, I threw them away back in the summer? Yeah, not my best move). So from here on out, with no real plans of surrendering anything else, I ended up surrendering bigger battles than I even knew I was fighting. This month, I surrendered my past. I let go of feeling like I had to "live up to" what people expected of me many years ago. I stopped focusing on how others perceived me, and started focusing on what I saw. Granted, a lot of it wasn't pretty, but I took ownership, and realized there was a lot more beauty that I had ever seen before. And it was okay to admit that.
November
For the first time, I surrendered my desire to conform into a box I had imagined would fit best for whomever I would spend my life with. I had this idea that I had to weight a certain amount, act a certain way, like certain things, do certain things, want certain things, be a certain way in order for a certain someone to want me. This month was particularly difficult. I had realized what I had done in the past wasn't working, and as they say, old habits die hard. I had made a friend only to have them disappear from my life without reason, and that was really hard for me to accept. Unanswered questions suck, but sometimes that's life, and sometimes learning to accept the uncertainty is the reason. So I stopped trying to fit into the box that no one but myself had configured, for the person that didn't exist.
December
With the passing of my grandma came a mess of unsettled dreams. It's been four months and I still haven't gone to the graveyard. I'm afraid of what I might feel, what emotions it might evoke. In the past I haven't let myself get too close, I won't let myself love someone because I'm afraid of feeling that much. I've played the game of being one step ahead, just incase people decide they don't want to be in my life. I love people, don't get me wrong, but I've realized I won't admit being in love because that requires a whole realm of emotion I don't know how to handle.
Try as I might to build my walls, I know I'm fragile. If only the outer fence breaks, it hurts but it can't get through to me. I've drilled the verse "guard your heart" into a whole different meaning, one not intended, one that has been in need of surrender for far too long.
Now it's December, and it's probably the most difficult act of surrender thus far. All of the previous acts have been leading me to this moment, the surrendering to freedom. Finding freedom in discovering Christ, not avoiding him because I know I am nowhere near worthy. Surrendering my self-built, constraining walls. Surrendering the gun-to-my-head, the death sentence I've placed upon myself with my actions. On my stomach, breathing out surrender.
I learned to surrender my ideal design. My frustration for being left out of others lives that I wanted to be a part of. My anger at being left out of those plans. My resistance to move on. My self-destruction that I thought I deserved because I believed it was my fault. I surrendered the key to the room I had locked myself in.
This new year, I've decided not to make any resolutions...for the first time ever. Instead, I simply want to live authentically. Authentic living is simply being who you are, and knowing that is exactly how it's supposed to be. Our spiritual amnesia flares and we forget who made us. We forget the love letter we've been given. We forget that the creator of the universe made us to be just as we are. You are beautifully and wonderfully made. What a better way to worship Him than to live a life of authenticity. So to the new year, I hope you live authentically every day.
I hope you work hard to live the life you desire.
I hope you love people with the eyes of Jesus.
I hope you stand up for your beliefs, respect others, and stay true to you.
I hope you don't let yourself stand in your own way.
I hope you live each day with eucharisteo.
I hope you realize your worth.
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