For the Woman and Her Daughter
"Sometimes I wonder why you even love me. And why you ever chose to call me child." [Third Day, You Are Mine]
A friend told me about a woman who was worried about her daughter's weight issues. She was searching for books (listed below), advice, or something that would help her better grasp what her daughter was going through and know how to help her have a good self image. My friend directed her to my blog, so this post is dedicated to her and her daughter. I don't know your story, but I know what a difficult struggle body image can be to all genders, of all ages. Most of us have either faced these issues, or loved someone who has been through body dysmorphia.
Being addicted to alcohol, to nicotine, to pornography, to substance abuse, all of these things can be devastating. Life threatening. The hopeful part about it all though, is that by quitting you can be set free. I've known people who have stopped smoking and never picked up another cigarette. People who have put down the bottle and never picked it back up. People who's desire to overcome their addiction was greater than their desire to continue it. The thing about food, however, is that you can't just "stop eating". It's one of the only addictions that must be controlled. You can't simply "quit", rather you have to learn to balance.
For you, mom, or whomever is trying to understand the person undergoing disordered eating, I think the best way for you to help is to understand what your loved one may be feeling. "Success through dieting was the key to my salvation. Success meant a perfect career, perfect control over my life--all which depended on a perfect me--which depended on me living inside a perfect body. Eating is one area of my life that no one can reach, not even God." [Walsh]
Makes sense doesn't it? And yet, totally messed up, right? We put so much focus on perfection in this world: who is prettier, smarter, faster, stronger, sexier, skinnier. Everything becomes a comparison by the world's standards. Even when we think we're too smart to fall into the trap, somewhere we become absorbed into the latest fad, trend, or societal opinion. We begin to think the way the world thinks, listen to music that the world wants, eat food that the world tells us to, wear clothes that capture attention. The lifestyle we develop becomes so much of our own religion, but the thing is, God's not in it. Our desire to control our bodies through food rituals, rules, and restrictions become one of selfishness rather than one of redemption.
For the daughter, or whomever recognizes they want to be perfect in their body and is aware that the changes they've made (however good your body may feel--the feeling of thinness, the attention of 'wow she's tiny!', the power in controlling your food intake) this part is for you. "The number one reason people stay stuck in self-destructive patterns is that they don't really want to change [...] You have limits on how much you will trust God. You insist on having an out when you need it; you believe if you abandon your secret behaviors you will not have any resources to deal with life."
I want you to think of why you starve or binge. What are you thinking during that time?
"I need nothing."
"I must be in control."
"I am hurt. I want instant gratification."
"I am empty, alone. I want to feel worthy."
"If only I could disappear."
Have you noticed what all of these statements have in common? They come from a place that is very far away from God. Even writing this, my heart aches. It aches because I understand what it feels to believe you are unworthy. To feel you need to fix yourself before you can ask for help. To avoid conversations because you don't want to be perceived as weak. I even know what it's like to take the step and have that conversation with someone you trust, only to have your fears confirmed. And yet, we don't turn to God.
Sweetie, I don't know what your struggles are. I don't even know if you believe in God. What I do know is that you are not alone. You are loved. You've got a stranger right here that thinks of you often, that prays for you, that wants so badly to you not to have to go through this. You've got a God who loves you more than anyone ever could, that made you PERFECT in Him, that simply wants you to trust Him.
If you're like me, you'll want a step-by-step plan on how to make everything better. I've wanted that my whole life. I want it when I am trying to losing weight. I want it as I'm discovering what to do with my life. I want it when I go through a breakup and anxious for the hurt to disappear. I want it with everything. But honey, life doesn't work that way. The only plan I can offer is to let go of a plan and simply pray! We forget how powerful prayer is--and trust me I'm writing this as much for myself as I am for you! "Truly I tell you if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will be moved." [Matthew 17:20]
Talk to someone about what you're feeling. Don't let these chains control your life. You may feel in control with restricting foods, or binging on foods, but trust me sweetie, it will eventually control your life. It will break relationships and it will hurt. Get some counseling, talk to a pastor, talk to your parents--anyone you trust that has good judgement. But when you talk to someone, BE HONEST. There's nothing worse than losing a friend because you were fearful to be honest with them. Most of all, know that there will be ups and downs. And that's okay.
"Don't forget: You are no longer isolated and on your own. You have the power of God by his Spirit, and the Spirit assures you that he will keep working in you until King Jesus returns. [Philippians 1:6]
You know that trust means giving up your own religion where food is at the center, and you are not likely to give that up easily. The only way you could trust God is to be absolutely certain that he is trustworthy. And he is."
Book References
Eating Disorders: The Quest for Thinness by Edward T. Welch
Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With The Heart of a Buddha by Tara Brach
Captivating by John & Stasi Eldredge *Written for young women about the importance of her heart*
Embracing Grace by Liz Higgs *Written about love*
A friend told me about a woman who was worried about her daughter's weight issues. She was searching for books (listed below), advice, or something that would help her better grasp what her daughter was going through and know how to help her have a good self image. My friend directed her to my blog, so this post is dedicated to her and her daughter. I don't know your story, but I know what a difficult struggle body image can be to all genders, of all ages. Most of us have either faced these issues, or loved someone who has been through body dysmorphia.
Being addicted to alcohol, to nicotine, to pornography, to substance abuse, all of these things can be devastating. Life threatening. The hopeful part about it all though, is that by quitting you can be set free. I've known people who have stopped smoking and never picked up another cigarette. People who have put down the bottle and never picked it back up. People who's desire to overcome their addiction was greater than their desire to continue it. The thing about food, however, is that you can't just "stop eating". It's one of the only addictions that must be controlled. You can't simply "quit", rather you have to learn to balance.
For you, mom, or whomever is trying to understand the person undergoing disordered eating, I think the best way for you to help is to understand what your loved one may be feeling. "Success through dieting was the key to my salvation. Success meant a perfect career, perfect control over my life--all which depended on a perfect me--which depended on me living inside a perfect body. Eating is one area of my life that no one can reach, not even God." [Walsh]
Makes sense doesn't it? And yet, totally messed up, right? We put so much focus on perfection in this world: who is prettier, smarter, faster, stronger, sexier, skinnier. Everything becomes a comparison by the world's standards. Even when we think we're too smart to fall into the trap, somewhere we become absorbed into the latest fad, trend, or societal opinion. We begin to think the way the world thinks, listen to music that the world wants, eat food that the world tells us to, wear clothes that capture attention. The lifestyle we develop becomes so much of our own religion, but the thing is, God's not in it. Our desire to control our bodies through food rituals, rules, and restrictions become one of selfishness rather than one of redemption.
For the daughter, or whomever recognizes they want to be perfect in their body and is aware that the changes they've made (however good your body may feel--the feeling of thinness, the attention of 'wow she's tiny!', the power in controlling your food intake) this part is for you. "The number one reason people stay stuck in self-destructive patterns is that they don't really want to change [...] You have limits on how much you will trust God. You insist on having an out when you need it; you believe if you abandon your secret behaviors you will not have any resources to deal with life."
I want you to think of why you starve or binge. What are you thinking during that time?
"I need nothing."
"I must be in control."
"I am hurt. I want instant gratification."
"I am empty, alone. I want to feel worthy."
"If only I could disappear."
Have you noticed what all of these statements have in common? They come from a place that is very far away from God. Even writing this, my heart aches. It aches because I understand what it feels to believe you are unworthy. To feel you need to fix yourself before you can ask for help. To avoid conversations because you don't want to be perceived as weak. I even know what it's like to take the step and have that conversation with someone you trust, only to have your fears confirmed. And yet, we don't turn to God.
Sweetie, I don't know what your struggles are. I don't even know if you believe in God. What I do know is that you are not alone. You are loved. You've got a stranger right here that thinks of you often, that prays for you, that wants so badly to you not to have to go through this. You've got a God who loves you more than anyone ever could, that made you PERFECT in Him, that simply wants you to trust Him.
If you're like me, you'll want a step-by-step plan on how to make everything better. I've wanted that my whole life. I want it when I am trying to losing weight. I want it as I'm discovering what to do with my life. I want it when I go through a breakup and anxious for the hurt to disappear. I want it with everything. But honey, life doesn't work that way. The only plan I can offer is to let go of a plan and simply pray! We forget how powerful prayer is--and trust me I'm writing this as much for myself as I am for you! "Truly I tell you if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will be moved." [Matthew 17:20]
Talk to someone about what you're feeling. Don't let these chains control your life. You may feel in control with restricting foods, or binging on foods, but trust me sweetie, it will eventually control your life. It will break relationships and it will hurt. Get some counseling, talk to a pastor, talk to your parents--anyone you trust that has good judgement. But when you talk to someone, BE HONEST. There's nothing worse than losing a friend because you were fearful to be honest with them. Most of all, know that there will be ups and downs. And that's okay.
"Don't forget: You are no longer isolated and on your own. You have the power of God by his Spirit, and the Spirit assures you that he will keep working in you until King Jesus returns. [Philippians 1:6]
You know that trust means giving up your own religion where food is at the center, and you are not likely to give that up easily. The only way you could trust God is to be absolutely certain that he is trustworthy. And he is."
Book References
Eating Disorders: The Quest for Thinness by Edward T. Welch
Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With The Heart of a Buddha by Tara Brach
Captivating by John & Stasi Eldredge *Written for young women about the importance of her heart*
Embracing Grace by Liz Higgs *Written about love*
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