Some Doors Close, Some Doors Open, Some Doors Change
This will be my last blog. At least in the style I am writing. One year ago, in the silent hours of early morning, I wrote my first blog. Not knowing where I was going with it, or what I wanted to get out of it, I simply decided it was time to explore what was on my mind..sometimes surprising even myself with my honesty and learning things I never realized I had buried so deep within. I've spent mornings in coffee shops writing in the serenity of the atmosphere, pulled all nighters writing in the darkness and hoping my words weren't too honest to be considered unacceptable, written after filling myself without really filling my hunger, written when I was confused and excited and unsure and hopeful.
Today though, I decided it was time to let go of this experience and move on. I've loved being able to express myself through writing, but the more I have written, the more I have discovered the girl who once was vibrant is still within me, trying to come back. The girl who writes these blogs, is keeping her at bay. The tell old saying really is insightful: you are your own worst enemy.
Fear is one of those crazy things that controls so much of what we do. If you're anything like me, you spend a lot of your time analyzing situations, people, words, decisions, options, basically everything, trying to figure out what would be the best way to approach it. Fearful of making a mistake--and in constant need to appeal to others. I have spent most of my life in comparison, thinking I needed to do certain things, look certain ways, all in the hopes of pleasing other people. That's the problem with being a people pleaser, you fight daily with who you are and what you want, versus who you could be and how that could make someone else happy. So if you're like me, you take the words people say to you to heart. Sometimes you're able to brush it off, sometimes it rings in your head, begging you to change. For me, I've struggled a lot with not telling people my plans. It sounds silly, but I've most definitely felt the pressure of questions and disappointment I've seen in my friends and family when I say my plans are "in process". The funny thing is, I'm really telling the truth. It's just not the specifics that people want to hear. I've had both friends and strangers look upon me with confusion and disappointment when I've mention living at home, all the while not elaborating on the "man behind the curtain" or whatever the phrase is. It's humbling, but at the same time, I've finally felt like my decisions have become my own.
So when you feel like you need to act a certain way or be a certain figure for someone else, just know this is your life. Not theirs. People will come in and out of your life, but few of those people treat you with unfailing love throughout. Sometimes discovering who those people are in your is a surprise.
I've grown up with a friend, lost contact for a couple years, and ended up living with her for a short time. I never would have guessed how incredibly insightful, unfailingly encouraging, and effortlessly nonjudgemental this girl was. A friend through and through.
I was surprised that the guy living in a different building than me would become the one I could heavily rely on. Someone who would share in my struggles, have my same fears and insecurities, make me laugh when we binged on granola, listen to Maroon 5 with me while we talked about our heartaches, and all the while stay in contact after miles upon miles separate us.
The girl who sat with me on the Northland mall under the tree before classes started, with our guitars out ready to be practiced, instead talked with me about favorite bands...who would have known that day was the beginning of a great friendship.
I could go on and on with surprises, as I'm sure you could as well. What I have learned from this is that sometimes doors close. Sometimes others open. And sometimes the doors you thought were locked forever suddenly unlock and simply wait for you to open them again. So will this be my last blog? I suppose so, but maybe not. The Lord will let me know. What I do know, is that things can only change if you are willing to move forward and take that chance. We have to learn to give ourselves more credit: we do have a larger say in our lives than what we think. We may not be able to control the weather, but we can steer the ship in the way we react. Confidence and willpower are HUGE in our life. Our mind is an amazing thing: it can convince us to pursue jobs we don't fully love, convince us to unreasonably punish ourselves because we "deserve it", and yet it can also give us the courage to realize that we don't have to settle for less. We don't have to make ourselves less to make others feel better, but instead we can make ourselves better to empower others.
Once again, as I have stated before from a wonderful woman: Whatever your desires, God is the love of your heart.
This is the year of surrender for me, and tonight, I choose to surrender what I've held so closely to me for so long. Something I haven't been willing to give away, not to anyone, not even to the Lord. We tend to do that, don't we? Think that sometimes our control is better. Reminds me of something I read in a friends blog, "...we are like stubborn little kids first learning to tie our shoes. And if anyone tries to help we say, 'No! I got this,' when all we can do is tie a bunch of knots that we can't even un-knot by ourselves and we end up creating an even bigger mess. The truth is we NEED God." This doesn't mean we are helpless in our actions, we must take accountability for our actions. We are responsible for our actions, but we have been given a God that lets us know He is with us every step of the way. Promising to love us. Promising to keep us strong. Promising a new life.
It's time to look upon the one I love and trust that He will love and carry me through. Fearless surrender.
To end, I'll leave you with Colossians 3:23. A verse I literally picked at random, but fits so beautifully:
Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men.
Some worship music came on as my mom and I talked tonight, and she commented that she hadn't heard it in a long time. She looked at me and asked if I had turned off that part of my life. I said I didn't know. Somewhere along the way I've slipped, and she noticed too. God has been there all along, but sometimes our self consumption can overshadow our one true love. That really scared me. It's time to focus on others again, selflessly devote our lives to Christ. Working for the Lord, discovering the Lord, living passionately for the Lord. Surrender to the Lord.
Today though, I decided it was time to let go of this experience and move on. I've loved being able to express myself through writing, but the more I have written, the more I have discovered the girl who once was vibrant is still within me, trying to come back. The girl who writes these blogs, is keeping her at bay. The tell old saying really is insightful: you are your own worst enemy.
Fear is one of those crazy things that controls so much of what we do. If you're anything like me, you spend a lot of your time analyzing situations, people, words, decisions, options, basically everything, trying to figure out what would be the best way to approach it. Fearful of making a mistake--and in constant need to appeal to others. I have spent most of my life in comparison, thinking I needed to do certain things, look certain ways, all in the hopes of pleasing other people. That's the problem with being a people pleaser, you fight daily with who you are and what you want, versus who you could be and how that could make someone else happy. So if you're like me, you take the words people say to you to heart. Sometimes you're able to brush it off, sometimes it rings in your head, begging you to change. For me, I've struggled a lot with not telling people my plans. It sounds silly, but I've most definitely felt the pressure of questions and disappointment I've seen in my friends and family when I say my plans are "in process". The funny thing is, I'm really telling the truth. It's just not the specifics that people want to hear. I've had both friends and strangers look upon me with confusion and disappointment when I've mention living at home, all the while not elaborating on the "man behind the curtain" or whatever the phrase is. It's humbling, but at the same time, I've finally felt like my decisions have become my own.
So when you feel like you need to act a certain way or be a certain figure for someone else, just know this is your life. Not theirs. People will come in and out of your life, but few of those people treat you with unfailing love throughout. Sometimes discovering who those people are in your is a surprise.
I've grown up with a friend, lost contact for a couple years, and ended up living with her for a short time. I never would have guessed how incredibly insightful, unfailingly encouraging, and effortlessly nonjudgemental this girl was. A friend through and through.
I was surprised that the guy living in a different building than me would become the one I could heavily rely on. Someone who would share in my struggles, have my same fears and insecurities, make me laugh when we binged on granola, listen to Maroon 5 with me while we talked about our heartaches, and all the while stay in contact after miles upon miles separate us.
The girl who sat with me on the Northland mall under the tree before classes started, with our guitars out ready to be practiced, instead talked with me about favorite bands...who would have known that day was the beginning of a great friendship.
I could go on and on with surprises, as I'm sure you could as well. What I have learned from this is that sometimes doors close. Sometimes others open. And sometimes the doors you thought were locked forever suddenly unlock and simply wait for you to open them again. So will this be my last blog? I suppose so, but maybe not. The Lord will let me know. What I do know, is that things can only change if you are willing to move forward and take that chance. We have to learn to give ourselves more credit: we do have a larger say in our lives than what we think. We may not be able to control the weather, but we can steer the ship in the way we react. Confidence and willpower are HUGE in our life. Our mind is an amazing thing: it can convince us to pursue jobs we don't fully love, convince us to unreasonably punish ourselves because we "deserve it", and yet it can also give us the courage to realize that we don't have to settle for less. We don't have to make ourselves less to make others feel better, but instead we can make ourselves better to empower others.
Once again, as I have stated before from a wonderful woman: Whatever your desires, God is the love of your heart.
This is the year of surrender for me, and tonight, I choose to surrender what I've held so closely to me for so long. Something I haven't been willing to give away, not to anyone, not even to the Lord. We tend to do that, don't we? Think that sometimes our control is better. Reminds me of something I read in a friends blog, "...we are like stubborn little kids first learning to tie our shoes. And if anyone tries to help we say, 'No! I got this,' when all we can do is tie a bunch of knots that we can't even un-knot by ourselves and we end up creating an even bigger mess. The truth is we NEED God." This doesn't mean we are helpless in our actions, we must take accountability for our actions. We are responsible for our actions, but we have been given a God that lets us know He is with us every step of the way. Promising to love us. Promising to keep us strong. Promising a new life.
It's time to look upon the one I love and trust that He will love and carry me through. Fearless surrender.
To end, I'll leave you with Colossians 3:23. A verse I literally picked at random, but fits so beautifully:
Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men.
Some worship music came on as my mom and I talked tonight, and she commented that she hadn't heard it in a long time. She looked at me and asked if I had turned off that part of my life. I said I didn't know. Somewhere along the way I've slipped, and she noticed too. God has been there all along, but sometimes our self consumption can overshadow our one true love. That really scared me. It's time to focus on others again, selflessly devote our lives to Christ. Working for the Lord, discovering the Lord, living passionately for the Lord. Surrender to the Lord.
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