Left Unsaid

This summer has been quite the summer.  I've driven here and there, spending most time on the road. Interviews, shadowing, volunteering, hospitals visits--a summer on the road.  My life I've always wanted to be a plan to get from point A to point B.  God's teaching me that life wouldn't require faith if it was all planned out simply...and thus, it's been a summer of surrendering my plan and growing in faith.

My grandma isn't doing the greatest.  I could go into detail or give a fast description of what's going on, but no words really can describe the daily emotions behind it all.  In essence, we're not sure whether she'll ever be the same.  I was taking it really well, knowing that it was my job to be the solid foundation for my mom, as she is having a hard time watching her mom go through this.  I've always been the one to keep a clear head during times of difficulty, mostly because I've been able to separate myself from the situation because it didn't hit me as hard as those around me.  It's more a matter of knowing that they were suffering and therefore needed more support than I did.  At least, until a couple nights ago.

You see, these last two weeks, things have spiraled down quickly.  If you've ever watched someone you love go from full conversations to complete oblivion, you'll understand.  It's scary.  It's like watching life in fast forward, or reverse.  It got me thinking.

I've written in another blog briefly about not speaking out, not saying what's on your mind.   I spoke of a woman who I had never talked much about faith with, or Jesus, or really much of their standing on this topic.  This woman was my grandma.

A couple nights ago I started wondering if she was going to die.  Leading me to wonder why I never spoke to her about her faith.  It's been on my heart for YEARS.  I made a feeble attempt when I was beginning college to talk to her about where she stands.  She's always been a very private person, I believe very lonely, and incredibly heartbroken by things in her past.  I have been terrified at the thought of her losing out on knowing His love.  A couple nights ago it hit me all over again, really hard.

Did I lose my chance to speak with her about God?  Did I selfishly choose my own comfort of silence in exchange for her eternal life?  Will I stand before God as a disappointment to Him?

Like a whirlwind I've been strangled by these thoughts.  So I did all I could think to do, I called a friend to talk it through.  And like the rock he is, he helped put things into perspective, made me see things in a way that brought it all back to God.  Helped ease my burden.  I truly hope you all have at least one friend you can confide in that will help you see life a little clearer, help you hear God a little louder.

It made me realize I had been carrying a burden that wasn't mine to carry.  As if God needs me to save.  As if I have that power.  As if me knowing someone is saved makes a difference in His power to save.

You see, I felt responsible for not getting a verbal commitment from her about her faith.  I felt I hadn't done my voice justice in telling her just how powerful, loving, and true God is.  Understanding now though, that how we act is far louder.  Makes me realize just how important our actions are.  Also made me realize just how important it is to speak in times of doubt, even if it means risking rejection.

I still believe that we are here to talk about Jesus.  To speak of His love, to lead our lives in His image, to surrender our lives for him (still my word of the year, quite the struggle but quite essential).  But I also believe that our actions, our lives, are what will truly be reflected in the eyes of others.  I am hear to tell you it is not in your power to save anyone, but it is in your heart to speak in the name of Christ.  I spent time in my grandma's hospital room praying silently.  Because I know my voice is heard by God, and that is all I could ever ask for.

So speak up.  Whomever you have on your heart right now, whomever you've been holding back because you're afraid of their reaction, speak up.  Whether it be talking about faith, whether it be asking questions, whether it be telling someone how you're feeling.  Speak up.  Speak up.  I can't say it enough, speak up before it's too late.  Don't let something be left unsaid.  The biggest mistake I believe we make as humans is not speaking when our hearts are telling us to.  It may not make a difference, or it could make all the difference in the world.  Sometimes it really is too late for our voices to be heard.  Thank goodness we have a God that is bigger than our silence.



Thank the Lord He speaks when we have things left unsaid.