Let's Knit a Sweater...
I finished my third sweater today. I know, you're probably thinking I have the coolest hobbies (sarcasm) but honestly, there's something about keeping my hands busy and making something useful that makes me feel like I'm accomplishing something in my downtime. Ironically, I finished it at the same place I finished my first sweater two years ago. Only difference was the furniture was changed around, just like the people in my life.
Funny how much can change in such a short time.
I woke up ridiculously early a couple days ago from this dream, another sad one per usual. It was one of those dreams that shakes you up a bit, and you start to question your decisions and wonder if what you've convinced yourself to feel isn't really how you actually feel. Part of my dream I was running...running away from all of it, and for all of it. I just kept running, and running, and running. Wondering if anyone could catch up. Running away from someone, wondering if they'll have the desire to chase after. So naturally, I woke up filled with these questions. Mostly, I was just really frustrated that I have so many of these dreams, so many of these questions that I've buried while awake come alive at night. And yet, so much silence. I woke up tired from this running, struggling to make sense of it all, so what did I do? I got up and went for a run.
Do you ever have those days where you just feel incredible ... indestructible ... extraordinarily energized? Like you've been given this fire unlike any other, and you could just take on the world? I got up and ran faster and longer than I have in a long time. When that was over, I did sit-ups and sit-ups and more sit-ups. When that didn't tire me, I did pushups...which didn't last long because I hate pushups. So I started lifting weights, doing squats, basically felt like I suddenly was stronger than I had been in a long time.
By 7:30am I was showered, dressed, and on the couch exhausted. Carrying the world, I decided, is quite a heavy burden.
Easter is coming, and I've never felt more unprepared. Not in the sense of "typical" preparations: things like dying easter eggs, buying candy, or whatever typical is suppose to be. I mean in the sense of wondering, am I ready to die? And even more so, am I ready to live? Good Friday is all about death, Easter Sunday all about life. But when I actually look at my faith, I can't help but wonder where I stand. And that TERRIFIES me. I've grown up taught that nothing I do can save me, that was done through Jesus. I've also been taught that being a Christian is about living second, giving to others, having faith. I never feel like I do that enough. I never feel like I live up to those standards. Do you?
Maybe I'm the only one that thinks like this, but it's something that REALLY bothers me. Not only that, I fear the thought of not living a life pleased by God. This doesn't mean that I wouldn't be a good person if I wasn't Christian, or that some how God determines whether I'm loving or not, because it's not about my motives for others. It's about falling short of being able to be with God. Missing the mark. Being too selfish. I fear that day before the Lord, that He may say you waited too long. You didn't try. You didn't do what I asked you to. You are not welcome.
I've been searching for answers for a long, long time. Why I feel this way, does anyone else, how is it possible to be confident that the life you are living is a life that at the end of the day God will say, "Well done my good and faithful servant. Welcome home."
For those of you who don't believe in God, I want you to know that what I feel isn't the typical sermon preached, or really the message of faith at all. It's something I struggle with, but not what the Jesus I have known has preached. So please, don't base your faith off of mine, I'm just showing you how I feel to tie this all together.
So, how does this all tie in? How are our lives knitted together, into one big sweater of warmth?
I don't have the answers. I'm still trying to figure that out.
What I am learning though, is that we aren't strong enough to carry on the world. I still hurt from a lot of things in my past, things I thought I had gotten through. Things that shouldn't bother me, but do. Things that make me wonder why I stay so loyal to them, when they are long gone. Things like today, when my grandma pointed out I had been given another offer in my direction, so many others these past couple years, but with my eyes so focused on one I hadn't given myself the chance to look up. Maybe haven't wanted to. Maybe.
Then the age old voice speaks in my head, words said to me two years ago shortly after my first sweater was done: Diana, there is no need to worry. Do you not trust in God's good time? If it's meant to be, it will be. If it's not meant to be, there will be something so much better for you.
So when it's hard to look around and see how the people in our lives have shifted just like the furniture in this house, we just have to remember that we don't have to worry. We don't have to take on the world. Jesus did that. This weekend, that's what Easter is all about. He took on the world of sins we have, and carried that burden for us. So when we fear we are not good enough, he reminds us he is good enough and through that makes us good enough too.
We're all trying to figure out our place, who we will share our lives with, where we will go, what we will do, how this whole big plan God has will knit together to make a masterpiece. We don't have to worry, because He as already knows:
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mothers womb.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper and not harm you, plans to give you hope, and a future."
As a beautiful woman told me, and to this day it still brings me to tears,
Let God be your love, no pleasing others, but pleasing Him. Whatever your desires, God is the love of your heart.
We've been given this life to knit ourselves, let's knit each other's love together to make a sweater to keep us warm. That's a sweater worth wearing.
Funny how much can change in such a short time.
I woke up ridiculously early a couple days ago from this dream, another sad one per usual. It was one of those dreams that shakes you up a bit, and you start to question your decisions and wonder if what you've convinced yourself to feel isn't really how you actually feel. Part of my dream I was running...running away from all of it, and for all of it. I just kept running, and running, and running. Wondering if anyone could catch up. Running away from someone, wondering if they'll have the desire to chase after. So naturally, I woke up filled with these questions. Mostly, I was just really frustrated that I have so many of these dreams, so many of these questions that I've buried while awake come alive at night. And yet, so much silence. I woke up tired from this running, struggling to make sense of it all, so what did I do? I got up and went for a run.
Do you ever have those days where you just feel incredible ... indestructible ... extraordinarily energized? Like you've been given this fire unlike any other, and you could just take on the world? I got up and ran faster and longer than I have in a long time. When that was over, I did sit-ups and sit-ups and more sit-ups. When that didn't tire me, I did pushups...which didn't last long because I hate pushups. So I started lifting weights, doing squats, basically felt like I suddenly was stronger than I had been in a long time.
By 7:30am I was showered, dressed, and on the couch exhausted. Carrying the world, I decided, is quite a heavy burden.
Easter is coming, and I've never felt more unprepared. Not in the sense of "typical" preparations: things like dying easter eggs, buying candy, or whatever typical is suppose to be. I mean in the sense of wondering, am I ready to die? And even more so, am I ready to live? Good Friday is all about death, Easter Sunday all about life. But when I actually look at my faith, I can't help but wonder where I stand. And that TERRIFIES me. I've grown up taught that nothing I do can save me, that was done through Jesus. I've also been taught that being a Christian is about living second, giving to others, having faith. I never feel like I do that enough. I never feel like I live up to those standards. Do you?
Maybe I'm the only one that thinks like this, but it's something that REALLY bothers me. Not only that, I fear the thought of not living a life pleased by God. This doesn't mean that I wouldn't be a good person if I wasn't Christian, or that some how God determines whether I'm loving or not, because it's not about my motives for others. It's about falling short of being able to be with God. Missing the mark. Being too selfish. I fear that day before the Lord, that He may say you waited too long. You didn't try. You didn't do what I asked you to. You are not welcome.
I've been searching for answers for a long, long time. Why I feel this way, does anyone else, how is it possible to be confident that the life you are living is a life that at the end of the day God will say, "Well done my good and faithful servant. Welcome home."
For those of you who don't believe in God, I want you to know that what I feel isn't the typical sermon preached, or really the message of faith at all. It's something I struggle with, but not what the Jesus I have known has preached. So please, don't base your faith off of mine, I'm just showing you how I feel to tie this all together.
So, how does this all tie in? How are our lives knitted together, into one big sweater of warmth?
I don't have the answers. I'm still trying to figure that out.
What I am learning though, is that we aren't strong enough to carry on the world. I still hurt from a lot of things in my past, things I thought I had gotten through. Things that shouldn't bother me, but do. Things that make me wonder why I stay so loyal to them, when they are long gone. Things like today, when my grandma pointed out I had been given another offer in my direction, so many others these past couple years, but with my eyes so focused on one I hadn't given myself the chance to look up. Maybe haven't wanted to. Maybe.
Then the age old voice speaks in my head, words said to me two years ago shortly after my first sweater was done: Diana, there is no need to worry. Do you not trust in God's good time? If it's meant to be, it will be. If it's not meant to be, there will be something so much better for you.
So when it's hard to look around and see how the people in our lives have shifted just like the furniture in this house, we just have to remember that we don't have to worry. We don't have to take on the world. Jesus did that. This weekend, that's what Easter is all about. He took on the world of sins we have, and carried that burden for us. So when we fear we are not good enough, he reminds us he is good enough and through that makes us good enough too.
We're all trying to figure out our place, who we will share our lives with, where we will go, what we will do, how this whole big plan God has will knit together to make a masterpiece. We don't have to worry, because He as already knows:
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mothers womb.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper and not harm you, plans to give you hope, and a future."
As a beautiful woman told me, and to this day it still brings me to tears,
Let God be your love, no pleasing others, but pleasing Him. Whatever your desires, God is the love of your heart.
We've been given this life to knit ourselves, let's knit each other's love together to make a sweater to keep us warm. That's a sweater worth wearing.
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