What I learned through organization, strangers, and camping
I have a few reasons for writing this blog, despite the last blog's attempt to end my blogging.
1) This will be the 50th post, and really, who ends at 49?
2) I started blogging a year ago from Tuesday, so it seemed appropriate to acknowledge that
3) I have been searching and searching for someone to fully explain what I've been experiencing lately, and yet, I don't know where to turn
I think that's the thing about writing, it's easier to let down your walls. If you're anything like me, it's really difficult to open up to those around you...even those closest to you. It's frustrating really, because sometimes the one person you need to talk to, the one who can give you the insight you need, the faith in yourself to push forward, and the trust to let go, is the one who is at the root of so much of the things you go through. Funny how that works, the one that you need the most to fix everything is the one who you can't turn to. What a contradictory world we live in. Winston Churchill was truly right in his phrase "a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma."
With the amount of stuff on my mind, I'm going to organize my blog into three parts. This way, you can decide to read it all or jump to the category that might interest you. Funny how we tend to do that, we don't want to waste others time so we minimalize ourselves for the convenience of others. Alas, here they are:
1) Organization and the connection with feelings
2) Strangers, unfairness, and love
3) Camping and what it teaches
Organization
Have you ever felt like you just didn't fit? Despite how much you love those around you, the people you interact with, and the fact that you know so much about them...you're just not dancing to the same rhythm? It's such a frustrating feeling when you wish you had a place you belonged; that something from your life....the other half of the puzzle piece....is simply missing. Or maybe hiding. Or somehow disconnected from you and you are waiting for them to return. For anyone in love, you'll understand. For anyone who has ever felt that pull toward something more will understand. Maybe your other half is a passion you have, a dream you'll fulfill, a best friend, a significant other, a relative, or a pet. Whatever it is, without it life just doesn't seem as sunny. Suddenly there seems to be so much clutter and distraction in your life, and you keep thinking, "If I could just organize my belongings, give away my possessions, buy what I want, clean out my house, then maybe the inside of me would be organized and cleaned out as well. Maybe, somehow, the act of washing externally will someone make me clean internally." Have you ever felt that?
I think that's why I organize so much. I think that's why I enjoy cleaning. It gives me perspective, peace. My form of meditation. My hope and attempt that when things are in their place, suddenly life will be in its place. If the things around us fit into our categorical locations, maybe then we can too.
I'm about to put in New Moon (the movie) and before you start judging me (haha) hear me out. There's a scene in the movie where the camera circles around Bella, and you watch the months pass by. I like this movie simply for this scene. She sits there, staring and empty, just watching and waiting for time to go by. I understand this, connect with it on a deeper level. Watching and waiting for the other half of the puzzle to come, return, or whatever the case may be. There's something relieving about having another go through your situation, as if you weren't quite as alone as you feel.
Strangers
Okay, there's a lot I want to fit in here, but I don't think I can fully capture the emotion of what I felt, so my story may not have the full effect as when it happened.
While I was in Madison I was walking past the court house, fully emersed in a conversation with my dad and loving how beautiful the farmer's market was that morning. My dad stopped me mid sentence and pointed up at the court house and I naturally followed his eye to where it was looking. Along the steps were six or seven people sleeping, surrounded by their minimal belongings. I know that homelessness is inevitable and part of the imbalance of society, but every freaking time it hits me so hard. Like a punch to the stomach, I scanned over the scene, completely overcome with emotion. We kept walking (to my internal struggle) and I frantically ruminated with my dad about what we could do for them or if it was wrong to walk away. We were heading for a show we had tickets for, and I was feeling so torn at the thought of leaving these people behind. We got to the building where the show was, fortunately we were too early and were given an hour's wait. I eagerly walked back to the farmer's market with the goal of buying breakfast for everyone sleeping on the front court house steps. I didn't want to tell anyone for fear that they would talk me out of it, tell me it's a bad idea/not safe/or whatever the excuse. As I searched, I began to wonder if it was offensive for me to hand out food to them. Would they think I felt I was better than them? Would they be offended at my purchase? If I didn't do anything, was I turning my back on them? Was I ignoring the pending issue that this world needs each other to survive? Would I be leaving Jesus to starve by leaving his people? Was I overthinking it?
If you know me at all, you know I am an analyst. AND A RIDICULOUS ONE AT THAT. I analyze FREAKING EVERYTHING. This internal debate between right vs wrong, offensive vs kindness was driving me insane as the time was ticking by. Finally I went to my dad and asked his advice on the matter, dreading the fact that I assumed he would say it was unsafe and the conversation would end. But this time, he didn't. He simply stated, "Do what you feel is right. Do what you need to do." I explained to him that I didn't want to offend them, but also didn't want to turn my back, and his response was simply that if it was him, he wouldn't feel comfortable receiving food from a stranger. A simple act of kindness on my part might make me feel better for the day, but would it make them feel better? Was this act for my own benefit or theirs?
I decided against buying anything, and we rushed back to the show. I felt like I had disappointed God, or hadn't loved those people well enough, or something, and rushed straight to the bathroom of the building. It felt like one of those ridiculous scenes from a movie: girl rushing to stall and crying her eyes out, unable to keep her emotion in check. The thing was though, that it wasn't about some guy that had hurt me, or some silly fight with a friend, it was the immense reality that I didn't know how to help all of those homeless people find a better life. I felt like I had failed God, failed those wonderful people, failed at what my potential self could be.
I finally pulled myself together, wiped away the running mascara as best I could (nothing I could do about red eyes) and walked back out to the show. My dad had been waiting for me and started talking about all the things we could do large scale for those living without much. Feeding them breakfast is great, but working on preventative measures and volunteering at places like the BRICK (whose focus is to provide food, counseling, and job awareness) would make a long term difference. I couldn't believe how hard it all hit me, but putting things into perspective and being proactive rather than reactive seemed like a much better use of my time.
The other half of this section occurred today. I was driving past Northland when I saw a middle aged lady walking with her ice cream cone to one of the buildings. I just watched her, and was overcome with so much love for this woman. I can't even describe it, but I felt such compassion for this stranger, unknowing of her story, but knowing she has a story to tell. Does that ever happen to you? Where you just see someone and hope their life is filled with love and joy? Sometimes this will happen when I'm in a mall, or walking past houses on a street knowing that there's a person and a story inside those walls.
I started praying for this woman immediately, with an inexplicable amount of love fueling my prayers. It made me think, if I can react that strongly to a stranger, imagine how much more the Lord loves us?
Camping
Alright, so I don't really know what I'm going to say for this category, because so much of what I have to say about this I shouldn't in a blog. It's one of those walls I have yet to take down, and when I do, it'll be to the one who needs to hear it rather than the anonymous readers of a blog. I can, however, give you some insight into some thoughts I have.
When I go camping, I feel closer to God than usual. You don't always realize just how much you depend on God until you go camping.
Laying awake at 1am in the tent, while everyone seemed to be fast asleep, I had my time with the Lord. It was one of those moments that was incredibly painful, because you see just how fragile life is, just how fleeting, just how much ambiguity is involved in this life. Despite our desire for control and understanding, life just isn't that simple. I hadn't felt such an internal struggle tied with internal piece intertwined in my body ever before. As I lay there, cloth wrapped around my feet to keep them warm, lotion on my legs from where I not-so-brightly burned them from standing too close to the fire, I listened to the sounds of the night. I felt the presence of friends around, and the distance of these people that will inevitably come. I started to wonder if I had made the right decision in coming, not because of the elements, but because of the great difficulty in goodbyes. The uncertainty of saying goodbye and wondering if these people would leave my life forever. Wondering if they would stay in my life forever. Not knowing what the future would hold. Not wanting to believe that they all are ready, excited, and willing to move on without a second glance back.
How I wish I could be like that. Funny how loyalty is looked upon as something to be desired, when sometimes it's the very thing that those with this trait can get hurt from the most. For any of you who remain tied to things long forgotten, you'll understand the struggle of wanting to both nod your head and walk away [all the while] not wanting to give up incase there's a reason for your ties.
So in the end, I guess we all have our struggles, our ambiguous life. We all have our darker moments, the times where we hide in our closet and wonder how we can live in such a way to make a difference. Searching all the while for our missing puzzle piece.
My struggle involves learning when to speak up and when to walk away. Giving breakfast to the homeless or letting them in peace. Breaking down a wall and opening up to a person or letting them live their life without having to carry your burden as well. Taking a risk and being honest or keeping silent because the outcome could make or break a friendship; could lead to an open door or a closed heart. Any advice of yours would be greatly appreciated. For now, I'll leave you with this:
1) This will be the 50th post, and really, who ends at 49?
2) I started blogging a year ago from Tuesday, so it seemed appropriate to acknowledge that
3) I have been searching and searching for someone to fully explain what I've been experiencing lately, and yet, I don't know where to turn
I think that's the thing about writing, it's easier to let down your walls. If you're anything like me, it's really difficult to open up to those around you...even those closest to you. It's frustrating really, because sometimes the one person you need to talk to, the one who can give you the insight you need, the faith in yourself to push forward, and the trust to let go, is the one who is at the root of so much of the things you go through. Funny how that works, the one that you need the most to fix everything is the one who you can't turn to. What a contradictory world we live in. Winston Churchill was truly right in his phrase "a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma."
With the amount of stuff on my mind, I'm going to organize my blog into three parts. This way, you can decide to read it all or jump to the category that might interest you. Funny how we tend to do that, we don't want to waste others time so we minimalize ourselves for the convenience of others. Alas, here they are:
1) Organization and the connection with feelings
2) Strangers, unfairness, and love
3) Camping and what it teaches
Organization
Have you ever felt like you just didn't fit? Despite how much you love those around you, the people you interact with, and the fact that you know so much about them...you're just not dancing to the same rhythm? It's such a frustrating feeling when you wish you had a place you belonged; that something from your life....the other half of the puzzle piece....is simply missing. Or maybe hiding. Or somehow disconnected from you and you are waiting for them to return. For anyone in love, you'll understand. For anyone who has ever felt that pull toward something more will understand. Maybe your other half is a passion you have, a dream you'll fulfill, a best friend, a significant other, a relative, or a pet. Whatever it is, without it life just doesn't seem as sunny. Suddenly there seems to be so much clutter and distraction in your life, and you keep thinking, "If I could just organize my belongings, give away my possessions, buy what I want, clean out my house, then maybe the inside of me would be organized and cleaned out as well. Maybe, somehow, the act of washing externally will someone make me clean internally." Have you ever felt that?
I think that's why I organize so much. I think that's why I enjoy cleaning. It gives me perspective, peace. My form of meditation. My hope and attempt that when things are in their place, suddenly life will be in its place. If the things around us fit into our categorical locations, maybe then we can too.
I'm about to put in New Moon (the movie) and before you start judging me (haha) hear me out. There's a scene in the movie where the camera circles around Bella, and you watch the months pass by. I like this movie simply for this scene. She sits there, staring and empty, just watching and waiting for time to go by. I understand this, connect with it on a deeper level. Watching and waiting for the other half of the puzzle to come, return, or whatever the case may be. There's something relieving about having another go through your situation, as if you weren't quite as alone as you feel.
Strangers
Okay, there's a lot I want to fit in here, but I don't think I can fully capture the emotion of what I felt, so my story may not have the full effect as when it happened.
While I was in Madison I was walking past the court house, fully emersed in a conversation with my dad and loving how beautiful the farmer's market was that morning. My dad stopped me mid sentence and pointed up at the court house and I naturally followed his eye to where it was looking. Along the steps were six or seven people sleeping, surrounded by their minimal belongings. I know that homelessness is inevitable and part of the imbalance of society, but every freaking time it hits me so hard. Like a punch to the stomach, I scanned over the scene, completely overcome with emotion. We kept walking (to my internal struggle) and I frantically ruminated with my dad about what we could do for them or if it was wrong to walk away. We were heading for a show we had tickets for, and I was feeling so torn at the thought of leaving these people behind. We got to the building where the show was, fortunately we were too early and were given an hour's wait. I eagerly walked back to the farmer's market with the goal of buying breakfast for everyone sleeping on the front court house steps. I didn't want to tell anyone for fear that they would talk me out of it, tell me it's a bad idea/not safe/or whatever the excuse. As I searched, I began to wonder if it was offensive for me to hand out food to them. Would they think I felt I was better than them? Would they be offended at my purchase? If I didn't do anything, was I turning my back on them? Was I ignoring the pending issue that this world needs each other to survive? Would I be leaving Jesus to starve by leaving his people? Was I overthinking it?
If you know me at all, you know I am an analyst. AND A RIDICULOUS ONE AT THAT. I analyze FREAKING EVERYTHING. This internal debate between right vs wrong, offensive vs kindness was driving me insane as the time was ticking by. Finally I went to my dad and asked his advice on the matter, dreading the fact that I assumed he would say it was unsafe and the conversation would end. But this time, he didn't. He simply stated, "Do what you feel is right. Do what you need to do." I explained to him that I didn't want to offend them, but also didn't want to turn my back, and his response was simply that if it was him, he wouldn't feel comfortable receiving food from a stranger. A simple act of kindness on my part might make me feel better for the day, but would it make them feel better? Was this act for my own benefit or theirs?
I decided against buying anything, and we rushed back to the show. I felt like I had disappointed God, or hadn't loved those people well enough, or something, and rushed straight to the bathroom of the building. It felt like one of those ridiculous scenes from a movie: girl rushing to stall and crying her eyes out, unable to keep her emotion in check. The thing was though, that it wasn't about some guy that had hurt me, or some silly fight with a friend, it was the immense reality that I didn't know how to help all of those homeless people find a better life. I felt like I had failed God, failed those wonderful people, failed at what my potential self could be.
I finally pulled myself together, wiped away the running mascara as best I could (nothing I could do about red eyes) and walked back out to the show. My dad had been waiting for me and started talking about all the things we could do large scale for those living without much. Feeding them breakfast is great, but working on preventative measures and volunteering at places like the BRICK (whose focus is to provide food, counseling, and job awareness) would make a long term difference. I couldn't believe how hard it all hit me, but putting things into perspective and being proactive rather than reactive seemed like a much better use of my time.
The other half of this section occurred today. I was driving past Northland when I saw a middle aged lady walking with her ice cream cone to one of the buildings. I just watched her, and was overcome with so much love for this woman. I can't even describe it, but I felt such compassion for this stranger, unknowing of her story, but knowing she has a story to tell. Does that ever happen to you? Where you just see someone and hope their life is filled with love and joy? Sometimes this will happen when I'm in a mall, or walking past houses on a street knowing that there's a person and a story inside those walls.
I started praying for this woman immediately, with an inexplicable amount of love fueling my prayers. It made me think, if I can react that strongly to a stranger, imagine how much more the Lord loves us?
Camping
Alright, so I don't really know what I'm going to say for this category, because so much of what I have to say about this I shouldn't in a blog. It's one of those walls I have yet to take down, and when I do, it'll be to the one who needs to hear it rather than the anonymous readers of a blog. I can, however, give you some insight into some thoughts I have.
When I go camping, I feel closer to God than usual. You don't always realize just how much you depend on God until you go camping.
Laying awake at 1am in the tent, while everyone seemed to be fast asleep, I had my time with the Lord. It was one of those moments that was incredibly painful, because you see just how fragile life is, just how fleeting, just how much ambiguity is involved in this life. Despite our desire for control and understanding, life just isn't that simple. I hadn't felt such an internal struggle tied with internal piece intertwined in my body ever before. As I lay there, cloth wrapped around my feet to keep them warm, lotion on my legs from where I not-so-brightly burned them from standing too close to the fire, I listened to the sounds of the night. I felt the presence of friends around, and the distance of these people that will inevitably come. I started to wonder if I had made the right decision in coming, not because of the elements, but because of the great difficulty in goodbyes. The uncertainty of saying goodbye and wondering if these people would leave my life forever. Wondering if they would stay in my life forever. Not knowing what the future would hold. Not wanting to believe that they all are ready, excited, and willing to move on without a second glance back.
How I wish I could be like that. Funny how loyalty is looked upon as something to be desired, when sometimes it's the very thing that those with this trait can get hurt from the most. For any of you who remain tied to things long forgotten, you'll understand the struggle of wanting to both nod your head and walk away [all the while] not wanting to give up incase there's a reason for your ties.
So in the end, I guess we all have our struggles, our ambiguous life. We all have our darker moments, the times where we hide in our closet and wonder how we can live in such a way to make a difference. Searching all the while for our missing puzzle piece.
My struggle involves learning when to speak up and when to walk away. Giving breakfast to the homeless or letting them in peace. Breaking down a wall and opening up to a person or letting them live their life without having to carry your burden as well. Taking a risk and being honest or keeping silent because the outcome could make or break a friendship; could lead to an open door or a closed heart. Any advice of yours would be greatly appreciated. For now, I'll leave you with this:
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