Diana Reader

Oh summer.  The season of flowers, sunshine, beaches, bonfires, warm days and cold nights, loud concerts and quiet moments.  For some, having your heart broken.  For others, falling in love and of course, weddings. I was talking with a friend years ago while we were searching the jewelry counter for a gift for someone else when we got on the topic of weddings and diamond rings.  He mentioned that some day he'd have to buy a diamond, since that's what all girls want.  I remember looking at him and realizing that not actually what I wanted.  Thinking that in this world, where weddings and rings and perfect dresses and details are so stressed to be exact and hold up to some 'standard', where each person wants to outdo the last, have 'her day' be of perfection, the pressure of 'quick get married like everyone else.'  Maybe I'm different in realizing that's not what I want.  All I could do was look at him and murmur, "Not every girl wants a dia...

I have a few reasons for writing this blog, despite the last blog's attempt to end my blogging. 1) This will be the 50th post, and really, who ends at 49? 2) I started blogging a year ago from Tuesday, so it seemed appropriate to acknowledge that 3) I have been searching and searching for someone to fully explain what I've been experiencing lately, and yet, I don't know where to turn I think that's the thing about writing, it's easier to let down your walls.  If you're anything like me, it's really difficult to open up to those around you...even those closest to you.  It's frustrating really, because sometimes the one person you need to talk to, the one who can give you the insight you need, the faith in yourself to push forward, and the trust to let go, is the one who is at the root of so much of the things you go through.  Funny how that works, the one that you need the most to fix everything is the one who you can't turn to.  What a contradi...

This will be my last blog.  At least in the style I am writing.  One year ago, in the silent hours of early morning, I wrote my first blog.  Not knowing where I was going with it, or what I wanted to get out of it, I simply decided it was time to explore what was on my mind..sometimes surprising even myself with my honesty and learning things I never realized I had buried so deep within.  I've spent mornings in coffee shops writing in the serenity of the atmosphere, pulled all nighters writing in the darkness and hoping my words weren't too honest to be considered unacceptable, written after filling myself without really filling my hunger, written when I was confused and excited and unsure and hopeful. Today though, I decided it was time to let go of this experience and move on.  I've loved being able to express myself through writing, but the more I have written, the more I have discovered the girl who once was vibrant is still within me, trying to come back....

I finished my third sweater today.  I know, you're probably thinking I have the coolest hobbies (sarcasm) but honestly, there's something about keeping my hands busy and making something useful that makes me feel like I'm accomplishing something in my downtime.  Ironically, I finished it at the same place I finished my first sweater two years ago.  Only difference was the furniture was changed around, just like the people in my life. Funny how much can change in such a short time. I woke up ridiculously early a couple days ago from this dream, another sad one per usual.  It was one of those dreams that shakes you up a bit, and you start to question your decisions and wonder if what you've convinced yourself to feel isn't really how you actually feel.  Part of my dream I was running...running away from all of it, and for all of it.  I just kept running, and running, and running.   Wondering if anyone could catch up.  Running away from someone,...

I've had the jitters lately, anticipating a test I have coming up.  It's one of those times where the results of this test could play a significant role in being accepted or declined in a program I'm really excited about.  For months I've been studying, and I know if anyone asks, I'll say that I should have, could have  studied more.  I've always been the type of person to study like crazy for exams at school. It wasn't about just "doing okay" on the exam; it was about knowing all of the answer.  Being able to walk out confidently believing I got an A.  Not that I needed a 100%, because that didn't happen always, but just being able to know that I prepared myself as much as I could, and nothing more could be done about my grade.  That I earned it, I deserved it, and I worked for it.  I did my best. It's funny because for standardized tests, I've taken a very lackadaisical approach to studying.  Both the ACT and MCAT I didn't prepa...

The number one reason people stay stuck in self-destructive patterns is that they don't really want to change.  Of course, you don't like the consequences of your obsession--but there are parts of it you believe you can't live without.  You have limits on how much you will trust God. If this comes close to describing your life [know that] there is a way to break out of this cycle.  Read the words of two people who struggle with eaten problems:  "Success through [your issue] was the key to my salvation.  Success meant a perfect career, perfect control over my life--all of which depended on a perfect me--which depended on me living inside a perfect body.   Eating is one area of my life that no one can reach, not even God." Doesn't it sound as if they're describing a religion?  They have laws, rituals, sacrifice, penance, idols of comfort, idols of control, and the hope of salvation.  The difference is that God is not in it. Your problem isn'...

I've been trying so hard to put love in a box.  Confine it to the image I think it should be: neat, clear, defined.  But what if love isn't that way? What if love is messy? What if love is undefined? What if our view of "perfect love" isn't the same as "real love"? It'll be well after midnight before I post this blog, if I even finish it tonight.  There's something about writing early in the morning when everyone is asleep, after a day has gone by and the anticipation of a new one awaits.  Full stomach and full head spinning with ideas keeping me from sleep, empty answers robbing me of sleep. Is there really such thing as unreciprocated love? So many of us have grown up with Disney movies, romance movies, etc.  Girl and guy meet, there's some force keeping them apart, and in the end (a very short struggle, keeping it true movie style) happy ever after comes for the couple.  I've never bought into those movies.  I'm a huge ...