Validate yourself

"Self-sabotage is a real problem. It's not a lack of desire or motivation.  Something holds us back. We have to learn to validate ourselves because we'll never get everything we need from other people."

We have to learn to validate ourselves.

I've been meeting with a career counselor this entire semester, usually about twice a month.  She's been having me take tests and reviewing the information from them to help me better figure out my strengths and interests and then applying them to a career choice.  It was a bit frustrating because I got all my test scores back, thinking that would help me be more confident in choosing a career, but they just confirmed what I already knew.  I know my strengths.  I know what adjectives to use to describe myself.  I know I am a perfectionist, I like organizing, I want peace and don't like angry confrontations.  I thought there would be more to these tests, but they told me what I already knew.

This counselor has gotten to know me throughout the semester.  In our last meeting I came in with a full plan of what I was going to do and how I was going to get there.  She got really quiet after I gave a speech about my "plan" and then said, "But is it what you really want to do?"  Course I had no idea, but it was a plan right?  And that's what I needed, a plan.  She started giving me some alternate career choices, and none of them seemed to fit right.  There was always something about each idea that wasn't me.  Wasn't right.  Finally, she asks me what it would take for me to know I was on the right path.  To be confident in a career decision.  She asked me if I was waiting for some divine intervention, because that was highly unlikely.  I told her I knew that, but I felt that if I was confident in a career choice, THAT would be my revelation that it was right.  I confessed I was so afraid of choosing the wrong thing, letting God down by not choosing what He wanted, and that's why I placed so much emphasis on trying to understand what exactly it was that He wanted.  I got to the point that I just broke.  I don't know why, or how, but I had been fighting it the entire conversation and just couldn't fight it anymore. 

I really hate crying in front of people.

To my surprise, all this woman said was, "Finally.  I've been waiting for you to do that.  Now we can get to what's holding you back."

Unfortunately I had class in five minutes and our conversation was abruptly ended, but this woman emphasized that I needed to dig deeper and find out what it was that was holding me back from making a choice.  Why did I fear making a commitment?

"We hold our sadness in our throat and fear in our belly."

If you've read my other blogs, you'll know I have pretty awful stomach aches pretty frequently.  I tend to back out of plans or simply not make plans based on the possibility of being sick during that time.  I've done a lot of damage to friendships with this, not in a way that I've offended them, but in a way that I keep them at a distance.  I keep people at an arms length away because then they don't have to be involved or feel obligated to respond.

I read an article a couple days ago about the cyber world.  It said that many people preferred to go on a social network rather then have an in-person conversation.  This way, people could create a persona that can be digitally remade, they can put themselves in a certain light, and most of all, they could edit, delete, and perfect what they say to each other.  And then I realized that's exactly why I blog.  Because in this way, it allows people to walk away.  You can either choose to read or choose to walk away.  I'm not interfering with your time because you have a choice to stay or leave.  

I've had friends email and call me to talk, some of them genuinely letting me know they are here for me if I ever want to talk or need advice.  And I appreciate that so incredibly much.  But I've noticed that I tend to brush them off, make a joke, or change the subject to avoid an actual deep conversation.  Because in conversation, I can't edit my thoughts.  I can't take back what I say, or copy and paste quotes to make for a better flow.  In conversation, thoughts are sporadic, broken, raw.  

Being in a conversation makes everything that much more real.

So I've decided I'm going to try being more real with people.  Be okay with honesty.  Not just surface honesty, but deep, confusing, validated honesty.

My dad told something that has stuck with me.  He told me I tend to self-sabatoge, and through that I hold myself back.  The worst part?  I agree with him.

Do you do this?

It's so crazy how as humans we sometimes are our own worst enemies.  I've given myself stomach ache after stomach ache due to overeating and worry, now realizing it was because I was punishing myself.  Holding myself back from the right to be validated.  To be free.  

We inflict pain on ourselves because we think we deserve it.  We don't think we deserve to be happy.  

I know some of you do this, I've talked to you about it.  So hear me out.  Yes, you.  I want you to hear this from me, but more than that, I want you to believe it for YOU.  Because you deserve it.  Because you are worth it.  Because you are beautiful.

That thing you're embarrassed about?  That you don't want anyone to see?  That you tense up and hold your breath over?  The part of you that you wish were different?  It's okay.  Let it go.  Enjoy it.  It's part of what makes you so beautiful.  Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness.  If you're not happy with who you are on the inside, you won't be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either.  You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else.  Your are a f*cking wonderland.  You are amazing just as you are, right now.

Learn to validate yourself.  Not with what you do, how you look, or how much you have.  Learn to validate yourself with the simple but profound fact that you are loved.  You. Are. Loved. Just. As. You. Are.

1John 4:18-19