Deprecation
Why have I been a Christian for 25 years and still not know what that means?
Why does everyone seem so solid in their understanding and I'm floating around like, "Yeah, your version makes sense too..."
Why does everyone tell me the answer comes when you seek it, but I'm not good at hide-and-seek?
Why do I have so many questions?
If you've ever had one of those this-is-too-much-to-handle moments, you might understand that there are times when you're on your knees exhausted, angry, and surrendered, wondering if this is rock bottom. I've only had two of those moments in my life, one when I was younger, and one in the shower covered with leftover glitter but feeling anything but sparkle.
I rarely talk aloud when I pray, but today was different. I was verbally, brutally honest with God, something that a normal person might think to be strange but the anger came surprisingly easy and burned like a pile of wood soaked in gasoline. It only took one little match and suddenly flames were flailing, all the bent up energy exploding into the atmosphere.
Do you really have the ability to escape it inside you?
I stumbled upon a quote I wrote two years ago today, and it surprised me how much it resonated with me currently: We must maintain a delicate balance: trusting God as if everything depended on Him, while working as if everything depended on us.
I think my perception of Christianity has been too focused on religion and too little on relationship. Logically, I know I have a warped sense of understanding because if I had it right I wouldn't feel so confused, so apathetic to changing, so incredibly hateful of self for never, ever measuring up. Knowing that I never will measure up and not knowing how to accept surrender while simultaneously living in the respect and love that I've been given so graciously is quite a challenge for me. Maybe my eyes have been too focused on my own black soul and not enough on the White.
Do you ever feel guilty when you get things right, or do well, or feel like you're on the right track and then destroying it because you don't think you should be that happy?
Do you ever feel guilty for destroying it when you were finally getting it right?
The apostle Paul wrote in Romans about how he struggled with "wanting to do what is right but instead doing what I hate". I wrote about him in one of my first blogs back in June of 2013, and his battle is still my battle. People tell me all the time that I will find answers in the bible if only I desire, if only I look, if only I study. I guess a part of me still doubts that, because that story isn't about me. I can interpret it, I can learn from other's mistakes, but I can't know if how I apply it is right. Others tell me just be a good person, give, love, live, but that doesn't seem like it's enough for me either. How do I balance two worlds in my one heart? Better yet, how do I stop shoving things down my throat long enough to stop relying on packs of Tums to keep my stomach from the nauseating feeling of despair? How do I silence the noise long enough to find peace in my own way?
Deprecation comes when confidence fails. Confidence fails when society speaks. Society speaks when sin prevails. Sin prevails when God is silent. God is silent when people are apathetic.
How do we stop the apathy?
Why does everyone seem so solid in their understanding and I'm floating around like, "Yeah, your version makes sense too..."
Why does everyone tell me the answer comes when you seek it, but I'm not good at hide-and-seek?
Why do I have so many questions?
If you've ever had one of those this-is-too-much-to-handle moments, you might understand that there are times when you're on your knees exhausted, angry, and surrendered, wondering if this is rock bottom. I've only had two of those moments in my life, one when I was younger, and one in the shower covered with leftover glitter but feeling anything but sparkle.
I rarely talk aloud when I pray, but today was different. I was verbally, brutally honest with God, something that a normal person might think to be strange but the anger came surprisingly easy and burned like a pile of wood soaked in gasoline. It only took one little match and suddenly flames were flailing, all the bent up energy exploding into the atmosphere.
Do you really have the ability to escape it inside you?
I stumbled upon a quote I wrote two years ago today, and it surprised me how much it resonated with me currently: We must maintain a delicate balance: trusting God as if everything depended on Him, while working as if everything depended on us.
I think my perception of Christianity has been too focused on religion and too little on relationship. Logically, I know I have a warped sense of understanding because if I had it right I wouldn't feel so confused, so apathetic to changing, so incredibly hateful of self for never, ever measuring up. Knowing that I never will measure up and not knowing how to accept surrender while simultaneously living in the respect and love that I've been given so graciously is quite a challenge for me. Maybe my eyes have been too focused on my own black soul and not enough on the White.
Do you ever feel guilty when you get things right, or do well, or feel like you're on the right track and then destroying it because you don't think you should be that happy?
Do you ever feel guilty for destroying it when you were finally getting it right?
The apostle Paul wrote in Romans about how he struggled with "wanting to do what is right but instead doing what I hate". I wrote about him in one of my first blogs back in June of 2013, and his battle is still my battle. People tell me all the time that I will find answers in the bible if only I desire, if only I look, if only I study. I guess a part of me still doubts that, because that story isn't about me. I can interpret it, I can learn from other's mistakes, but I can't know if how I apply it is right. Others tell me just be a good person, give, love, live, but that doesn't seem like it's enough for me either. How do I balance two worlds in my one heart? Better yet, how do I stop shoving things down my throat long enough to stop relying on packs of Tums to keep my stomach from the nauseating feeling of despair? How do I silence the noise long enough to find peace in my own way?
Deprecation comes when confidence fails. Confidence fails when society speaks. Society speaks when sin prevails. Sin prevails when God is silent. God is silent when people are apathetic.
How do we stop the apathy?
Comments
Post a Comment