Surrender
I know a wonderful woman (shout out to Alanna) who last year made her New Year's resolutions different than the traditional "beginning of the year" type. She chose a word, Brave, to outline her year. Each month she would choose a "Brave Act" to do so that at the end of the year, she would have done twelve things out of her normal comfort zone. I thought this was a fantastic idea considering for most of us, our resolutions usually last about two weeks after the New Year before we start slipping into our old ways. Having a new one each month seemed like the perfect solution.
I tend to make a lot of changes to myself, thinking I will improve somehow. It's usually the same struggles I deal with, but each time I'll change something, or make a new approach to solving, thinking that "this one will work" or "it'll be different this time" only to find myself searching for another idea to help me solve my struggles. What I've noticed though, through all my changes, is one thing remains constant: my strong grip on wanting control.
I want to change things about myself, but I want to be in control. It's like a puppet show, you take a step back and see me pulling the strings of my life--the choices I make. And yet, I sometimes choose wrong. Take a step further back and you'll see my choices pulling the strings of me in a feedback loop of control. All along, I've wanted to choose my choices, and all along, they have been choosing me.
I had been thinking for awhile what I wanted my word to be, what would help me outline my year. Nothing really seemed fitting, until it hit me on Christmas Eve. I was in church at the service, feeling really dizzy and my stomach tight in knots. This tends to happen a lot when I'm sitting and listening, or letting my mind's worries somehow invade. I guess that's why I haven't been going to church much anymore, I don't want the attention if I have to leave. So I'm sitting in the pew, debating if I should just walk out of the service or if I should tell my dad next to me I don't feel well. My stomach was tighter and tighter pulling me inward with its knots, when all of a sudden I hear, "Surrender." Instantaneously, I felt a release; I let go of everything I was holding to and my knots were released. I sat there in peace for that moment, feeling as if the Lord had just surrounded me and removed everything that was keeping me in knots. Words can't fully capture what I felt. I just breathed, and with that breath I felt Christ. It was then I knew my year would be dedicated to surrender. Surrendering to Christ.
So each month I will choose a different thing to surrender. I've made a flexible list to start me off, ideas that I thought would help me gain perspective.
It didn't take long to come up with a list. My month of January was one of the easiest to come up with, and I think will be one of the hardest for me to do. I remember last summer I missed a wedding that I was so incredibly excited for, all based on the fact that I had made myself sick with stress, feeling that if I went, so many things I had struggled with and doubts about myself would only be confirmed. Two years ago I traveled across the states and had an opportunity to see a friend and their family, only to turn it down because I feared it would make another friend hurt. Ironically I think it affected all three sides instead.
During the time I came up with my list, I wanted to make sure I had different aspects of my life somehow interwoven. First, I knew I needed to involve career choices somehow.
When people come up to me and ask me what I'm going to do now, my standard response has been, "I don't know, please tell me what to do" but when they offer suggestions, inside i'm kicking and screaming thinking please don't make me do that. Because no matter what advice people give me, who to meet, where to go, what to do, I still have to live with the consequences. I've had people ask me why in the world I went to Northland when I could have gone anywhere. Why I would choose Northland over Harvard or why I stayed in my hometown so long. Why I couldn't get over a relationship that clearly wasn't good for me. Why I don't travel or study abroad right now.
Every moment I'm dying and it scares me enough to know that I don't want to die before I live. I don't want to look back and see a time of fear for what could happen, and therefore play safe all my life. I don't want to look back on my life and realize I hadn't ever lived. And so at this point, I think of the people I look up to for really living their life:
I think about my grandma, who worked at Kmart and had 8 children, spending her days working, cleaning, cooking, supporting her family, and who is so full of life and full of love I just hope some day I will be as adventurous, as exciting, as alive as she is.
I think of my uncle who backpacked through Europe when he was my age, who put himself through engineering school, and then AFTER finishing, decided to put himself through medical school. Who lived in his car for a year because he was broke. Who now travels the world with his wife and is more in shape than any man I've ever met of his age....or possibly mine.
I think about my friend's mom, how she helps people medically in their time of need, but spends the majority of her day at home gardening, cooking, cleaning, and everything in-between. How she isn't over in Africa on a mission trip building and constructing, but instead is changing the world from her own backyard. How I barely know her, but has been able to revolutionize my way of thinking. Who barely knows me, but has made me feel as if she's known me for years and is one of the few that actually understands. How she isn't in a foreign country on a mission trip, but makes a real impact just as big, if not bigger.
I think of these people so full of life, so energized by simply being here, and it makes me want to live with such a passion.
Next, I knew I needed to involve relationships in my list of surrender.
I read this quote today that really hit me: Until Jesus Christ is the obsession of your heart, you'll always be looking to mere men to meet needs that only he can fill. Only when you make Jesus Christ your first love, will you be ready for a love story that reflects His glory.
I realized that I'm not ready for a human relationship. There's a part of me still searching for a man to fill the role of Christ, and that's how I know I'm not ready. I want to discover this amazing Lord more. I want to continue to feel Him romancing me, the way He did when he covered the road with lavender while I drove a long, lonely drive. The way He did when He held me in 8th grade when I broke down on the bathroom floor, and healed me that night in a way that made me certain He was real. The way He warms my heart when he places a smile on a stranger's face, or the way He reminds me of my importance by having a friend tell me of a gift he still has that I gave him five years ago for his birthday when we barely knew each other. The way that every time I fall away or drift slowly but steadily in a different direction, he pulls me back in like a father who has just discovered his child playing in a mud puddle, filthy but worth holding. Simply knowing that He's not afraid to get his arms dirty to hold me, because He loves me. Knowing that He will clean me even when I think I can't be cleaned. What a great romancer.
The way He died for me when I turned away.
What a great romancer.
The way He loves me when I continue to nail His hands to a cross with my doubt, disbelieve, selfish ways, and sin.
What a great romancer.
Again, I talked with my dad tonight. I was in a bit of a "help me I can't make a decision" mode, struggling with what was the "proper" thing to do, when he simply stated that I couldn't go through my life always trying to please people. That the decisions I make, I live with. That it's okay to say no, it's okay to let go, it's okay to make a decision for what's best for you, instead of always trying to make someone else happy. I know he's right.
For the month of January, I have chosen "Make a decision" to be my surrender. For this month, I will not ask people for advice, or their opinion, on anything. Not when I'm applying for jobs, not when I'm looking at schools, not when I'm wondering about daily things that confuse me. I surrender to the fact that the Lord has given me wisdom to make choices, and He has blessed me with an opinion that matters. I surrender to trusting myself that what I choose is not wrong, and believing that I will know what I can do based on what the Lord has entrusted me with.
I can tell you that it takes great strength to surrender. You have to know that you are not going to collapse. Instead, you are going to open to a power that you don't even know, and it is going to come to meet you. In the process of healing, this is one of the huge things that I have discovered. People recognized the energy coming to meet them. When they opened to another energy, a love, a divine love, came through to meet them. That is what is known as grace. We all sing about amazing grace. It is a gift.
I think that it comes through the work that we do. For some people, it can come out of the blue, but I know that in my own situation, the grace came through incredible vigilance. ~ Marion Woodman
Surrender.
I tend to make a lot of changes to myself, thinking I will improve somehow. It's usually the same struggles I deal with, but each time I'll change something, or make a new approach to solving, thinking that "this one will work" or "it'll be different this time" only to find myself searching for another idea to help me solve my struggles. What I've noticed though, through all my changes, is one thing remains constant: my strong grip on wanting control.
I want to change things about myself, but I want to be in control. It's like a puppet show, you take a step back and see me pulling the strings of my life--the choices I make. And yet, I sometimes choose wrong. Take a step further back and you'll see my choices pulling the strings of me in a feedback loop of control. All along, I've wanted to choose my choices, and all along, they have been choosing me.
I had been thinking for awhile what I wanted my word to be, what would help me outline my year. Nothing really seemed fitting, until it hit me on Christmas Eve. I was in church at the service, feeling really dizzy and my stomach tight in knots. This tends to happen a lot when I'm sitting and listening, or letting my mind's worries somehow invade. I guess that's why I haven't been going to church much anymore, I don't want the attention if I have to leave. So I'm sitting in the pew, debating if I should just walk out of the service or if I should tell my dad next to me I don't feel well. My stomach was tighter and tighter pulling me inward with its knots, when all of a sudden I hear, "Surrender." Instantaneously, I felt a release; I let go of everything I was holding to and my knots were released. I sat there in peace for that moment, feeling as if the Lord had just surrounded me and removed everything that was keeping me in knots. Words can't fully capture what I felt. I just breathed, and with that breath I felt Christ. It was then I knew my year would be dedicated to surrender. Surrendering to Christ.
So each month I will choose a different thing to surrender. I've made a flexible list to start me off, ideas that I thought would help me gain perspective.
It didn't take long to come up with a list. My month of January was one of the easiest to come up with, and I think will be one of the hardest for me to do. I remember last summer I missed a wedding that I was so incredibly excited for, all based on the fact that I had made myself sick with stress, feeling that if I went, so many things I had struggled with and doubts about myself would only be confirmed. Two years ago I traveled across the states and had an opportunity to see a friend and their family, only to turn it down because I feared it would make another friend hurt. Ironically I think it affected all three sides instead.
During the time I came up with my list, I wanted to make sure I had different aspects of my life somehow interwoven. First, I knew I needed to involve career choices somehow.
When people come up to me and ask me what I'm going to do now, my standard response has been, "I don't know, please tell me what to do" but when they offer suggestions, inside i'm kicking and screaming thinking please don't make me do that. Because no matter what advice people give me, who to meet, where to go, what to do, I still have to live with the consequences. I've had people ask me why in the world I went to Northland when I could have gone anywhere. Why I would choose Northland over Harvard or why I stayed in my hometown so long. Why I couldn't get over a relationship that clearly wasn't good for me. Why I don't travel or study abroad right now.
Every moment I'm dying and it scares me enough to know that I don't want to die before I live. I don't want to look back and see a time of fear for what could happen, and therefore play safe all my life. I don't want to look back on my life and realize I hadn't ever lived. And so at this point, I think of the people I look up to for really living their life:
I think about my grandma, who worked at Kmart and had 8 children, spending her days working, cleaning, cooking, supporting her family, and who is so full of life and full of love I just hope some day I will be as adventurous, as exciting, as alive as she is.
I think of my uncle who backpacked through Europe when he was my age, who put himself through engineering school, and then AFTER finishing, decided to put himself through medical school. Who lived in his car for a year because he was broke. Who now travels the world with his wife and is more in shape than any man I've ever met of his age....or possibly mine.
I think about my friend's mom, how she helps people medically in their time of need, but spends the majority of her day at home gardening, cooking, cleaning, and everything in-between. How she isn't over in Africa on a mission trip building and constructing, but instead is changing the world from her own backyard. How I barely know her, but has been able to revolutionize my way of thinking. Who barely knows me, but has made me feel as if she's known me for years and is one of the few that actually understands. How she isn't in a foreign country on a mission trip, but makes a real impact just as big, if not bigger.
I think of these people so full of life, so energized by simply being here, and it makes me want to live with such a passion.
Next, I knew I needed to involve relationships in my list of surrender.
I read this quote today that really hit me: Until Jesus Christ is the obsession of your heart, you'll always be looking to mere men to meet needs that only he can fill. Only when you make Jesus Christ your first love, will you be ready for a love story that reflects His glory.
I realized that I'm not ready for a human relationship. There's a part of me still searching for a man to fill the role of Christ, and that's how I know I'm not ready. I want to discover this amazing Lord more. I want to continue to feel Him romancing me, the way He did when he covered the road with lavender while I drove a long, lonely drive. The way He did when He held me in 8th grade when I broke down on the bathroom floor, and healed me that night in a way that made me certain He was real. The way He warms my heart when he places a smile on a stranger's face, or the way He reminds me of my importance by having a friend tell me of a gift he still has that I gave him five years ago for his birthday when we barely knew each other. The way that every time I fall away or drift slowly but steadily in a different direction, he pulls me back in like a father who has just discovered his child playing in a mud puddle, filthy but worth holding. Simply knowing that He's not afraid to get his arms dirty to hold me, because He loves me. Knowing that He will clean me even when I think I can't be cleaned. What a great romancer.
The way He died for me when I turned away.
What a great romancer.
The way He loves me when I continue to nail His hands to a cross with my doubt, disbelieve, selfish ways, and sin.
What a great romancer.
Again, I talked with my dad tonight. I was in a bit of a "help me I can't make a decision" mode, struggling with what was the "proper" thing to do, when he simply stated that I couldn't go through my life always trying to please people. That the decisions I make, I live with. That it's okay to say no, it's okay to let go, it's okay to make a decision for what's best for you, instead of always trying to make someone else happy. I know he's right.
For the month of January, I have chosen "Make a decision" to be my surrender. For this month, I will not ask people for advice, or their opinion, on anything. Not when I'm applying for jobs, not when I'm looking at schools, not when I'm wondering about daily things that confuse me. I surrender to the fact that the Lord has given me wisdom to make choices, and He has blessed me with an opinion that matters. I surrender to trusting myself that what I choose is not wrong, and believing that I will know what I can do based on what the Lord has entrusted me with.
I can tell you that it takes great strength to surrender. You have to know that you are not going to collapse. Instead, you are going to open to a power that you don't even know, and it is going to come to meet you. In the process of healing, this is one of the huge things that I have discovered. People recognized the energy coming to meet them. When they opened to another energy, a love, a divine love, came through to meet them. That is what is known as grace. We all sing about amazing grace. It is a gift.
I think that it comes through the work that we do. For some people, it can come out of the blue, but I know that in my own situation, the grace came through incredible vigilance. ~ Marion Woodman
Surrender.
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