Soul Searching
I'm struggling trying to decipher what I want to say.
Have you ever wondered what it would be like to go somewhere totally different, where no one knows you, no one would miss you; it would be as if you didn't exist?
Sometimes I think that would be nice. Just to hide away from all responsibilities, all expectations, all people who keep asking what you're going to do, where you're going to go, who you're going to marry, and why you haven't done any of these things.
It's moments like these that I just want to curl up in a ball and disappear. And then go to a foreign country and travel without reserve, without fear. Most importantly, without your critical self telling you that you should be doing something more important with your life, helping people significantly more, putting all your effort into doing these things and not being so afraid to start. Without your critical self asking what are you waiting for, why can't you decide, why aren't you finding your passion, why aren't you trusting the Lord like you should, why are you so afraid to reach out, why are you slowly fading, why can't you pull yourself out, why can't you pull yourself together?
I get that your first job probably won't be the best. Or that you'll have to look around for awhile to find a job that will make you happy. Am I wrong in thinking that there's a job you're meant to do out there? That something, somewhere, somehow, is made for you--will make you happy, joyful, free?
Soul searching.
That's what this is all about. I think about jobs and the stress of deciding, and then I think about life. About people. And I wonder if the purpose of our time here isn't to find the perfect career, but rather in whatever we do we shall honor and serve the Lord. We treat people with love and respect, we treat ourselves with love and respect.
I took a test earlier today, one that's purpose was to help you figure out you're whole being. I will share some of the questions and answers here (in no specific order):
I encourage you to answer these questions for yourself, learn what it is that makes you happy, what it is that you spend your time doing, what direction you want to take your life in.
Have you ever wondered what it would be like to go somewhere totally different, where no one knows you, no one would miss you; it would be as if you didn't exist?
Sometimes I think that would be nice. Just to hide away from all responsibilities, all expectations, all people who keep asking what you're going to do, where you're going to go, who you're going to marry, and why you haven't done any of these things.
It's moments like these that I just want to curl up in a ball and disappear. And then go to a foreign country and travel without reserve, without fear. Most importantly, without your critical self telling you that you should be doing something more important with your life, helping people significantly more, putting all your effort into doing these things and not being so afraid to start. Without your critical self asking what are you waiting for, why can't you decide, why aren't you finding your passion, why aren't you trusting the Lord like you should, why are you so afraid to reach out, why are you slowly fading, why can't you pull yourself out, why can't you pull yourself together?
I get that your first job probably won't be the best. Or that you'll have to look around for awhile to find a job that will make you happy. Am I wrong in thinking that there's a job you're meant to do out there? That something, somewhere, somehow, is made for you--will make you happy, joyful, free?
Soul searching.
That's what this is all about. I think about jobs and the stress of deciding, and then I think about life. About people. And I wonder if the purpose of our time here isn't to find the perfect career, but rather in whatever we do we shall honor and serve the Lord. We treat people with love and respect, we treat ourselves with love and respect.
I took a test earlier today, one that's purpose was to help you figure out you're whole being. I will share some of the questions and answers here (in no specific order):
- What are the 5 things you spend most of your time on?
- Some type of computer work, whether Facebook, career searching, or homework
- Sitting and worrying about life
- Eating/stressing about food
- Watching movies, tv, other computer devices
- Talking with friends, family, or strangers
- What are the main reasons why you spend your time in this way?
- It's safer than taking a risk and failing
- I can zone out and not worry or think about life or fears
- I don't know where to go to escape
- Do you know what you want in life?
- Not completely in terms of career, but in other terms I simply want to be happy. To me, that looks like having a family and settling down, but also when I'm younger being able to travel, meet new people, learn about the world, be at peace with myself. Treat myself with love and respect rather than anger and disregard for my body. I want to work and live in such a way that helps others and gives the joy, peace, and happiness for themselves and their loved ones.
I encourage you to answer these questions for yourself, learn what it is that makes you happy, what it is that you spend your time doing, what direction you want to take your life in.
Do some soul searching.
A friend posted something for me about one's perspective on life. It was a video that described the daily life of an adult and how demanding and routine it could be--and yet how one's perspective of it could make or break the day. It emphasized how important our attitude was in daily living, and how we must remember the people around us are struggling, loving, wonderful, beautiful beings, just like ourselves. It's a video that came to me right after an intense conversation filled with tears, tired eyes, turning stomachs, and frustration. Something that could not have come at a more perfect time.
I had a conversation with another friend today while driving back to my house, and it gave me faith that things would work out. I can't even put my finger on what it was that helped me, but it led to a moment where I really did believe everything was going to be okay. The fact that someone was willing to talk to me about some things, but also just be there and give their own perspective and life experience made me realize that I don't have to have life all figured out right here, right now. I've based so much of my life on "if I have a family, I'll do this, but if I don't have a family, I'll do this" rather than just living in the moment and taking things as they come.
It's funny how some people you never thought would be there for you, are. And how some people that you always thought would be there for you, aren't.
My sister was the last person I called today. She is incredible. To sum up our conversation, she reminded me to take one day at a time. Focus on finals, studying, and getting involved and enjoying the last bit of time I have here at school before looking into jobs or worrying about anything else. She always knows what to say to make me feel so much better and relaxed.
I want to end with part of an article I read in a fitness website I spend a lot of time on. It's something that really spoke to me, as if I had written part of it myself...
Running gave me a reprieve from worrying, but for me, it was the opposite of meditation. Instead of focusing on my breath, I looked at my GPS watch constantly, willing the mileage to fly by. I thought about how good it would feel to be done so I could check "go for a run" off my to-do list. The drill sergeant voice in my head yelled "Pick up the pace!" if my attention strayed from finishing my workout to thoughts of who would walk me down the aisle.
For as long as I can remember, I've lived not in the moment but for the future. In college I spent many Friday nights at my desk, trying to make sense of The Canterbury Tales instead of drinking jungle juice at a frat party. I didn't go abroad or join any clubs because both would have cut into study time.
But while my GPA helped me land my first job at a magazine, I eventually deleted it from my resume and not a single human resources person seemed to notice. I bought a new computer, and out with the old one went all those college term papers I had slaved over.
[Then while training for my third half marathon, someone told me this:] "It's not the PR that matters, but the work you put into it," he said. "The reward has to come from the activity itself, not just the results."
I had long suspected this, of course. (After all, no one says "Seize tomorrow.") But it's one thing to read it in a self-help book and another to hear it from the mouth of a burly bearded man over the din of heavy metal. For some reason, it hit home: If these guys could dead-lift 500 pounds in an un-air-conditioned warehouse and have fun doing it, I could certainly find the joy in jogging.
[So while running my third half mile race, I began to fear many things.] But instead of forcing my fears down, I take note of each one, then let it go. I discover that I don't always have to ignore my discomfort for it to go away and that paying attention to it is actually more freeing that always trying to outrun it.
Running gave me a reprieve from worrying, but for me, it was the opposite of meditation. Instead of focusing on my breath, I looked at my GPS watch constantly, willing the mileage to fly by. I thought about how good it would feel to be done so I could check "go for a run" off my to-do list. The drill sergeant voice in my head yelled "Pick up the pace!" if my attention strayed from finishing my workout to thoughts of who would walk me down the aisle.
For as long as I can remember, I've lived not in the moment but for the future. In college I spent many Friday nights at my desk, trying to make sense of The Canterbury Tales instead of drinking jungle juice at a frat party. I didn't go abroad or join any clubs because both would have cut into study time.
But while my GPA helped me land my first job at a magazine, I eventually deleted it from my resume and not a single human resources person seemed to notice. I bought a new computer, and out with the old one went all those college term papers I had slaved over.
[Then while training for my third half marathon, someone told me this:] "It's not the PR that matters, but the work you put into it," he said. "The reward has to come from the activity itself, not just the results."
I had long suspected this, of course. (After all, no one says "Seize tomorrow.") But it's one thing to read it in a self-help book and another to hear it from the mouth of a burly bearded man over the din of heavy metal. For some reason, it hit home: If these guys could dead-lift 500 pounds in an un-air-conditioned warehouse and have fun doing it, I could certainly find the joy in jogging.
[So while running my third half mile race, I began to fear many things.] But instead of forcing my fears down, I take note of each one, then let it go. I discover that I don't always have to ignore my discomfort for it to go away and that paying attention to it is actually more freeing that always trying to outrun it.
I think we all have to learn to stop outrunning our fears. Stop trying to outrun our thoughts, outrun our challenges.
Sometimes I run to get rid of the weight, both physically and mentally. But I think learning how to face them in time will be much more essential. Running away from something will only get you so far, but running toward something will get you where you want to be. Find what you are running for.
Find what you are running toward.
Sometimes I run to get rid of the weight, both physically and mentally. But I think learning how to face them in time will be much more essential. Running away from something will only get you so far, but running toward something will get you where you want to be. Find what you are running for.
Find what you are running toward.
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