Let go and let God

Today was such an overwhelming day.  My sister brought five of her friends over for breakfast that I was able to meet/reconnect with, while at the same time another really close friend came to visit and catch up, and after everyone left I packed up all my stuff that I had been putting off and moved to Duluth.  Getting here, I unpacked (which basically means moving everything from my suitcase to my floor because I have no furniture currently) and then went to UMD to find my classes.  Found out I ordered a wrong book in which I have a test coming in less than a week. 
But that was the easy part.

I thought I had a handle on things.  I thought I had for the most part figured out I had made the right decision.  I though I was excited about moving on. 

I realized just because you ignore something, doesn't mean it goes away.  Doesn't make it easier.  Doesn't make it right.

As I was driving to Duluth, I absolutely lost it.  I hadn't cried in a very, very long time.  Actually, it was an unnaturally long time, but something happened today where I lost it.  It's weird that you don't realize how much emotion you can build up in yourself until it all is released. 

I've really been thinking about the question, "If you could go back to 18, knowing what you know now, would you do it all again?"  I had talked about this the other night briefly with two friends, but tonight I had the same conversation with my housemates.  One of them said, "You can get into a lot of trouble looking back and questioning yourself," and the other said, "I wouldn't, because I've had a really great past three years."  This weekend made me think a lot.  A. Lot.

For me though, this question holds a lot of weight.  College wasn't a time I look back and want to do again, yet my heart still yearns for those connections and so many friends I might never talk to again.  And that really freaks me out.  It was a difficult four years, lots of learning and understanding of myself and others, lots of laughing and lots of crying, but mostly a lot of analyzing. 

I realized though, that despite everything, that regardless of how I feel now, that even with everything that happened, I don't have a regret of going to Northland.  Because even though it tested me beyond what I thought was possible for me to handle, I grew.  And I met some incredibly amazing people. 

I think the hardest thing is letting them go.

How do you even let go of someone?  Seriously, why can't their be a Step-By-Step instruction guide of How-To-Let-Go-And-Move-On?  Wouldn't that be fantastic?

So, all of this was going through my head as I'm driving away.  I wasn't sad about leaving Ashland, or home, or any of that much, it was just realizing that I may never be with some of those people again.  Ever.  And that hurts.

I can't handle that kind of hurt.

So that's where the pain comes.  And the tears.  And everything.

As I was driving, I was listening to the song posted below.  I love music, and today was an exceptionally necessary day for me to listen to music.  Some of you may have heard this song, but these lyrics were a prayer I've been needing to pray, and a message that hit my heart hard:

God, You are my God
And I will ever praise you
I will seek You in the morning
And I will learn to walk in Your ways
And step by step You'll lead me
And I will follow You all of my days
I will follow You all of my days
 
It makes me remember that there's a plan.  That God has our best interest at heart.  That He knows our deepest desire, and He will give us exactly what we need.  So maybe I don't have to analyze 'if I did this' or 'if I hadn't said this' that it would all work out, because it will.  It will for you, and it will for me.  If something is meant to be, then it will.  All we have to do is live and let live.
 
Letting go is hard.  Letting go might be impossible. 
 
Letting go and letting God is the only way to be free. 
 
Free from the analyzing.
Free from the hurt.
Free from the constant questioning of yourself.
 
Free from the thought that you will never be good enough.
 
In Christ, we are free to be ourselves.  Free to love and be loved.  Free to accept who we are.  Free to accept who others are.  Free to trust that things will all work out in the end.
 
So that's my prayer.  To let go and let God. 


 

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