When will I be enough?
I have so much on my heart and mind right now I don't know where to begin. So, I'll start from the beginning. It's a little too 'about me,' but I'm hoping you'll stay with me to uncover the message within.
For anyone that has ever had an MRI, I am so sorry. Seriously. Apparently there are different types of things to do to prepare for them, but for me, I had to drink three large containers of contrast dye (containing a small amount of barium to coat your insides). I had an IV in me, and they added different things to me during the test to get different pictures. Needless to say, I was terrified. The last thing they added made me literally shake uncontrollably, not enough to be noticeable, but enough for me to notice. Not sure if it was the chemical or the fear in me, but a reaction nonetheless. All I could think was, "This too shall pass," and boy did I repeat that with diligence. haha
Fast forward to the next day, we get the results, I up some meds, we pray for relief. Nothing has really changed, no major breakthrough or understanding of what's going on. Which in a way I'm relieved, but in a way it's super frustrating not having a cure. I discovered the less I eat, the better I feel, and so I finally felt that I had found a great solution. I even though, hey, I could lose some weight in this. There's another bonus. And you'll think, "Why are so many women so concerned with losing weight?" Well, that's another story for another time, but know this: it's not just women. Men are incredibly susceptible as well. I know quite a few guys who struggle with this, and many of them have not told me. Call it intuition, but really, it's just paying attention. People think they can hide things well, but we're all human, we can recognize the signs. We see the things each other try to hide. We recognize the signs because we understand the story. We can all do this, we just have to pay attention. Anyway, back to the story. I had found a solution. Until lately, when the dizziness and sleepiness came on. And that freaks me out even more. Apparently not enough nutrients in your body, not enough fuel, makes you lose energy. Okay, so you're probably thinking, "Well duh, Diana. It didn't take a four year degree to figure that out." But it's a struggle when you're fighting between your stomach and your head, which one do you want to hurt and which one do you want relief?
I must say though, that feeling sick makes the things that do feel good in your life so much better. I have come to really appreciate a lot of other feelings and realities understanding that they aren't always there; that through suffering comes enlightenment. Not always, not that I'd ever wish suffering upon anyone, not that I want to suffer, but if you can come out of that, you will be stronger. We grow stronger in the broken places.
Have you ever thought that tomorrow will be better? That hope that the future will be better, that tomorrow is a new day. That's what I love about people, they are so full of hope. We've all had our days that we feel hopeless, sad, feeling like nothing will change, but those days pass. And then we have hope. I honestly believe that hope is clear evidence God is real. We, as humans, faithfully cling to our hope, because we believe things can get better. How could we ever have that without a true God giving us the courage to hope? The desire to dream? The passion to carry out our lives?
I spent this evening looking through old photos with my grandpa, looking at his younger years, his parents, grandparents; our relatives. It makes me so sad to see these photos. Is that a weird response? But seriously, it makes me so incredibly sad. There was so much life in these photos. There IS so much life in these photos. And that makes me sad. Because these people were filled with happiness, joy, struggles, insecurity, faith, hope, life. Life.
And now they're gone.
I totally don't mean this to be depressing by any means, so bare with me. The smiles I saw, the pictures of weddings, children growing, experiences and stories being formed, all of this made me so happy and yet so sad. I wonder in the future what people will think when they see photos of me and my family and friends; what will they think? I simply wish I could have met these people, my family, known their strengths and weaknesses, listened to their deepest desires, passions, theories, challenges--known their stories. How incredible. But then I realize, how many people out there do I know and have yet to meet that have stories, experiences, life understandings that I can listen to. That I can learn from. That I can simply be there for. That makes me excited.
That makes my heart beat with joy.
So many of us listen to stories in order to respond. In order to grow closer so we can tell our stories. Which is good, but even more so, we listen for benefit. I've learned that people don't really want to hear your stories, they want to talk about themselves. I don't like talking about myself because I know that most people don't really care. Maybe that's why I write, because you have the choice to walk away. To stop reading. Then I won't feel guilty for using your time. Most people are so enwrapped and enveloped in their own lives that they don't have time to give too much to someone else. We are all guilty of this. And that's okay. But just think about it for a moment, consider if you could spend time with one person a day listening to them for the sole reason because you're interested in them. Because you want to know them more, deeper, stronger. Think of how you'd change their life. Think of how they'd change yours.
This is why I love Mother Theresa. I've heard when one was in a room with her talking, she was listening to you. YOU. Nothing else mattered but you. And then I think of Jesus (you all knew it was heading there). What an amazing experience it would be to spend time talking with Him. And we can.
And. We. Can.
Prayer is so incredibly powerful, I've been witness to that. Sometimes I feel so strongly saddened by my lack of faith, because of the things I say and do. I think that if I had enough faith, I could feel better. Because we were given faith to move mountains right? Now some of you might find this ridiculous, and some of you might agree; I'm not talking to either, just a though I entertained frequently. I do believe in the power of prayer. And I do believe my faith is far too weak to ever carry alone. For that, and so many more things, I am so thankful Jesus was there to give me the strength, to save me from myself.
I've learned that my sense of overeating is far different than others. That my view of too much is too small compared to someone elses. As I was pacing after dinner thinking I should have had less, I heard something.
When will I be enough?
Wait a minute. My stomach is in knots and nervous from feeling bad, butterflies fluttering for no reason, anxiety without reason, I heard in the stillness, in the calm:
When will I be enough?
Wow, Jesus, you're right. Why am I afraid? Why are any of us afraid? You hold us in your hands. You care for us your children. What father would hurt his child? What daddy wouldn't want anything but the best for his child?
When will dad be enough?
When will He be enough?
And suddenly everything makes sense. The tests and trials I've gone through, that you've gone through. The life in the photos, the people lost, they are not lost. The stories that we listen to, the fact that we are simply there for each other, EVERYTHING. It all makes sense.
Nothing matters. He is enough. And through that, everything matters. He is enough.
Does that make sense to you?
I don't know all of your stories, I don't know all of your struggles, I don't know all of your experiences, but I do know you have them. You have joy. You have sadness. You have passions. You have love.
I want to know your story. And even if I don't ever hear it, I want you to know that I'm hear to listen. And even if you don't want to tell me, tell someone.
Tell your story.
Tell your story.
Because you are important. You are alive. You are loved. And another thing,
Listen to someone else's story. Make them know you are there for them. The strongest desire we have is to love and to be loved. So be that for someone. Find someone who is that for you. And above all, know this:
He is enough.
Tell Him your story. I know He knows it, but have a conversation. A relationship takes two. Don't think that God is some big guy up in the sky looking down and preoccupied with a zillion others. Because He's right there with you. Waiting. Listening. Loving. Wanting so badly for you to discover that He is enough. And in the mean time, as we search for love and joy in idles, things like money, relationships, food, pornography, rituals, work, manipulation, lies, achievements, He is with us, waiting. He is with us, asking:
When will I be enough?
For anyone that has ever had an MRI, I am so sorry. Seriously. Apparently there are different types of things to do to prepare for them, but for me, I had to drink three large containers of contrast dye (containing a small amount of barium to coat your insides). I had an IV in me, and they added different things to me during the test to get different pictures. Needless to say, I was terrified. The last thing they added made me literally shake uncontrollably, not enough to be noticeable, but enough for me to notice. Not sure if it was the chemical or the fear in me, but a reaction nonetheless. All I could think was, "This too shall pass," and boy did I repeat that with diligence. haha
Fast forward to the next day, we get the results, I up some meds, we pray for relief. Nothing has really changed, no major breakthrough or understanding of what's going on. Which in a way I'm relieved, but in a way it's super frustrating not having a cure. I discovered the less I eat, the better I feel, and so I finally felt that I had found a great solution. I even though, hey, I could lose some weight in this. There's another bonus. And you'll think, "Why are so many women so concerned with losing weight?" Well, that's another story for another time, but know this: it's not just women. Men are incredibly susceptible as well. I know quite a few guys who struggle with this, and many of them have not told me. Call it intuition, but really, it's just paying attention. People think they can hide things well, but we're all human, we can recognize the signs. We see the things each other try to hide. We recognize the signs because we understand the story. We can all do this, we just have to pay attention. Anyway, back to the story. I had found a solution. Until lately, when the dizziness and sleepiness came on. And that freaks me out even more. Apparently not enough nutrients in your body, not enough fuel, makes you lose energy. Okay, so you're probably thinking, "Well duh, Diana. It didn't take a four year degree to figure that out." But it's a struggle when you're fighting between your stomach and your head, which one do you want to hurt and which one do you want relief?
I must say though, that feeling sick makes the things that do feel good in your life so much better. I have come to really appreciate a lot of other feelings and realities understanding that they aren't always there; that through suffering comes enlightenment. Not always, not that I'd ever wish suffering upon anyone, not that I want to suffer, but if you can come out of that, you will be stronger. We grow stronger in the broken places.
Have you ever thought that tomorrow will be better? That hope that the future will be better, that tomorrow is a new day. That's what I love about people, they are so full of hope. We've all had our days that we feel hopeless, sad, feeling like nothing will change, but those days pass. And then we have hope. I honestly believe that hope is clear evidence God is real. We, as humans, faithfully cling to our hope, because we believe things can get better. How could we ever have that without a true God giving us the courage to hope? The desire to dream? The passion to carry out our lives?
I spent this evening looking through old photos with my grandpa, looking at his younger years, his parents, grandparents; our relatives. It makes me so sad to see these photos. Is that a weird response? But seriously, it makes me so incredibly sad. There was so much life in these photos. There IS so much life in these photos. And that makes me sad. Because these people were filled with happiness, joy, struggles, insecurity, faith, hope, life. Life.
And now they're gone.
I totally don't mean this to be depressing by any means, so bare with me. The smiles I saw, the pictures of weddings, children growing, experiences and stories being formed, all of this made me so happy and yet so sad. I wonder in the future what people will think when they see photos of me and my family and friends; what will they think? I simply wish I could have met these people, my family, known their strengths and weaknesses, listened to their deepest desires, passions, theories, challenges--known their stories. How incredible. But then I realize, how many people out there do I know and have yet to meet that have stories, experiences, life understandings that I can listen to. That I can learn from. That I can simply be there for. That makes me excited.
That makes my heart beat with joy.
So many of us listen to stories in order to respond. In order to grow closer so we can tell our stories. Which is good, but even more so, we listen for benefit. I've learned that people don't really want to hear your stories, they want to talk about themselves. I don't like talking about myself because I know that most people don't really care. Maybe that's why I write, because you have the choice to walk away. To stop reading. Then I won't feel guilty for using your time. Most people are so enwrapped and enveloped in their own lives that they don't have time to give too much to someone else. We are all guilty of this. And that's okay. But just think about it for a moment, consider if you could spend time with one person a day listening to them for the sole reason because you're interested in them. Because you want to know them more, deeper, stronger. Think of how you'd change their life. Think of how they'd change yours.
This is why I love Mother Theresa. I've heard when one was in a room with her talking, she was listening to you. YOU. Nothing else mattered but you. And then I think of Jesus (you all knew it was heading there). What an amazing experience it would be to spend time talking with Him. And we can.
And. We. Can.
Prayer is so incredibly powerful, I've been witness to that. Sometimes I feel so strongly saddened by my lack of faith, because of the things I say and do. I think that if I had enough faith, I could feel better. Because we were given faith to move mountains right? Now some of you might find this ridiculous, and some of you might agree; I'm not talking to either, just a though I entertained frequently. I do believe in the power of prayer. And I do believe my faith is far too weak to ever carry alone. For that, and so many more things, I am so thankful Jesus was there to give me the strength, to save me from myself.
I've learned that my sense of overeating is far different than others. That my view of too much is too small compared to someone elses. As I was pacing after dinner thinking I should have had less, I heard something.
When will I be enough?
Wait a minute. My stomach is in knots and nervous from feeling bad, butterflies fluttering for no reason, anxiety without reason, I heard in the stillness, in the calm:
When will I be enough?
Wow, Jesus, you're right. Why am I afraid? Why are any of us afraid? You hold us in your hands. You care for us your children. What father would hurt his child? What daddy wouldn't want anything but the best for his child?
When will dad be enough?
When will He be enough?
And suddenly everything makes sense. The tests and trials I've gone through, that you've gone through. The life in the photos, the people lost, they are not lost. The stories that we listen to, the fact that we are simply there for each other, EVERYTHING. It all makes sense.
Nothing matters. He is enough. And through that, everything matters. He is enough.
Does that make sense to you?
I don't know all of your stories, I don't know all of your struggles, I don't know all of your experiences, but I do know you have them. You have joy. You have sadness. You have passions. You have love.
I want to know your story. And even if I don't ever hear it, I want you to know that I'm hear to listen. And even if you don't want to tell me, tell someone.
Tell your story.
Tell your story.
Because you are important. You are alive. You are loved. And another thing,
Listen to someone else's story. Make them know you are there for them. The strongest desire we have is to love and to be loved. So be that for someone. Find someone who is that for you. And above all, know this:
He is enough.
Tell Him your story. I know He knows it, but have a conversation. A relationship takes two. Don't think that God is some big guy up in the sky looking down and preoccupied with a zillion others. Because He's right there with you. Waiting. Listening. Loving. Wanting so badly for you to discover that He is enough. And in the mean time, as we search for love and joy in idles, things like money, relationships, food, pornography, rituals, work, manipulation, lies, achievements, He is with us, waiting. He is with us, asking:
When will I be enough?
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