Thigh gaps and door taps

So I'm actually writing this post with a couple people in mind.  I'm hoping they read it, and chances are, if you think it might be for you, it probably is.

I always struggle trying to figure out where to begin, but I guess the best way is to just dive in.

I've been reading and hearing a lot of comments about the thigh-gap, which for those of you who don't know, it's when a woman has a space between her thighs (basically she's very thin and her legs don't touch when standing straight).  Most of the comments I've heard describe this as an ugly, gross, disgusting anorexic thigh gap.  I'm all for showing various body types, shapes, and sizes, and half of me is relieved to hear comments about how being scary thin isn't attractive or desirable; it gives me a relief because it gives me permission to not have to strive to be that, not that I need societal permission.  Although, if we're all being honest with ourselves, we all DO want societal acceptance in some form or another...it's part of being human and wanting connection with others.  The other half of me is offended by how anyone would make such an ignorant comment.  And to those of you who have said this, I say this with as much kindness as I can, but please, PLEASE, understand that you do not become more beautiful by putting another down.  You're beauty is not measured by criticizing someone else.  I almost feel like I shouldn't have to explain the many reasons why comments such as "ugly, gross anorexic" is wrong, I will explain for the sheer reason that I want these people to rethink such vile comments.

First of all, and probably the most obvious, is that some people simply have fast metabolisms and can't hold weight.  They may eat a lot or not, but regardless, there genetic makeup does not let them gain weight.  And that is no reason to criticize their shape.

Secondly, and maybe one that you may not realize, but anorexia isn't just something someone chooses.  Please don't be so ignorant; anorexia is caused by a number of factors, ones that I will not go into now because they vary from person to person.  However, sometimes when someone has had disordered eating for long enough, their bodies reject the food, and they struggle to gain anything at all.  Not to mention the amount of stress on their body and how much stress they relate with food, which causes a number of painful but VERY real symptoms.  Symptoms that make it difficult to eat, painful to digest, embarrassing to talk about. 

So if you are trying to work on a movement to give women with full bodies an encouraging leap, please do not discredit any other shape or size.  History repeats itself if you let it, and any woman putting down another is painful, regardless of what the reason.

So on that note, this next part you may understand or you may not.  In all honesty, I genuinely hope you don't fully understand, because that would have meant that you have experienced it and I never want you to go there.

I remember waking up, specifically in the first month of college, but other times as well, and looking in the mirror.  I would turn sideways and lift my shirt just enough to see my stomach, and I would examine what it looked like that morning.  I loved, absolutely loved, when I ran my hands down my side, not just flat stomach, but concave.  It was as if I was empty of food and living off of pure energy.  It was sensual, yet I felt young and free.  Like an energy surge that was indescribable.  To whomever said, "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels," I understood that.  Only a small fear of 'is this healthy?' echoed in my mind, but was quickly suppressed by running my hands down my side once more.  It was as if when I turned sideways I could almost disappear.  And to me, that was a good thing.  It came to use in any relationship. 

How?  Well, quite obvious I thought.  Being little, being light, was important because you wouldn't be so heavy for someone to carry.  Your burden on someone else would metaphorically be light.  Because maybe, just  maybe, if you were light enough for someone to carry you into their life, and through their life, you wouldn't cause them pain, or interfere with their path too much.  Maybe by being light, and maybe even invisible sometimes, you would be just light enough to be worth carrying on.  That maybe they wouldn't always notice you were there, so there would be no confrontation of anything real.

What's so scary about confrontation anyway?  Why do so many of us avoid it?  Why do we think it's such an intense, intimidating thing?  Maybe because it makes us take an honest look at ourselves and the person we're with.  Maybe because it makes us vulnerable.  Maybe because it could intensify the pain if things don't work out.  Maybe because if you fall too hard, if you get too close, if you become to vulnerable, you might be left on the side of the road bleeding with a wound that might not ever fully heal.

Now, I wake up with a flat stomach.  Not concave, just flat.  And for the longest time, that was really hard for me.  Because I felt I had lost my motivation, my self discipline, my control of what I thought was beautiful.  And let me be honest, I see others in a different light than myself.  I look at woman and see how beautiful they are, but rarely do I actually look at their size.  It's never 'look at how big or small' because I really am looking at their eyes, or their hair, or blown away by their personality.  So why is it that I, and most likely you, judge ourselves to such harsh standards, but treat others with such respect and acceptance?   Why don't we treat ourselves the same way we treat others?  The saying goes "Treat others the way you want to be treated" but did you ever think it should continue to say "Treat yourself with the same beautiful love you treat others"?  Doesn't that sound like an equally wonderful message?

So what is it that you do to be invisible?  What is it you're hiding from others because you're afraid of exposure?  Why do you think staying inside your box of fear is more promising than taking the leap of loving someone totally, with all you are, all you were, and all you will become?  Even if it's painful, even if it doesn't work out, what makes the experience of loving less important?

Many times, I have thought men don't want women that speak too much.  That are too emotional.  That demand too much.  Because emotional, intellectual, opinionated, women who ask for their man to do things they like to do, even if he doesn't (oh my goodness!) were too demanding.  Too much work.

Too much of a burden.

And so the societal saga continues.  Unless we change our perspective.  Unless we speak out that maybe our answers of "I'm fine" when we're clearly not will actually be heard.  Will actually be worth saying.  Will actually open up an entire way of communication, confrontation, and collaboration. 

This message can totally be spun around both ways.  For both genders.

Maybe, just maybe, speaking our mind, and not feeling like we need to be invisible, won't lead to an end.  Maybe it will finally lead us to an actual beginning.

The door may shut on you if you are honest.  But the door will never open if you don't try the handle.