Diana Reader

Why have I been a Christian for 25 years and still not know what that means? Why does everyone seem so solid in their understanding and I'm floating around like, "Yeah, your version makes sense too..." Why does everyone tell me the answer comes when you seek it, but I'm not good at hide-and-seek? Why do I have so many questions? If you've ever had one of those this-is-too-much-to-handle moments, you might understand that there are times when you're on your knees exhausted, angry, and surrendered, wondering if this is rock bottom.  I've only had two of those moments in my life, one when I was younger, and one in the shower covered with leftover glitter but feeling anything but sparkle. I rarely talk aloud when I pray, but today was different.  I was verbally, brutally honest with God, something that a normal person might think to be strange but the anger came surprisingly easy and burned like a pile of wood soaked in gasoline.  It only took one li...

I've learned a fair few bit of information since January; here's just a little taste of my random life lessons: 1. I learned there is such thing as scented toilet paper...is this what I've been missing by not living in the city?  (By the way, my bathroom currently smells like a lavender field.) 2. I learned that I feel like Cinderella every time I take out the trash--except the rats and pigeons scurrying around the dumpsters have yet to sing with me, or make me a dress. 3.  I learned that when you tell your friends you're going to be an adult and stop wearing only leggings/athletic gear, wearing scrubs the next day is (apparently) not an improvement. 4. I learned that my geekiness hit a new level, as my idea of an exciting Monday is having "trivia time" in neuro lab: when you take turns with your two lab partners pointing out structures and trying to beat each other in naming them first.  It's an insane adrenaline rush (which, by the way, is caused...

I know it's past Christmas, and dreams of winter wonderlands and holiday medleys are a whisper of the past, but I often think of the misfit toys from the Rudolph story, knowing yet another season has come and past and they are left with many months before they can begin to hope again for rescue. This is not the island I am going to discuss tonight, this is not the misfit I want to address. It's a strange feeling, being on your own hypothetical island, realizing that even the misfit toys had unity in knowing they were all misfits together.  It's a strange moment when you self reflect and realize there's no place like that for you.  The sweet one in a kettle of tea, the rebellious one in a group of ascetics.  It's like balancing on a four way fence...you could jump in different directions, land in different areas, but none of them would fully be you.  As much as you wish there was a place, a category you could find comfort in, none is to be found. Whether in con...

Dear Emily You taught me that reaching for external validation will always leave you empty and broken.  You challenged my thoughts, you questioned my beliefs.  You gave me the blessing to nourish without guilt.  You showed me that taking care of myself wasn't selfish.  You showed me what to look for in life, and you showed me that I'm already there. You taught me that vulnerability is beautiful. You allowed me to reach for goals but taught me that they do not define me.  In fact, you taught me that no one defines me.  You let me see that the world wouldn't shake if I didn't achieve perfection.  You gave me the freedom to seek life without constant belittlement.  You reminded me that we are all beautifully made, and when I rolled my eyes and pointed out your genericism, you pointed out my cynicism. You reminded me that we were meant for freedom. You taught me that people who need you are all around and everything I have discovered throug...

It's time for the inevitable bi-semester "Things Diana Has Learned" post. 1. Remember the stranger from the tram in "Things Diana Has Learned Part One?"  Ran into him again one dark morning.  Apparently he didn't recognize me, so he started the same conversation again.   I learned that you should always be grateful for classmates that rescue you in times of distress. 2. I learned to never accept free samples from vendors in the mall, especially because they'll probably tell you that you're not married because you have dry, damaged hair and need to buy their $200 straightener to fix that. 3. I learned that you've reached a breaking point when your professor says the word "duty" in class, so you whisper to your friend, "she said duty " just to be obnoxious.  She texts another friend in the class.  20 minutes later and the word "duty" said at least 15 more times by the professor (no joke), the friend next to you i...

I had an appointment this last week, the "intake" as you will.  I had been anticipating this for awhile, mostly mixed between feelings of dread and feelings of anxiousness.  Nervous that I would be looked at as someone who didn't belong, worried that I would be turned away because my exterior didn't match my interior.  Worried that I DID belong, worried that I would go and never get better, forever stuck in roller coaster state.  As I nervously walked into the waiting room, what I saw surprised me. I saw a room full of skeletons. Some skeletons were literal skin and bone.  Some skeletons were hidden behind layers of skin.  Some skeletons finding validity in exposure, others finding comfort in hiding through a self-inflicted, uncomfortable shroud. I didn't know the stories of these skeletons, nor do I know yours, but I do know we all have our stories.  We all have our challenges, our vices, our in-the-closet stories and our heinous mess ups that ...

Since the semester is almost half over, I thought I'd do a recap to bring some humor!  I don't have a week by week this time because everything blurs together, but here are the random, weird highlights.  I like to call it, "Things I've learned": 1. Met a guy on the train.  He started the conversation by asking if I purposely matched my phone to my water bottle (no) and within the two minutes he talked, he told me we live in the same apartment, he was an artist and a photographer, and he didn't think I looked old enough to be in grad school.  As the train came to my stop, he asked me for my number and shoved his phone in my hand.  I didn't know how to say "No thank you" without being rude, and I thought giving him a wrong number was deceitful, so now I cannot go down to the gym at my apartment because that's where he lives.  This is going to be a problem come winter.  I learned I have confrontational issues.  And need to work on saying no.  ...