Diana Reader

Yesterday was a historic day for America.  Regardless of what your personal opinions are, we can all agree that yesterday was a historic day.  There was loads of hugs, smiles, rainbows, and laughter.  There was also loads of disappointment, confusion, fear, and anger.  It was really hard to read comments and articles that were spewing with hatred, bigotry, slander, and disrespect. I think so much of the great divide between the two extremes of opinions is the result of fear.  This fear stems from a lack of understanding and a lack of compassion.  Many of the comments from religious people against this law come from an inability to understand how someone could be attracted to another of the same sex.  Many people whose comments were filled with slashing religious people do not understand how someone could stand for something they believe in when the world is changing and speaking a different message. I have been really, really struggling trying to f...

I went to mow my grandma's house yesterday (and five other lawns...yikes!)  I did the push mower on all of them, so my hands and feet are covered in bandaids from all the blisters.  Now you might think this to be inconvenient, but when you're like me and buy glow-in-the-dark cartoon bandaids, you'll enjoy the fact you get to see Spongebob, Patrick, and Scooby Doo every time you look at your hands.  And you'll be stoked that you get to open the Monster's Inc package next. On the way over to her house, for a brief moment I thought I should quick knock on her door to let her know I was going to start mowing.  It was that second of habit, of forgetting she was no longer there.  I was going to mow the lawn of an empty house.  And then I started reliving the fact that I'll never see her waving as I'm leaving the house.  I'll never watch her go sweep her driveway when I got grass clippings all over it (no matter how hard I tried not to!)  And that t...

A continuation of the last blog: When you believe without knowing you believe that you are damaged at your core, you also believe that you need to hide that damage for anyone to love you.   You believe that The Voice knows the truth and you don't want anyone else to discover how monstrous you are.  how dark.  How unredeemable.  Hiding seems like an act of self-preservation.  It seems like your only option if you want to have any kindness or love in your life.  When you are in total agreement with The Voice, you convince yourself that your best and only recourse is to be ashamed of yourself and to try harder to get it right.  Be The Voice's idea of you.  Be someone different, someone you're not. Sometimes I wish I could go back to a time when this world hadn't gotten to me.  Before I heard of diets, before the media introduced me to photoshop, before I was told I was too skinny, too fat, too dumb, too smart, too lazy, too bus...

Being in a relationship [whether romantic or platonic] with someone and refusing to surrender to the love because you don't want to give yourself to something you will eventually lose.  That's called living in hell.  That's also called leaving without leaving.  Dying before you die.  It's as if there is a part of you that so rails against being shattered by love that you shatter yourself first.  Another name for this pattern?  Obsession. Have you ever had a book that seemed to understand your thought process and expressed it in ways you never could?  Have you ever read something that explained everything you've ever felt but never knew how to communicate?  I recently read the book Women Food God  by Geneen Roth (quote from above and throughout) and was awestruck at how much it hit home.  Per usual, when I find a book that I relate to, I underline, highlight, footnote, and memorize passages I connect with.  This book has been the m...

I realized today that over my life I've believed that everything good or bad I've done has been credited to others.  I am a good reader because my grandma used to read to me when I was little.  I excel in school because my mom taught me the proper way to study.  My athletic ability was passed down from my dad.  My understanding of God was taught to me by a friend.  My acceptance of others was developed by J.K. Rowling.   In all these things, my being was formed by God. I also though, accredited the bad things to others.  My fears of pain was brought on by movies.  I gained weight because I was tired of people trying to force me to eat.  My ideal body image was shaped by the media.  My burning acknowledgement of my insufficiency grew as I learned of people like Mother Theresa, MLK, and so many heroes that were simply people striving for something better.   What I learned was that all of these things, good or bad, positive ...

I was doing fine with the fact that it was my last day of work today until a patient brought me flowers as a going away present.  Giving hugs to my coworkers and bosses as I left, I realized something: My heart is not equipped for goodbyes. And the thing is, I really thought I prepared myself.  I've tried not to feel so much, tried not to care so much, tried to keep an arms length away so I wouldn't have such a hard time.  As much as I've tried to keep distancing myself, I've found that my head hates it here and my hearts still hurts. The funeral of a friend, someone who I didn't know too well, someone who I grew up watching but rarely talking with, yet someone who I grieve for tonight.  Someone who I can't stop the tears from falling for them.  Why do we have to say goodbye?  Why do we have to live in such a fallen world? I rarely go to church.  My days are filled with thoughts of the Lord, but also with thoughts of this world.  I had con...

God says, 'The reason why some people have turned against you and walked away from you without reason has nothing to do with you.  It is because I have removed them from your life because they cannot go where I am taking you next.  They would only hinder you at the next level because they have already served their purpose in  your life.  Let them go and keep moving.  Greater is coming your way.' If you know me, you know that I have trouble letting people go.  I love seeing a stranger become a close friend, I love receiving the smile of a classmate from across the lawn, I love discovering people one conversation at a time.  As life may have it though, people move away, friends become strangers, people you hoped that would stay close end up lost in the chaos that is life. Sometimes I'm relieved by this.  Sometimes people are toxic and it's important to distance yourself.   But sometimes people are wonderful, though they ar...