It's not summer without you
There are moments in every girl's life that are bigger than we know at the time. When you look back, you say, That was one of those life-changing, fork-in-the-road moments and I didn't even see it coming. I had no idea. And then there are the moments that you know are big. That whatever you do next, there will be an impact. Your life could go in one of two directions. Do or die.
This was one of those moments. Big. They didn't get much bigger than this.
I've been dangerously hooked to a book series that I found while I was in Appleton. I had read the review of it and something about me was drawn to it. I wasn't ready to admit why I wanted to read it, but then again, I was like a hopeful child, wishing it would give me answers I have searched for.
So I checked out the first book at the library and stayed up until 1am to finish it. The other two were on order and I walked around like a lost puppy waiting for the books to come. It's weird, when you get hooked on a book, it's like you're living another life. Even stranger when the book holds odd resonance with your own life.
I went to the library today and found out both of the other books were in. I was going to Duluth today to help pick out some stuff for the rental, but I couldn't wait to start. I tried my best to carry conversation in the car, but it was really hard not to read when the books were sitting in front of me, taunting me to find out. We got home later this afternoon, and 550 pages later, I had to pause. I was ten pages away from finishing the second book, and I didn't know if I wanted to.
Have you ever had that feeling? Like, you're afraid to finish something, because you don't want it to be over? And even still, what if it doesn't end the way you want? It's so silly, and probably only a real book lover will understand this nonsense, but it's so real. It was one of those evenings where, after I finished the first book, I realized how dizzy I was because I hadn't eaten anything...I was too absorbed and making food seemed more of a chore than a necessity. Nonetheless, I decided to eat something because in all honesty, I wouldn't be able to finish the book if I was to dizzy to focus. Again, only a book lover will understand.
This trilogy was a mix of things. I don't want to give a summery for the mere sense I wouldn't do it justice, but the story is about a mom and wonderful friend who dies of cancer, and her whole family and the family she is close to struggles to understand. At the same time, the story is about a girl who falls for two brothers, one who treats her well (for the most part) and one who rarely shows emotion, but ironically is the one she knows she'll always love.
The first brother treats her really well. He's one of those outgoing, smooth, well rounded, life-of-the-party kind of guy. A real charmer, and a real entertainer.
The second brother constantly breaks her heart. He leads her on, then runs away. He shows no emotion, a brick wall hiding something that you know is beneath. It was so frustrating reading about him, because you KNOW there's something more to him and if you could only just read his mind for a moment, just a moment, you'd be able to know if he even cares about her or not.
Have you ever known someone like that? Someone who is so good at being so emotionless that you wonder if they really don't care? That's when I finally got it. I finally understood. It wasn't the thought that counted. It was the actual execution that mattered, the showing up for somebody. The intent behind it wasn't enough. Not for me. Not anymore. It wasn't enough to know that deep down, he loved me. You had to actually say it to somebody, show them you cared. And he just didn't. Not enough.
This was what the girl thought of the second brother. And I get it, but at the same time, I was really hoping it would work out.
She eventually dates the first brother, the one who treats her well, but is still clueless to her implied thoughts, her unspoken needs. And he cheats on her. Which for me, was an emphasized deal breaker. She takes him back because he proposes (okay sounds like a bit of a chick book, but I told you I wouldn't do it justice. It dealt a lot with losing someone you love, death, emptiness, hope, confusion, etc.)
So the day before her wedding, the second brother (the one I was rooting for but I had mostly given up hope he'd have the guts to talk to her--no show emotion guy, remember?) he tells her everything. How much he does love her, how much he wants her to choose him, how much he didn't want to hurt his brother so he had stepped back, how much he actually does care.
What is it with some guys that they wait until the last minute? They say if you have chemistry there's only one other thing, but timing's a bitch. I think they both are.
She said exactly what I was thinking, why would he wait until now to tell her. The only reason he was saying it was because she was getting married. Someone else wanted her, so he did too. I was shocked with his response to her statements. But I believed him, because it was true.
She blows him off, which as much as I didn't want her to, I couldn't help but agree with her. He had waited too long. She was with his brother for goodness sake, you can't just destroy a family like that. Toward the end his brother finds out and is super upset to say the least.
With two chapters to go, I stopped reading. This last book gave me insight into the "brick wall" second brother. Strange how much emotion someone can have inside when they don't show any outside. Frustrating really, would have saved a lot of tears if he would have just had the courage to say something. I didn't want to keep reading, partly because it'd be over, and partly because I was afraid of the end. It's weird, when you connect with a character, it's like you're reading about your own life. Wondering how it will end, reminding yourself it's just a book.
What I loved about this character, this girl, is that despite her mistakes and insecurities, she was still so comfortable around both of them. She was okay with wearing sweats, being sick, having sand in her hair, gaining weight, eating junk food, crying, anything and everything, while she was around them. Despite how both of them hurt her, she was who she was. And that was it.
It's weird, because lately I've felt that. I've always lost weight, gained weight, whatever it be, for someone else. To make someone else happy. "Oh Diana, remember when you used to be so skinny?" Cue: time to stop eating so much. "Oh Diana, you look so sickly skinny." Cue: time to gain weight. For the first time in a very, very long time, there are moments in-between my gaining weeks or losing weeks, where I look in the mirror and think, "Wow, I like where I am. I'm okay with this. Do you really think there's a time where this feeling will last?"
This isn't some "girl only feeling" because I know guys feel this way. Girls may think about their weight, but I know guys have a lot of pressure to gain muscle, have a certain body type just the same way girls do. So I can't help but wonder, can this feeling last? Deep down inside me, I know it can. I know because a friend told me so. I know because I believe him.
Do you believe that? I mean, do you really believe that about yourself? That you can be fully and totally happy with who you are? Because chances are, you're not completely happy. And chances are, you believe it's possible. I think we all do, because we were destine to love not just others, but ourselves as well. We are divinely designed, and you can't have divinity without beauty. Not just surface, but a deep, penetrating, moving beauty.
I knew I had to finish the last chapters if I was going to sleep tonight, so I did. I haven't decided if I want to tell you how it ended, who she ended up with, because I want you to choose. That's how life is, isn't it? We all choose. Not everything we can control, but we largely choose our direction.
When I used to picture forever, it was always with the same boy. In my dreams, my future was set. A sure thing. "Are you sure?" he asks me. "No." I say, getting in. The future is unclear. But it's still mine.
This is our start. This is the moment it becomes real. We are infinite.
I won't tell you the ending, but I will tell you this: I had a smile on my face and peace in my heart. It may not have been my story, but I have hope, just like her, that it might be.
This was one of those moments. Big. They didn't get much bigger than this.
I've been dangerously hooked to a book series that I found while I was in Appleton. I had read the review of it and something about me was drawn to it. I wasn't ready to admit why I wanted to read it, but then again, I was like a hopeful child, wishing it would give me answers I have searched for.
So I checked out the first book at the library and stayed up until 1am to finish it. The other two were on order and I walked around like a lost puppy waiting for the books to come. It's weird, when you get hooked on a book, it's like you're living another life. Even stranger when the book holds odd resonance with your own life.
I went to the library today and found out both of the other books were in. I was going to Duluth today to help pick out some stuff for the rental, but I couldn't wait to start. I tried my best to carry conversation in the car, but it was really hard not to read when the books were sitting in front of me, taunting me to find out. We got home later this afternoon, and 550 pages later, I had to pause. I was ten pages away from finishing the second book, and I didn't know if I wanted to.
Have you ever had that feeling? Like, you're afraid to finish something, because you don't want it to be over? And even still, what if it doesn't end the way you want? It's so silly, and probably only a real book lover will understand this nonsense, but it's so real. It was one of those evenings where, after I finished the first book, I realized how dizzy I was because I hadn't eaten anything...I was too absorbed and making food seemed more of a chore than a necessity. Nonetheless, I decided to eat something because in all honesty, I wouldn't be able to finish the book if I was to dizzy to focus. Again, only a book lover will understand.
This trilogy was a mix of things. I don't want to give a summery for the mere sense I wouldn't do it justice, but the story is about a mom and wonderful friend who dies of cancer, and her whole family and the family she is close to struggles to understand. At the same time, the story is about a girl who falls for two brothers, one who treats her well (for the most part) and one who rarely shows emotion, but ironically is the one she knows she'll always love.
The first brother treats her really well. He's one of those outgoing, smooth, well rounded, life-of-the-party kind of guy. A real charmer, and a real entertainer.
The second brother constantly breaks her heart. He leads her on, then runs away. He shows no emotion, a brick wall hiding something that you know is beneath. It was so frustrating reading about him, because you KNOW there's something more to him and if you could only just read his mind for a moment, just a moment, you'd be able to know if he even cares about her or not.
Have you ever known someone like that? Someone who is so good at being so emotionless that you wonder if they really don't care? That's when I finally got it. I finally understood. It wasn't the thought that counted. It was the actual execution that mattered, the showing up for somebody. The intent behind it wasn't enough. Not for me. Not anymore. It wasn't enough to know that deep down, he loved me. You had to actually say it to somebody, show them you cared. And he just didn't. Not enough.
This was what the girl thought of the second brother. And I get it, but at the same time, I was really hoping it would work out.
She eventually dates the first brother, the one who treats her well, but is still clueless to her implied thoughts, her unspoken needs. And he cheats on her. Which for me, was an emphasized deal breaker. She takes him back because he proposes (okay sounds like a bit of a chick book, but I told you I wouldn't do it justice. It dealt a lot with losing someone you love, death, emptiness, hope, confusion, etc.)
So the day before her wedding, the second brother (the one I was rooting for but I had mostly given up hope he'd have the guts to talk to her--no show emotion guy, remember?) he tells her everything. How much he does love her, how much he wants her to choose him, how much he didn't want to hurt his brother so he had stepped back, how much he actually does care.
What is it with some guys that they wait until the last minute? They say if you have chemistry there's only one other thing, but timing's a bitch. I think they both are.
She said exactly what I was thinking, why would he wait until now to tell her. The only reason he was saying it was because she was getting married. Someone else wanted her, so he did too. I was shocked with his response to her statements. But I believed him, because it was true.
She blows him off, which as much as I didn't want her to, I couldn't help but agree with her. He had waited too long. She was with his brother for goodness sake, you can't just destroy a family like that. Toward the end his brother finds out and is super upset to say the least.
With two chapters to go, I stopped reading. This last book gave me insight into the "brick wall" second brother. Strange how much emotion someone can have inside when they don't show any outside. Frustrating really, would have saved a lot of tears if he would have just had the courage to say something. I didn't want to keep reading, partly because it'd be over, and partly because I was afraid of the end. It's weird, when you connect with a character, it's like you're reading about your own life. Wondering how it will end, reminding yourself it's just a book.
What I loved about this character, this girl, is that despite her mistakes and insecurities, she was still so comfortable around both of them. She was okay with wearing sweats, being sick, having sand in her hair, gaining weight, eating junk food, crying, anything and everything, while she was around them. Despite how both of them hurt her, she was who she was. And that was it.
It's weird, because lately I've felt that. I've always lost weight, gained weight, whatever it be, for someone else. To make someone else happy. "Oh Diana, remember when you used to be so skinny?" Cue: time to stop eating so much. "Oh Diana, you look so sickly skinny." Cue: time to gain weight. For the first time in a very, very long time, there are moments in-between my gaining weeks or losing weeks, where I look in the mirror and think, "Wow, I like where I am. I'm okay with this. Do you really think there's a time where this feeling will last?"
This isn't some "girl only feeling" because I know guys feel this way. Girls may think about their weight, but I know guys have a lot of pressure to gain muscle, have a certain body type just the same way girls do. So I can't help but wonder, can this feeling last? Deep down inside me, I know it can. I know because a friend told me so. I know because I believe him.
Do you believe that? I mean, do you really believe that about yourself? That you can be fully and totally happy with who you are? Because chances are, you're not completely happy. And chances are, you believe it's possible. I think we all do, because we were destine to love not just others, but ourselves as well. We are divinely designed, and you can't have divinity without beauty. Not just surface, but a deep, penetrating, moving beauty.
I knew I had to finish the last chapters if I was going to sleep tonight, so I did. I haven't decided if I want to tell you how it ended, who she ended up with, because I want you to choose. That's how life is, isn't it? We all choose. Not everything we can control, but we largely choose our direction.
When I used to picture forever, it was always with the same boy. In my dreams, my future was set. A sure thing. "Are you sure?" he asks me. "No." I say, getting in. The future is unclear. But it's still mine.
This is our start. This is the moment it becomes real. We are infinite.
I won't tell you the ending, but I will tell you this: I had a smile on my face and peace in my heart. It may not have been my story, but I have hope, just like her, that it might be.
I say eat what you want...die well fed. Meal times are for enjoying yourself and your family....and those times are even better when you enjoy the food.
ReplyDeleteThat's not to throw out all sensibility. No one should sit and eat a bucket of lard.
Also: We are not infinite. Infinite implies no beginning and no end. Even if we live on through eternity....we have a beginning. Therefore, not infinite.