February Act of Surrender

Decision making isn't easy, but life's a challenge, and along with challenge comes opportunity.  Through my decisions, I have been guided by the Lord to accept two (what I call) "hobby jobs" along with taking initiative to explore my future with excitement.  I've granted myself the blessing to stop  forcing myself into a career path that I utterly dread the thought of, but instead become excited about something that holds so much possibility.  Even in the little things that I've decided, like making a sweater or decorating and designing organization products (I know, I'm weird like that) I've been able to take ownership of who I am.

I'm still converting home videos to dvd...it's a long process...and currently up to my freshman year of college.  Watching videos from my senior year, I was freshly reminded of how driven I was, how happy and excited with possibility for what was to come.  College wasn't what I expected; I expected excitement, happiness, sleepovers, love, happiness, and freedom from self examination.  What I found was both everything I listed, and also the opposite.  I found disappointment, laziness, heartbreak, frustration, anger, and self infliction.  Seeing myself in high school and remembering that girl who was so driven, I felt like I found her again.  After four years of losing her in college, I feel like she came back.  Stronger.  More in love with who she is, seeing where she was.  Sure, she's not perfect, she's not anywhere close, but that's what makes her unique.

Do you look at yourself this way?  Let me name a few things that you might not like about yourself, but I find amazing.  For some of you whom I know well, acquainted with, or simply pass by.  Each of you have a place here:

I love your crooked smile, the way it warms my heart and is contagious.

I love your crazy curly hair, the way it has it's own energy that compels other to become energized.

I love your obsession with the one person you know you'll love forever BECAUSE HE'S SO GREAT AND WHY WOULDN'T YOU--DID YOU SEE HIM TODAY?!  For all those times you talked about him with me, I loved it.

I love your full body that made me feel loved and safe when you hugged me.

I love your skinny calves that are ridiculously adorable!

I love that you don't just open up to anyone, that you take time to understand, that makes me feel like I mean something.

These are just a couple of my favorite things.  You know what bothers you about yourself, find these so called "imperfections" and come to love them.

For the month of February, I decided to do both an internal and external act of Surrender.  Internally, I am going to be honest with everyone I talk to.  There are so many conversations that I begin with intentions of talking about what's on my heart, but I become afraid of that confrontation.  Not wanting to offend, or hurt, or begin something.  Simply afraid of the unknown.  I will do my best to make sure people want to hear my honesty, but I plan to answer questions I receive with directness and truth.  No more dancing around the subject.

Externally, February is the zero waste/minimal trash month.  Now I realize this is incredibly difficult, but my plan is to, for one month I am going to only buy/use things that are reusable or recyclable.  I am going to compost the foods I eat and avoid the foods I can't compost.  There are some roadblocks I have come across (use your imagination) so instead of complete zero waste, I'm just going to limit the house to a small trash bag.

Internally, I surrender to truth.  Our God has made known He is the way, the Truth, and the Life.  In our relationship, I want to honor Him in every way I can, and I know I struggle with this.  What better way to surrender than to be honest with self and others.  Externally, I surrender to taking care of the place the Lord has given us.

"Surrender simply means keeping God's will before our own." ~Radhanath Swami



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