It's not your fault
I read a story about a woman who was raped when she was 3 years old.
Then again at 5.
Then again at 6 and consecutively for the next five years.
She was shuffled from one house to another, took care of her younger brother the best she could, and was in essence an adult at the age of 10.
Recently I've been trying to fill my time with activities while applying for jobs and trying to figure out what exactly I want to do with my life. I'm trying really hard to figure it out as fast as I can, because I don't like the uncertainty. I mastered the art of pretending I am comfortable not knowing, I've gotten really good at telling jokes or asking questions about someone else to avoid the questioning for myself. I've analyzed myself again and again, wondering why I'm struggling with figuring it out.
So during this time I've kept busy by teaching myself how to make homemade bread, granola, perfected some cookie recipes, even made my own soap. Along with these hobbies, I've started transferring all of my families home videos from VHS to DVD.
I was watching one of the videos tonight. It was my sister getting her first piano lesson from my mom, and I was in the same room dancing my heart out at her broken tune. Spinning and spinning, making my dress twirl, I was totally unaware that the music was uneven. I simply danced. Fast forward to another video, and I see myself sitting on my dads lap while he reads me a story. I'm wrapped up in my favorite blanket, totally engrossed in the story.
And I feel an enormous amount of love for this little girl. For a moment, I felt I was given a brief look at how the Lord sees me. He doesn't look at my chubby cheeks, my frizzy hair, the fact that my dress is two sized too big, or the fact that my dance is more of an interpretive rain dance that a graceful ballet. He sees a child free from criticism of herself or others, he sees a child in love with life, he sees a child with innocence, purity, excitement, and a total enjoyment of who she is.
He sees the same when He looks at you.
It brought me to tears. I wonder how anyone could ever hurt a small child. I began to think of the fact that so many little girls and little boys are raped, beaten, ignored, unloved, abandoned. How anyone could ever hurt such an innocent creature, how anyone could do anything but love this child with a parental passion.
It makes me realize even more how difficult it was for God to sacrifice His Son.
It makes me realize even more how much love God must have had for you and me to sacrifice His Son.
I had watched a movie tonight, some of you probably have seen it--it's pretty old but I'm not one to keep up with movies. Anyway, there's a scene (I posted below) that gives you some background on the main character's childhood. He was shuffled from foster home to foster home, beaten and abandoned time and time again. He's talking with a professor of therapy about his past, and his therapist begins to say time and time again,
It's not your fault.
These four words are so incredibly powerful. For anyone who has ever battled with physical or mental abuse, bullying, etc., these words can free you. For some reason I kept thinking of pornography. It's one of those things that the topic alone makes me feel sick. Anything and everything about it repulses me, and I don't understand why it's something that is still so prevalent in our society. Don't get me wrong, I understand this is a really powerful addiction and can control people beyond their will, but the entire beginning; I don't understand how it all started. Why someone would ever create this industry. Why anyone would ever want to get involved.
My heart breaks for those involved. For those that don't have a choice. For the children in sex slavery, for the child prostitutes, for the children forced to perform acts that are beyond what any child should ever have to even witness.
And by children, I don't just mean under 18. By children, I mean God's children. I mean any and all ages. Because no one should ever have to suffer that abuse. No one should ever have to live with the torment of being raped, beaten, used like an old rag. No one should ever have to feel like it was their fault for being mistreated.
I just want you all to think about who you were when you were younger. Go look through old photo albums, go watch old videos, find old journals, papers, drawings that you did, or if you have none of these, just think about who you were. What you liked, what you disliked. How you acted, what you experienced. Feel the love you have for that child. Tell that younger self what you want him or her to know. Give the love to that child that you know you need. And look at yourself in the mirror and realize that's how the Lord loves you, but so incredibly, unfathomably more.
For you who told me you thought you were too boring to be lovable, you are so wrong.
For you who told me you were to broken to be fixed, you are so wrong.
For you who told me you thought you needed to be skinny to be happy, you are so wrong.
For you who told me you needed your "admirable job" to be successful, you are so wrong.
For you who believes you need use your body to find love, you are so wrong.
For you who thought you deserved the rapes, beatings, bullying, rejection that you received, my darling you are so wrong.
It's not your fault.
It's not your fault.
It's not your fault.
Then again at 5.
Then again at 6 and consecutively for the next five years.
She was shuffled from one house to another, took care of her younger brother the best she could, and was in essence an adult at the age of 10.
Recently I've been trying to fill my time with activities while applying for jobs and trying to figure out what exactly I want to do with my life. I'm trying really hard to figure it out as fast as I can, because I don't like the uncertainty. I mastered the art of pretending I am comfortable not knowing, I've gotten really good at telling jokes or asking questions about someone else to avoid the questioning for myself. I've analyzed myself again and again, wondering why I'm struggling with figuring it out.
So during this time I've kept busy by teaching myself how to make homemade bread, granola, perfected some cookie recipes, even made my own soap. Along with these hobbies, I've started transferring all of my families home videos from VHS to DVD.
I was watching one of the videos tonight. It was my sister getting her first piano lesson from my mom, and I was in the same room dancing my heart out at her broken tune. Spinning and spinning, making my dress twirl, I was totally unaware that the music was uneven. I simply danced. Fast forward to another video, and I see myself sitting on my dads lap while he reads me a story. I'm wrapped up in my favorite blanket, totally engrossed in the story.
And I feel an enormous amount of love for this little girl. For a moment, I felt I was given a brief look at how the Lord sees me. He doesn't look at my chubby cheeks, my frizzy hair, the fact that my dress is two sized too big, or the fact that my dance is more of an interpretive rain dance that a graceful ballet. He sees a child free from criticism of herself or others, he sees a child in love with life, he sees a child with innocence, purity, excitement, and a total enjoyment of who she is.
He sees the same when He looks at you.
It brought me to tears. I wonder how anyone could ever hurt a small child. I began to think of the fact that so many little girls and little boys are raped, beaten, ignored, unloved, abandoned. How anyone could ever hurt such an innocent creature, how anyone could do anything but love this child with a parental passion.
It makes me realize even more how difficult it was for God to sacrifice His Son.
It makes me realize even more how much love God must have had for you and me to sacrifice His Son.
I had watched a movie tonight, some of you probably have seen it--it's pretty old but I'm not one to keep up with movies. Anyway, there's a scene (I posted below) that gives you some background on the main character's childhood. He was shuffled from foster home to foster home, beaten and abandoned time and time again. He's talking with a professor of therapy about his past, and his therapist begins to say time and time again,
It's not your fault.
These four words are so incredibly powerful. For anyone who has ever battled with physical or mental abuse, bullying, etc., these words can free you. For some reason I kept thinking of pornography. It's one of those things that the topic alone makes me feel sick. Anything and everything about it repulses me, and I don't understand why it's something that is still so prevalent in our society. Don't get me wrong, I understand this is a really powerful addiction and can control people beyond their will, but the entire beginning; I don't understand how it all started. Why someone would ever create this industry. Why anyone would ever want to get involved.
My heart breaks for those involved. For those that don't have a choice. For the children in sex slavery, for the child prostitutes, for the children forced to perform acts that are beyond what any child should ever have to even witness.
And by children, I don't just mean under 18. By children, I mean God's children. I mean any and all ages. Because no one should ever have to suffer that abuse. No one should ever have to live with the torment of being raped, beaten, used like an old rag. No one should ever have to feel like it was their fault for being mistreated.
I just want you all to think about who you were when you were younger. Go look through old photo albums, go watch old videos, find old journals, papers, drawings that you did, or if you have none of these, just think about who you were. What you liked, what you disliked. How you acted, what you experienced. Feel the love you have for that child. Tell that younger self what you want him or her to know. Give the love to that child that you know you need. And look at yourself in the mirror and realize that's how the Lord loves you, but so incredibly, unfathomably more.
For you who told me you thought you were too boring to be lovable, you are so wrong.
For you who told me you were to broken to be fixed, you are so wrong.
For you who told me you thought you needed to be skinny to be happy, you are so wrong.
For you who told me you needed your "admirable job" to be successful, you are so wrong.
For you who believes you need use your body to find love, you are so wrong.
For you who thought you deserved the rapes, beatings, bullying, rejection that you received, my darling you are so wrong.
It's not your fault.
It's not your fault.
It's not your fault.
Abuse, rape, porn, starvation....are all the products of "free will" Man kinds ability to choose. More specifically, the product of a "depraved free will."
ReplyDeleteWith that, our enemy loves to prey upon children in this manner. Sexual sin is a sin against the body. It affects the body unlike any other sin. Hormones and chemicals are released in the brain that taint a childs sexual upbringing. In the end, it robs them of a the proper sexual relationship god intended them to have.
Absolutely it is not their fault, however, i would also argue at some point in their lives they must choose to no longer be victims.
In the Movie you used as an example....In the end Matt Damon makes the choice to no longer allow his past to determine his future. He makes the decision to move on.
To many people are stuck blaming others for their circumstances. Granted many of those circumstances are tragic and disgusting. There comes a point when someone must choose to stop letting their past master them....and become the masters of their future.
As for your future: What do you love to do more than anything else....chase that. And what happened to "Surrender?"
Yeah I totally agree with you in the case of they must choose to no longer be a victim. I also strongly believe they cannot do that on their own; only through the grace of God will anyone ever be able to put the past in the past and be able to "choose" to move on. (Granted, I understand people that don't believe in God may think differently).
ReplyDeleteI did not intend this to mean "place the blame on someone else" but rather to have people, friends I know, incredible human beings, stop hurting themselves because they think the past defines them. They think what others have done to them is their fault, when it most definitely was not. I also agree they must be able to choose to move forward, but once again, I believe that freedom comes with God.
As for my future, there are so many things I love....but I don't know exactly what to do with it. Things like having a family, how do you chase that? Things like traveling to orphanages, bringing families together, not only fixing the present but being able to change and prevent future dangers to cease to exist....these things are a bit difficult to chase ;) I know it's a matter of narrowing my focus and just picking something, but I know it's that I'm afraid. I'm afraid of not liking it, of it not being "big enough", of it not being what I truly want. I suppose it's better than being undecided though. haha
Ahhh sweet surrender. Surrender not to the past by weakness, but surrendering to the grace of God for the present. I can't say I'm succeeding at surrender, but I sure am trying. I wish it were easier, you know? ;)