Breakups
Breakups are not fun.
I was convincing myself that I needed to sleep tonight and I would write this blog tomorrow, but alas, the wheels in my head were turning and sleep was not going to come until I wrote. Ah, the life of ideas.
It's weird how relationships work. I've noticed that I start out a relationship with my eyes on Christ, totally focused and ready. Excited and nervous, anxious and on guard, reading for any curve or disappointment that might come. I feel totally prepared and faithfully focused on the Lord.
Then somewhere along the way my focus shifts.
Somewhere along the way my eyes turn away, my attention shifts, I feel like I need to give more time to who I'm dating, thinking I need that extra space to give to them. The funny thing about that though, is that the extra time I "clear up" when stopping my time with the Lord is never filled up with treating the person I'm dating better, or working on myself to become more of what I think they want. Rather, in that space things creep in, things like disappointment, frustration, doubt, jealousy, uncertainty, self-blame, loss of excitement, and eventually the breakup.
So if you've read other blogs, I've noted I become really sad by failed relationships that aren't my own. I get this idea that two people are meant for each other, and anytime it doesn't work I'm heartbroken. Naturally, when it happens to me it really hits me harder than I think possible. Which is weird considering all the precautions I take going into a relationship, but I guess, being who I am, sometimes you just can't take enough precautions to change who you are at the core. One of the things I hate the most is when people say after a breakup is, "You'll be okay, just give it time." Honestly, I have made a purpose to never say that to anyone who is hurting, because I realize just how much time that takes, and sometimes time isn't even enough.
So after the "normal amount" of time that it should take to get over someone, I'll dye my hair. It's something that I wouldn't do straight away irrationally, but comes at a point when I realize I can't keep the pattern I've put myself in. Usually I'll do something subtle, enough for me to notice, but not drastic enough to be notable. Granted, not being experienced with hair dying, my subtleness doesn't always turn out ;)
After that point I won't let myself think about that person. Or listen to certain songs. Or do certain activities. Whatever it is that makes me think of them, I shut off that trigger, cutting off all sources. I had more than enough time to fight with it, and this is the point where I focus on total shutdown. No feeling, no allowing. After a long time of doing this, most of the time I can eventually make that shift permanent.
If you can honestly shut off the feeling portion permanently, then you can become friends again. For me, the categories end up being either becoming better friends than when you were dating, becoming friendly acquaintances but not back to normal, or becoming spacial friends: friends have large time periods of not talking, but are polite when running into them or in infrequent, short conversations.
The first person I dated I ended up breaking it off because I thought the Lord was calling me to do so. I really felt that it wasn't right, and SO MUCH wanted a sign to say that it was okay, that I should stick with it. But nothing came, and so I did what I thought was right. And it was one of the hardest things I have done. So I truly understand when people breakup for that reason, I can empathize, because if it's a genuine belief that the Lord is calling you to do so, then you've got to follow that. Now I understand that breakups are hard on both ends. So whoever says breaking up is easier is totally wrong. On the other hand, I've been on the other side, and whoever says waiting for someone to breakup with you is easier, is also totally wrong. Unless you're in this ideal world where "mutual" actually exists, you're probably going to be affected. Because either way, the reason you date someone is you see something special in them and were *hopefully* friends first. That's the problem about dating, sometimes you lose not only a boy/girlfriend, but you risk losing a good friend.
For the first time, without being in a typical relationship, I've felt like I've lost focus with God. I've become so focused on my life, myself, my, my, my...me, me, me. I haven't made the effort to have the types of relationships at school like I know I could because I think, "What's the point? I'm here for so short, I have to figure out my life, I have to find a job, I have to get into school, I have to make decisions...I, I, I." Anyone else sound like this?
I've been lying here thinking of a family member that I know is very unhappy. For a very long time, she's been alone and angry. She has lived a hard life, and I'm not convinced she knows Christ. I lie here and wonder why in the world I wouldn't spend every waking moment sharing Christ with her. Why am I not fighting for her to know of God's love, of Christ's forgiveness? If I truly believed in Him, why would I not do everything I possibly could to give her the opportunity to find happiness and ultimately life in Christ?
I have always felt that the 'indirect' approach to sharing Christ was appropriate. I still believe that going up to someone and telling them, "They're going to hell" is not only inappropriate, but completely irrational. I have no idea or say on where people go, I don't know what's going on in their hearts, and I certainly have no authority to judge where someone is going. I stand by this. I also realize though, and it's becoming more evident to me, that if my faith was as passionate as it should be, I would be spending every moment less focused on how to "not offend" and more time on fighting for the love I want everyone to have. Sometimes I fear that I will turn off people by this, because I myself, as a Christian, am turned off by people telling me they need to "save me." Honestly buddy, you're not going to save me. Christ will save me. Christ will plant the seed. Christ will water me. Christ will make me grow. You may be a tool of Christ, but He will save me, not you my dear.
Nonetheless, I believe we are called to share that love. I think of what Jesus would do when I feel that what I have to say might come off as radical. I don't want to be looked upon by strangers, friends, family, as irrational. As strange. As not normal. But then I remember Jesus was looked upon as unusual. Why do I then, give myself so much pressure into what people think? Why do I spend so much time trying to be normal?
God did not say, "Thou shall be normal," He said, "Thou shall love the Lord your God with all your heart." So what does that look like?
Breaking up with yourself.
My focus has shifted, and it's time I break up with myself. I've struggled with trying to fix myself. Trying to please myself. Trying to change myself to fit my own standards. And I have failed. I can't even live up to my own expectations, because I expect perfection. And being human, I will never be perfect. I've mourned this. I've realized that breaking up with myself will probably be the hardest break up I have to endure, because it means denying myself. It means letting go of selfishness. It means putting others first. It means, above all, putting Christ first. And that's hard, putting yourself second.
So I've decided it's time to dye my hair. It will come. I've thought about it, and that phase is necessary. My whole life I know I will struggle with this breakup, but I believe that I will become stronger because of it.
I encourage you to think about this. I encourage you to think about what it would be like to break up with yourself. Think about what that means with your other relationships. Think about what that means when you see strangers. Think about that when you're walking down the street right past the homeless man asking for help. Think about that when you watch the news knowing donations are needed for the Philippines relief. Think about that next time you want to buy a new game instead of use that money to feed a family. Think about that when you're with a family member who wants something you'd like as well.
Now I'm going to take that one step further, I want to be bold.
I want you to break up with yourself.
You can downright refuse me, or you can join me. It'll be a struggle no doubt. You will fall, I will fall. I will fail, you will fail.
Christ will be there the whole time.
Breakups are hard, but dating Christ will be the one relationship worth the pain it took to keep it strong.
I encourage you to turn your eyes to Christ. Keep your focus on Christ.
It won't be easy, but it will be worth it.
I was convincing myself that I needed to sleep tonight and I would write this blog tomorrow, but alas, the wheels in my head were turning and sleep was not going to come until I wrote. Ah, the life of ideas.
It's weird how relationships work. I've noticed that I start out a relationship with my eyes on Christ, totally focused and ready. Excited and nervous, anxious and on guard, reading for any curve or disappointment that might come. I feel totally prepared and faithfully focused on the Lord.
Then somewhere along the way my focus shifts.
Somewhere along the way my eyes turn away, my attention shifts, I feel like I need to give more time to who I'm dating, thinking I need that extra space to give to them. The funny thing about that though, is that the extra time I "clear up" when stopping my time with the Lord is never filled up with treating the person I'm dating better, or working on myself to become more of what I think they want. Rather, in that space things creep in, things like disappointment, frustration, doubt, jealousy, uncertainty, self-blame, loss of excitement, and eventually the breakup.
So if you've read other blogs, I've noted I become really sad by failed relationships that aren't my own. I get this idea that two people are meant for each other, and anytime it doesn't work I'm heartbroken. Naturally, when it happens to me it really hits me harder than I think possible. Which is weird considering all the precautions I take going into a relationship, but I guess, being who I am, sometimes you just can't take enough precautions to change who you are at the core. One of the things I hate the most is when people say after a breakup is, "You'll be okay, just give it time." Honestly, I have made a purpose to never say that to anyone who is hurting, because I realize just how much time that takes, and sometimes time isn't even enough.
So after the "normal amount" of time that it should take to get over someone, I'll dye my hair. It's something that I wouldn't do straight away irrationally, but comes at a point when I realize I can't keep the pattern I've put myself in. Usually I'll do something subtle, enough for me to notice, but not drastic enough to be notable. Granted, not being experienced with hair dying, my subtleness doesn't always turn out ;)
After that point I won't let myself think about that person. Or listen to certain songs. Or do certain activities. Whatever it is that makes me think of them, I shut off that trigger, cutting off all sources. I had more than enough time to fight with it, and this is the point where I focus on total shutdown. No feeling, no allowing. After a long time of doing this, most of the time I can eventually make that shift permanent.
If you can honestly shut off the feeling portion permanently, then you can become friends again. For me, the categories end up being either becoming better friends than when you were dating, becoming friendly acquaintances but not back to normal, or becoming spacial friends: friends have large time periods of not talking, but are polite when running into them or in infrequent, short conversations.
The first person I dated I ended up breaking it off because I thought the Lord was calling me to do so. I really felt that it wasn't right, and SO MUCH wanted a sign to say that it was okay, that I should stick with it. But nothing came, and so I did what I thought was right. And it was one of the hardest things I have done. So I truly understand when people breakup for that reason, I can empathize, because if it's a genuine belief that the Lord is calling you to do so, then you've got to follow that. Now I understand that breakups are hard on both ends. So whoever says breaking up is easier is totally wrong. On the other hand, I've been on the other side, and whoever says waiting for someone to breakup with you is easier, is also totally wrong. Unless you're in this ideal world where "mutual" actually exists, you're probably going to be affected. Because either way, the reason you date someone is you see something special in them and were *hopefully* friends first. That's the problem about dating, sometimes you lose not only a boy/girlfriend, but you risk losing a good friend.
For the first time, without being in a typical relationship, I've felt like I've lost focus with God. I've become so focused on my life, myself, my, my, my...me, me, me. I haven't made the effort to have the types of relationships at school like I know I could because I think, "What's the point? I'm here for so short, I have to figure out my life, I have to find a job, I have to get into school, I have to make decisions...I, I, I." Anyone else sound like this?
I've been lying here thinking of a family member that I know is very unhappy. For a very long time, she's been alone and angry. She has lived a hard life, and I'm not convinced she knows Christ. I lie here and wonder why in the world I wouldn't spend every waking moment sharing Christ with her. Why am I not fighting for her to know of God's love, of Christ's forgiveness? If I truly believed in Him, why would I not do everything I possibly could to give her the opportunity to find happiness and ultimately life in Christ?
I have always felt that the 'indirect' approach to sharing Christ was appropriate. I still believe that going up to someone and telling them, "They're going to hell" is not only inappropriate, but completely irrational. I have no idea or say on where people go, I don't know what's going on in their hearts, and I certainly have no authority to judge where someone is going. I stand by this. I also realize though, and it's becoming more evident to me, that if my faith was as passionate as it should be, I would be spending every moment less focused on how to "not offend" and more time on fighting for the love I want everyone to have. Sometimes I fear that I will turn off people by this, because I myself, as a Christian, am turned off by people telling me they need to "save me." Honestly buddy, you're not going to save me. Christ will save me. Christ will plant the seed. Christ will water me. Christ will make me grow. You may be a tool of Christ, but He will save me, not you my dear.
Nonetheless, I believe we are called to share that love. I think of what Jesus would do when I feel that what I have to say might come off as radical. I don't want to be looked upon by strangers, friends, family, as irrational. As strange. As not normal. But then I remember Jesus was looked upon as unusual. Why do I then, give myself so much pressure into what people think? Why do I spend so much time trying to be normal?
God did not say, "Thou shall be normal," He said, "Thou shall love the Lord your God with all your heart." So what does that look like?
Breaking up with yourself.
My focus has shifted, and it's time I break up with myself. I've struggled with trying to fix myself. Trying to please myself. Trying to change myself to fit my own standards. And I have failed. I can't even live up to my own expectations, because I expect perfection. And being human, I will never be perfect. I've mourned this. I've realized that breaking up with myself will probably be the hardest break up I have to endure, because it means denying myself. It means letting go of selfishness. It means putting others first. It means, above all, putting Christ first. And that's hard, putting yourself second.
So I've decided it's time to dye my hair. It will come. I've thought about it, and that phase is necessary. My whole life I know I will struggle with this breakup, but I believe that I will become stronger because of it.
I encourage you to think about this. I encourage you to think about what it would be like to break up with yourself. Think about what that means with your other relationships. Think about what that means when you see strangers. Think about that when you're walking down the street right past the homeless man asking for help. Think about that when you watch the news knowing donations are needed for the Philippines relief. Think about that next time you want to buy a new game instead of use that money to feed a family. Think about that when you're with a family member who wants something you'd like as well.
Now I'm going to take that one step further, I want to be bold.
I want you to break up with yourself.
You can downright refuse me, or you can join me. It'll be a struggle no doubt. You will fall, I will fall. I will fail, you will fail.
Christ will be there the whole time.
Breakups are hard, but dating Christ will be the one relationship worth the pain it took to keep it strong.
I encourage you to turn your eyes to Christ. Keep your focus on Christ.
It won't be easy, but it will be worth it.
Comments
Post a Comment