What are you running from?

"I saw the Runner far away in the distance, moving rapidly against the horizon.  His run was neither furious nor agonized.  Yet he seemed to have a goal, for his movement was resolute, vigorous, and confident.  Watching him as he ran, I was touched by the effort that he made.  I was also somewhat ill at ease within myself: The running figure inexplicably seemed to make a demand upon me.  I felt intuitively that he wanted me to run with him, try to match his pace, and share in some measure both the demand and the fulfillment of the race.  However, I succumbed to insecurity and fear.  Shielding my eyes, I turned away and moved swiftly in the opposite direction.  Now I knew that I was also a runner. 

I ran alone."           [-The Runner]

Have you ever felt that you're running alone?  That the race you've set before you is desolate, nothing ahead of you, nothing behind, yet you run.  You run to escape whatever you left behind, you run to reach whatever is ahead.  But I must ask: 

How long do you run before you forget what you're running from?  How long do you run before you forget what your running toward?  How long do you run before you feel alone?

I think in some point in our life, we make the run.  We may run to avoid pain, we may run so we don't have to face what we're afraid of, or maybe we run because we don't know what else to do. 

One of the biggest things that has been on my heart lately is realizing we are all running.  We are all in this together, and even though sometimes we may feel so alone, we are not.  Looking back at the past four years of college, I am torn between loving and hating these times.  So much has happened in such a short time, so many good times, so many difficult times.  Through it all, what sticks out the most is the conversations I've had with my friends, classmates, and community.  It has made me realize that although we all put on a face for the public, each of us is searching for something more.  Each one of us is struggling with something, is missing someone, is hurting and hiding from the world.  Through this, we connect. 

One of the main struggles I have noticed is a lot more common than I realized, between both men and woman, is eating disorders.  An unhealthy relationship with food, but it's so much more than that.  A need for acceptance in a demanding world.  A hope that when all else comes spiraling down in life, there is something we can control, fix, rely on.  Above all, a lie.

"An eating disorder is at the most basic level, a bundle of deadly contradictions: a desire for power that strips you of all power.  A gesture of strength that divests you of all strength.  A wish to prove that you need nothing, that you have no human hungers, which turns on itself and becomes a searing need for the hunger itself.  It is an attempt to find an identity, but ultimately it strips you of any sense of yourself, save the sorry identity of "sick."  It is a grotesque mockery of cultural standards of beauty that winds up mocking no one more than you.  It is a protest against cultural stereotypes of women that in the end make you seem the weakest, the most needy and neurotic of all women.  It is the thing you believe is keeping you safe, alive, contained--and in the end, of course, you find it's doing quite the opposite.


In truth, you like the pain.  You like it because you believe you deserve it, and the fact that you're putting yourself through pain means you are doing what you, by all rights, ought to do.  You're doing something right.  It's hard to describe how these two things can take place in the same mind [...] The misconception that eating disorders are a medical disease in the traditional sense is not helpful here.  A pill will not fix it, ditto therapy, ditto food.  You fix it yourself.  It is the hardest thing that I have ever done, and I found myself stronger for doing it.  Much stronger.

Never, never underestimate the power of desire."  [Wasted]

I thought this was a great explanation of the thought process of this.  But even more so, this applies to more than just an eating disorder; this applies to life.  Humans are amazing creatures, but what's more amazing is the amount of strength we hold within ourselves.  Strength not earned, not accumulated, not deserved, but freely given.  An inner power that drives us to achieve feats we once thought impossible, to face things that seem unfaceable, to love despite our circumstances.

Never, never underestimate the power of desire.

There was a prayer of thanks that was not put in our Sunday graduation service, but I wrote it because it is truly something that helped me get through my hardest times in these past four years.  I am thankful for the unnamed friend who taught me that strength comes in admitting weaknesses, that vulnerability can be beautiful, and that value should not be found in your successes and failures, but rather find your worth in God, for only then will you discover unconditional acceptance, overwhelming peace, and genuine love.

We are all writing our stories.  Whether graduated or not, each day we are unfolding our own reality, learning to tap into our desires, finding our worth, discovering our dreams.  My wish for you is this:

I hope you realize you are not alone. 

I hope you reach out to others.

I hope you get outside your comfort zone and give in love.

I hope you learn connect with all types of people.

I hope you continue to listen.

I hope you continue to learn.

"I no longer ran alone, aimlessly, without a goal or purpose.  No longer did I run compulsively, even sometimes sadly, merely because there seemed to be nothing else to do.  I ran with joy and enthusiasm.  Because my commitment was to the Runner and the community that gathered around him I introduced other people to the Runner and his life.  I did not have to run self-righteously.  My very involvement could be found at its deepest levels in the Runner's own purpose.  I became a runner now, too, with others who were lost, alone, and in need."

 Use this life you were given, and run with purpose.  Our Runner will be waiting for us at the finish line, arms open, smiling proudly as we finish our race.