Aches of life
I have a stomach ache.
This is nothing new, I get them a lot. I've had them sporadically within the last 3 1/2 years of college, but it's been intensified since last summer. I get them frequently, sometimes staying up all night because I can't lie down. I've had consultations with a couple doctors on possible causes of this, probably certain foods or anxiety or sugar free products. I've changed my diet slightly, moderating it when I feel I can, but not a lot has improved. I still have the option of getting an examination, but the thought of being put under freaks me out, so I'm convincing myself I can just keep altering foods until I find out a schedule that works. Maybe not the best choice, but I think I can just keep changing until I find a way where it goes away.
Since Friday it's intensified. It's day 8 since my stomach ache came on, and it hasn't gone away yet. I've been trying to keep a normal food routine, eating even when I'm not hungry because I thought a sense of normalcy would eventually get rid of it. Not my best idea. I don't know if you've ever had something that's lasted longer than you wanted, and you get to the point where you just want it to go away. You realize you just want to feel normal again. It makes me aware of how many blessing we have that we take advantage of. Just going through the day without a stomach ache is a joy to me, something that we sometimes take for granted.
I get frustrated with myself a lot for this. If only I hadn't eating this type of food, or if only I hadn't eaten so much I wouldn't be suffering. Then I get frustrated with God, wondering why some days it seems like I have strength and other days I wish He would give me more. But that's silly, because I believe it still comes down to my choices; I choose to eat or not eat certain things, and as a result, I either do or do not suffer the consequences.
Either way, I'm frustrated. I wonder why we have to go through difficulties in our lives, wishing there was a way we could avoid them. Even if we can't avoid, I wonder why sometimes our prayers seem like they aren't heard. Then I start to become afraid. Have you ever felt like you lost control of a situation, and you fear that it will never go away? What if things never get better? What if I'm stuck like this/with this problem, issue, etc. for the rest of my life? How will I get through this?
So, as I sit here, frustrated with myself, stomach ache in action, frustrated that I'm still struggling, I come across this:
"Jesus could have calmed your storm long ago too. But he hasn't. Does he also want to teach you a lesson? Could that lesson read something like this: "Storms are not an option, but fear is?"
Fear.
Fear makes us do crazy things.
Fear makes us feel crazy things.
Fear makes us believe crazy things.
Driven by fear, we are driven to destruction.
I have a lot of regulars come into the coffee shop when I'm working. Each of them with their own unique story, each living their own lives, each with their own fears. I am thinking of one man in particular, an older man who comes in here regularly. I don't know much about him or his life, but I sense that he craves attention, is yearning for love, is fearful of not being needed. I could be wrong, but through the interactions I've had with him, I can tell he has a heart of gold and is yearning to be loved, and to give the love he has through his children (or grandchildren, I'm not sure). I just feel so sad for him, no other reason than I believe him to be lonely.
Aren't we all?
I think each of us go through a point in our life where we feel so alone. In the middle of a crowded room, never more alone. Separated from others through our insecurities. Driven to withdraw by our shame. Stopped from pursuing deeper relationships by our fear.
"If only we could order life the way we order gourmet coffee. 'Give me a tall, extra-hot cup of adventure, cut the dangers, with two shots of good health.' 'I'll have a pleasure mocha with extra stirrings of indulgence. Make sure it's consequence free.' 'I'll go with a grande happy-latte, with a dollop of love, sprinkled with Caribbean retirement.'"
Life doesn't work that way. And guess what? That's okay. I've been thinking a lot about graduating, what that means, what's to come. I've been thinking about the friendships I hope to keep, the ones I'm not sure will survive, and the ones that I can't live without. Funny enough, I came across this as I'm writing:
"God never sends you out alone. Are you on the eve of change? Do you find yourself looking into a new chapter? Is the foliage of your world showing signs of a new season? Heaven's message for you is clear: when everything else changes, God's presence never does. So make friends with whatever's next. Embrace it. Accept it. Don't resist it. Change is not only a part of life; change is a necessary part of God's strategy. To use us to change the world, he alters our assignments.
Eternal glory. I'd like a large cup, please. 'One venti-sized serving of endless joy in the presence of God. Go heavy on the wonder, and cut all the heartache." Go ahead and request it. The Barista is still brewing. For all you know, it could be the next cup you drink.'"
So as I struggle with my stomach ache, as we struggle with our fears, as as we pray to not be alone, we find strength in the God who gives. In the God who peserveres. In the God who loves. I go back and forth, relieved that the years of struggling in college are done, yet terrified of the thought that I may not be able to connect with some of the wonderful people I met again. Sillyness, all of it. For where we are afraid, God is there to calm us.
""Courage does not panic; it prays. Courage does not bemoan; it believes. Courage does not languish; it listens."
Amen to that.
This is nothing new, I get them a lot. I've had them sporadically within the last 3 1/2 years of college, but it's been intensified since last summer. I get them frequently, sometimes staying up all night because I can't lie down. I've had consultations with a couple doctors on possible causes of this, probably certain foods or anxiety or sugar free products. I've changed my diet slightly, moderating it when I feel I can, but not a lot has improved. I still have the option of getting an examination, but the thought of being put under freaks me out, so I'm convincing myself I can just keep altering foods until I find out a schedule that works. Maybe not the best choice, but I think I can just keep changing until I find a way where it goes away.
Since Friday it's intensified. It's day 8 since my stomach ache came on, and it hasn't gone away yet. I've been trying to keep a normal food routine, eating even when I'm not hungry because I thought a sense of normalcy would eventually get rid of it. Not my best idea. I don't know if you've ever had something that's lasted longer than you wanted, and you get to the point where you just want it to go away. You realize you just want to feel normal again. It makes me aware of how many blessing we have that we take advantage of. Just going through the day without a stomach ache is a joy to me, something that we sometimes take for granted.
I get frustrated with myself a lot for this. If only I hadn't eating this type of food, or if only I hadn't eaten so much I wouldn't be suffering. Then I get frustrated with God, wondering why some days it seems like I have strength and other days I wish He would give me more. But that's silly, because I believe it still comes down to my choices; I choose to eat or not eat certain things, and as a result, I either do or do not suffer the consequences.
Either way, I'm frustrated. I wonder why we have to go through difficulties in our lives, wishing there was a way we could avoid them. Even if we can't avoid, I wonder why sometimes our prayers seem like they aren't heard. Then I start to become afraid. Have you ever felt like you lost control of a situation, and you fear that it will never go away? What if things never get better? What if I'm stuck like this/with this problem, issue, etc. for the rest of my life? How will I get through this?
So, as I sit here, frustrated with myself, stomach ache in action, frustrated that I'm still struggling, I come across this:
"Jesus could have calmed your storm long ago too. But he hasn't. Does he also want to teach you a lesson? Could that lesson read something like this: "Storms are not an option, but fear is?"
Fear.
Fear makes us do crazy things.
Fear makes us feel crazy things.
Fear makes us believe crazy things.
Driven by fear, we are driven to destruction.
I have a lot of regulars come into the coffee shop when I'm working. Each of them with their own unique story, each living their own lives, each with their own fears. I am thinking of one man in particular, an older man who comes in here regularly. I don't know much about him or his life, but I sense that he craves attention, is yearning for love, is fearful of not being needed. I could be wrong, but through the interactions I've had with him, I can tell he has a heart of gold and is yearning to be loved, and to give the love he has through his children (or grandchildren, I'm not sure). I just feel so sad for him, no other reason than I believe him to be lonely.
Aren't we all?
I think each of us go through a point in our life where we feel so alone. In the middle of a crowded room, never more alone. Separated from others through our insecurities. Driven to withdraw by our shame. Stopped from pursuing deeper relationships by our fear.
"If only we could order life the way we order gourmet coffee. 'Give me a tall, extra-hot cup of adventure, cut the dangers, with two shots of good health.' 'I'll have a pleasure mocha with extra stirrings of indulgence. Make sure it's consequence free.' 'I'll go with a grande happy-latte, with a dollop of love, sprinkled with Caribbean retirement.'"
Life doesn't work that way. And guess what? That's okay. I've been thinking a lot about graduating, what that means, what's to come. I've been thinking about the friendships I hope to keep, the ones I'm not sure will survive, and the ones that I can't live without. Funny enough, I came across this as I'm writing:
"God never sends you out alone. Are you on the eve of change? Do you find yourself looking into a new chapter? Is the foliage of your world showing signs of a new season? Heaven's message for you is clear: when everything else changes, God's presence never does. So make friends with whatever's next. Embrace it. Accept it. Don't resist it. Change is not only a part of life; change is a necessary part of God's strategy. To use us to change the world, he alters our assignments.
Eternal glory. I'd like a large cup, please. 'One venti-sized serving of endless joy in the presence of God. Go heavy on the wonder, and cut all the heartache." Go ahead and request it. The Barista is still brewing. For all you know, it could be the next cup you drink.'"
So as I struggle with my stomach ache, as we struggle with our fears, as as we pray to not be alone, we find strength in the God who gives. In the God who peserveres. In the God who loves. I go back and forth, relieved that the years of struggling in college are done, yet terrified of the thought that I may not be able to connect with some of the wonderful people I met again. Sillyness, all of it. For where we are afraid, God is there to calm us.
""Courage does not panic; it prays. Courage does not bemoan; it believes. Courage does not languish; it listens."
Amen to that.
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