Closet Talk

Do you ever feel like life is just a whirlwind?  Memories that happened just yesterday suddenly become memories from years past.  People you just met suddenly have been in your life for longer than you realize.  The faces around you change--though some stay the same, some of your once closest friends drift off into memories past.  Both heartbreaking and beautiful, you continue to move on with life, trying your best to step forward when you don't know what kind of ground you're stepping on.  There are moments that you remind yourself we're all walking on minefields, just praying that you'll be able to keep walking.  

I spend a lot of time in my closet tonight (frankly, I'm still here).  It's where I think -- weird as it is, many times the small space and the reality I'm faced with presents itself within these four walls.  I turned on some Christmas music, as it always brings me comfort.  Harry Potter is playing in the other room and the tv is on in the next...filling this apartment with sounds of familiar voices, making the space feel as if it's filled with friends.  Sometimes living alone is rather lonely.  As I listened to the music, I started to really realize just how much my understanding of religion and my relationship with Christ as changed.

It's been really hard to watch what's been going on with the government.  I'm not going to get in the politics of it, as I've realized many people are so adamant in their stance that discussion seems less about open ears and more about screaming voices.  So I sit in my closet, away from the noise of the world but well exposed to the thoughts of my mind.

I've always had a rather adamant belief in Christ, but have never felt that the typical grouping of Christianity has embodied my own understanding.  It breaks my heart that this term has become almost a dirty word, something that is said with disgust or assumes a mass organization of racist, homophobic, single minded, science denying hypocrites.  Within my own searchings of the bible, I have been unable to determine a fully accurate description of Christians other than this: To love the Lord with all one's heart, mind, and soul, and to love thy neighbor as thyself.  Both pretty clear commandments, but also both rather difficult.  The downfall of humanity is in that we cannot seem to fully understand one another, we all have our own priorities we put above others, and we all struggle to understand what it means to love God fully and completely.  

This Christmas I felt so disconnected from the story.  I used to relish in the beauty of the nativity...to feel surrounded by it's love.  It's something I've struggled with my whole life, but it felt even more present this year.  I've been frustrated with the definition society has created for "the modern Christian" and in such, have felt as if I lost my identity.  It's something that can't fully be explained, but it is felt so strongly in the depth of one's soul.  Don't get me wrong, this past Christmas was incredible, more than I could have imagined, but I have found throughout these past few years that though life can be so inexplicable sometimes, there are moments when you desire that security - the security in knowing that there's someone watching out for you.  

I've never doubted there's a God - that proof is too far evident in my life, both at large and personally. I do, however, doubt myself in the eyes of God.  I doubt my faith, I doubt my understanding, and I doubt my actions.  I think we all do, regardless of faith stance.  I have, however, found some freedom in knowing that it's okay not to have it all together.  Even more so, I have found that there are people that will tell you you're doing it wrong, that you're not understanding, that you're not a Christian because of what you've done/what you believe or don't, but I don't think it's about that.  I can't help but believe that we have a God bigger than the love we can fathom.  A God who really DOES care about who we are and what we do, and in that, can understand and empathize with who we are and what we do.  There are times in life when we don't understand, when we feel so distance from our beginning, but there is beauty in these times.  These are the times we grow, we make mistakes, we fall, and we get up and do it all over again.  These are the times when we keep climbing the mountain, though we feel like we're not getting anywhere.  These are the times when we find humanity in our daily life.  

Many have said, myself included, that looking up is the answer.  It wasn't until rather recently that I started really understanding what it meant to look around.  To see God in daily life - in the rising sun, in the melody on the radio, in the eyes of the homeless women on the train, in the weary eyes of a classmate, in the frustrated murmurs of the man in line behind us.  God is present everywhere, and when we start to wake up to that realization, we can begin to understand what His presence means.  We can finally act as Jesus did, in light, in love, in forgiveness, and in joy.  

So when life feels like a whirlwind, we can sit in our closet and in turn, find ways to open our hearts to forgive ourselves for our short fallings and to open our hearts to the message of love.