Unglamorous Darkness
Everyone talks about the superficial things they struggle with, things that are difficult or annoying, but that really aren't that bad. Bad habits like perpetually being late, procrastinating, taking little more than they need - things that aren't good but have been accepted in this society as not out of the ordinary. People talk about these things because they are issues, yes, but also because they're so relatable. That familiarity, that understanding, it makes it so much easier to talk about.
But what about the things we don't talk about? What about the struggles that are so unglamorous?
Selfishness, depression, stubbornness, anger, guilt....these are the topics no one wants to talk about, because they're so ugly.
The thing about selfishness, is once you discover it's there, you don't care. You want what you want and you don't care about anyone else. It's a fault that is all consuming, suffocating self from any kind of freedom. As it grows stronger, stubbornness and anger become less like colleagues and more like friends. Anger is born from the battle of others and self; anger becomes it's own consuming fire of resistance - resistance from help, resistance to change, resistance to complacency (which ironically is a result), resistance to any and everything, whether good or bad. Selfishness looks in the mirror and mocks at all the ways you fall short, tells you all the things you need to change. It tells you how little you are worth, how you need to make yourself suffer to be worthy of anything tangible. Selfishness is the dark vines that crawl up your body, squeezing any life you may have - reminding you that everyone would be happier and better without you. Selfishness presents you with the idea that only perfection would bring happiness, and since you fall short every time, you are worth no more than dust.
The best friend of selfishness is stubbornness. Selfishness tells you that you'll never change, and stubbornness won't let you think any other way. Its grip on you is clenched so tight that you refuse to admit that anyone would have the key to break these chains. Your desire to recover is stomped on by your stubbornness of unbelief. No matter what good comes into your life, your stubbornness reminds you that they'll never grab hold of you as tightly as you are held now.
Depression follows. When self destruction is born, depression grows. It feeds of your desire to curl up in a ball and forget about everything. It emanates throughout your life, crawling into even the happiest parts of yourself to remind you that happiness is fleeting, but darkness is impending. It separates you, stops you, paralyzes you from answering to anyone. From finding the energy to respond to a friend, to proactively work toward putting selfishness behind you. From finding any will or desire to change.
Anger quickly blooms from depression. Anger at those trying to help because they just don't know what it really feels like, don't understand what it really means. Anger wants to hurt and hit and throw and push away everyone. Anger sees the struggle and wants to heighten it so that no one dares touch it. Anger destroys. Anger seeks pain. Anger floods the veins and pulses with fury at anyone who has the audacity to challenge it.
After anger, comes guilt. Guilt for all the pain and destruction. Guilt for the imperfections. Guilt for sucking the life out of everything good and pure. Guilt for losing those we love. Guilt for the lost conversations, the wasted time, the damaged souls of self and others that selfishness, stubbornness, depression, and anger created. Guilt for the ironic destruction that guilt itself creates. And so the quintet creates a self created monster.
The only way to destroy the monster is to choose to. Nothing else will ever work. Food, drugs, cutting, talking, therapy, exercise, withdrawal, submersion....nothing will ever work. The only ultimate tool of destruction is choice.
Choice brings freedom but is one of the hardest things to come to terms to. It's one of the harvests truths to hear, and even harder to admit to self. This internal battle will cease to exist with a solitary weapon:
One has to choose it.
But what about the things we don't talk about? What about the struggles that are so unglamorous?
Selfishness, depression, stubbornness, anger, guilt....these are the topics no one wants to talk about, because they're so ugly.
The thing about selfishness, is once you discover it's there, you don't care. You want what you want and you don't care about anyone else. It's a fault that is all consuming, suffocating self from any kind of freedom. As it grows stronger, stubbornness and anger become less like colleagues and more like friends. Anger is born from the battle of others and self; anger becomes it's own consuming fire of resistance - resistance from help, resistance to change, resistance to complacency (which ironically is a result), resistance to any and everything, whether good or bad. Selfishness looks in the mirror and mocks at all the ways you fall short, tells you all the things you need to change. It tells you how little you are worth, how you need to make yourself suffer to be worthy of anything tangible. Selfishness is the dark vines that crawl up your body, squeezing any life you may have - reminding you that everyone would be happier and better without you. Selfishness presents you with the idea that only perfection would bring happiness, and since you fall short every time, you are worth no more than dust.
The best friend of selfishness is stubbornness. Selfishness tells you that you'll never change, and stubbornness won't let you think any other way. Its grip on you is clenched so tight that you refuse to admit that anyone would have the key to break these chains. Your desire to recover is stomped on by your stubbornness of unbelief. No matter what good comes into your life, your stubbornness reminds you that they'll never grab hold of you as tightly as you are held now.
Depression follows. When self destruction is born, depression grows. It feeds of your desire to curl up in a ball and forget about everything. It emanates throughout your life, crawling into even the happiest parts of yourself to remind you that happiness is fleeting, but darkness is impending. It separates you, stops you, paralyzes you from answering to anyone. From finding the energy to respond to a friend, to proactively work toward putting selfishness behind you. From finding any will or desire to change.
Anger quickly blooms from depression. Anger at those trying to help because they just don't know what it really feels like, don't understand what it really means. Anger wants to hurt and hit and throw and push away everyone. Anger sees the struggle and wants to heighten it so that no one dares touch it. Anger destroys. Anger seeks pain. Anger floods the veins and pulses with fury at anyone who has the audacity to challenge it.
After anger, comes guilt. Guilt for all the pain and destruction. Guilt for the imperfections. Guilt for sucking the life out of everything good and pure. Guilt for losing those we love. Guilt for the lost conversations, the wasted time, the damaged souls of self and others that selfishness, stubbornness, depression, and anger created. Guilt for the ironic destruction that guilt itself creates. And so the quintet creates a self created monster.
The only way to destroy the monster is to choose to. Nothing else will ever work. Food, drugs, cutting, talking, therapy, exercise, withdrawal, submersion....nothing will ever work. The only ultimate tool of destruction is choice.
Choice brings freedom but is one of the hardest things to come to terms to. It's one of the harvests truths to hear, and even harder to admit to self. This internal battle will cease to exist with a solitary weapon:
One has to choose it.
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