Buddy
"I don't want to live in fear
I want to trust that you are near
Trust your grace can be seen in both triumph and tragedy
But sometimes my faith feels thin
Like the night will never end
Will you catch every tear
Or will you just leave me here"
It's weird how life changes so much. One moment your small, dancing around in a little sundress, surrounded by loved ones of all ages. Suddenly you're growing up and your loved ones get older and start slowing down. Impossible, you think. These people are invincible, they cannot be stopped. Life keeps rolling by and you become lost in the midst of it...somehow days are racing by and you get so wrapped up in your own growth and plans. Everyone around you is a whirlwind of stopping in your life for a loving hello and a quick update before passing along their way. You enjoy the moments with them, but then you are quick to move on because you know you'll see them again down the road. Then moments come when you find out you'll never see them again.
And everything stops.
Suddenly you're frozen in time and instead of the whirlwind of the future consuming your attention, you become absorbed in watching the video of your past. You see all the lovely times you've had with people you love, you see all the sad times you both went through. You see all the times you celebrated life and you see all the times you fell short, wishing you would have spent a little more time, shown a little more love, done a little more something to ensure they knew they were loved.
It's times like these you realize life is so, so, so short and every struggle you have, every time you hold back, it's all meaningless.
Last Sunday the priest at a church I went to talked about how short life is, and how you should always live because before you know it, it's over. Like Thoreau once alluded: don't live just to survive, live to thrive.
As I sit here, I think of the mischievous twinkle you always had in your eye as if you had a little secret to life you were waiting for others to discover. Every time I saw you and asked how you were, the first thing you would say was, "Today's another day I get to live, how could I not be happy? It's a beautiful day to be alive."
Sometimes the sadness I feel at losing you feels overwhelming, as if just one more moment to talk with you would be enough. Just one more time to hear your voice, one more moment to tell you I love you, one more second to say goodbye.
Sometimes I feel at peace knowing you have joined your family, you have finally gone home. All the heartache you endured in this lifetime - it's unfathomable and remarkable how beautiful you lived your life despite of all the loss you had to endure - losses no person should ever have to endure.
Sometimes I feel jealousy. Jealousy that you're home now, that you're with the Savior, that you now have found the ultimate love and have found true answers.
Sometimes when I wonder if this life is completely pointless, when I wonder why we have to live only to die, I pray that I'm at least doing something right. I pray for forgiveness for my ignorance, for my faults and failings, for my doubts. Most of all, I pray for forgiveness of my questions, which most often lead me to gray areas. I guess that's where faith comes in, because without it, we truly are lost into the abyss.
So my hope for you, for me, for all of us, is that someday we are joined together in love. That the promise of redemption is one of love, ultimate forgiveness, and genuine inclusion. A promise that says, "I am with you, always."
"I have this hope
In the depth of my soul
In the flood or the fire
You're with me and you won't let go"
I want to trust that you are near
Trust your grace can be seen in both triumph and tragedy
But sometimes my faith feels thin
Like the night will never end
Will you catch every tear
Or will you just leave me here"
It's weird how life changes so much. One moment your small, dancing around in a little sundress, surrounded by loved ones of all ages. Suddenly you're growing up and your loved ones get older and start slowing down. Impossible, you think. These people are invincible, they cannot be stopped. Life keeps rolling by and you become lost in the midst of it...somehow days are racing by and you get so wrapped up in your own growth and plans. Everyone around you is a whirlwind of stopping in your life for a loving hello and a quick update before passing along their way. You enjoy the moments with them, but then you are quick to move on because you know you'll see them again down the road. Then moments come when you find out you'll never see them again.
And everything stops.
Suddenly you're frozen in time and instead of the whirlwind of the future consuming your attention, you become absorbed in watching the video of your past. You see all the lovely times you've had with people you love, you see all the sad times you both went through. You see all the times you celebrated life and you see all the times you fell short, wishing you would have spent a little more time, shown a little more love, done a little more something to ensure they knew they were loved.
It's times like these you realize life is so, so, so short and every struggle you have, every time you hold back, it's all meaningless.
Last Sunday the priest at a church I went to talked about how short life is, and how you should always live because before you know it, it's over. Like Thoreau once alluded: don't live just to survive, live to thrive.
As I sit here, I think of the mischievous twinkle you always had in your eye as if you had a little secret to life you were waiting for others to discover. Every time I saw you and asked how you were, the first thing you would say was, "Today's another day I get to live, how could I not be happy? It's a beautiful day to be alive."
Sometimes the sadness I feel at losing you feels overwhelming, as if just one more moment to talk with you would be enough. Just one more time to hear your voice, one more moment to tell you I love you, one more second to say goodbye.
Sometimes I feel at peace knowing you have joined your family, you have finally gone home. All the heartache you endured in this lifetime - it's unfathomable and remarkable how beautiful you lived your life despite of all the loss you had to endure - losses no person should ever have to endure.
Sometimes I feel jealousy. Jealousy that you're home now, that you're with the Savior, that you now have found the ultimate love and have found true answers.
Sometimes when I wonder if this life is completely pointless, when I wonder why we have to live only to die, I pray that I'm at least doing something right. I pray for forgiveness for my ignorance, for my faults and failings, for my doubts. Most of all, I pray for forgiveness of my questions, which most often lead me to gray areas. I guess that's where faith comes in, because without it, we truly are lost into the abyss.
So my hope for you, for me, for all of us, is that someday we are joined together in love. That the promise of redemption is one of love, ultimate forgiveness, and genuine inclusion. A promise that says, "I am with you, always."
"I have this hope
In the depth of my soul
In the flood or the fire
You're with me and you won't let go"
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