Don't live to eat, eat to live
We're coming to the end of National Eating Disorder Awareness week, so I felt this was a good time to share some thoughts. I've been speaking with a close friend about this lately, so that's part of the reason I'm writing, but also because I've become more aware of this issue in so many lives. Many are too afraid to admit it, but I can see it in their eyes.
I'll start off with a disclaimer: If I could give you the words to heal you, I WOULD. But I can't. Regardless of how much I can talk, give advice, say all the things that should make this go away, it won't go away without your consent. It won't go away without your will. It won't go away until the voice of willpower inside you is greater than the voice inside you shouting your defeat. I wish I could take these struggles away from you, but I can't. And I'm so sorry that you feel alone. I'm so sorry you feel defeated. I'm so sorry you feel like no one truly understands, there's no way out, you're trapped in a disease of your own voice. I'm sorry.
All I can do is give you some insight. Make you think. Make you realize that this can be overcome.
I read an anonymous blog that described this person's eating disorder. I'm going to use the pronoun "she" for reading's sake, but no gender was specified. It was about a girl who was athletic all of her life. Her entire family was. When she entered high school, she became determined to be "healthy" so she started eating low fat foods, watching her caloric intake, and gave up sweets because she had been teased at how much of a sweet tooth she had. She was in a sport, and would run a mile to practice, then workout during her practice. She lost weight very quickly, and very dramatically. One month later she was down 40lbs. People started commenting on how impressed they were. Soon enough her caloric intake was at 500cal a day. She was 5'7" and weighed 100lbs. Her head hurt, she was tired, her body ached, she started to isolate herself, and every day became a battle. She had always been close to her family, so they seemed not to notice the amount of weight she was losing, or the ease at which she skipped meals. She started realizing how obsessed she became with her weight, but didn't know how to stop it, despite other's concerns. Funny enough, she really did feel happy. She liked being weightless, being free. But maybe she just turned off her emotions so she didn't have to feel anything else.
After some years later, she began to let herself eat again, but this time, it was too much. She began binging, forcing herself to eat until it hurt, a new obsession. These days where she would eat a lot were sparse at first, but became more consistent until it was every day she put herself through this torture. No one considered her overweight, but the pain and loss of control were clearly unhealthy. She remembered hiding away at Christmas, a time she loved, because she had eaten too much and felt so ashamed she didn't want to be around those that might see through her.
Then she started running. Miles upon miles, binging, then running. In a cycle that would make a gerbil on a running wheel tired.
She wants to learn to trust herself again.
I was really surprised by the end of this story. I was waiting for some revelation, some "step by step guide" that showed how she overcame everything. But it simply ended with a cry of help. With someone who needed to share her story, someone who desperately wants to get better.
So here's my only advice for those suffering.
I've started to really take notice of how important a meal with friends and family is. I've missed out on a lot, a lot, of these meals, by being 'too busy' to eat, or full from eating earlier, or not willing to eat more, or whatever the case may be. And despite the fact that the past is the past, I still feel incredibly sad about this. Because I wonder if things would be different, if friendships would be stronger, or simply if those I know struggling would be healthier.
Having a meal with people isn't just about the food; in reality it has very little to do with the food. It's the community, the willingness to relax, the ability to enjoy one's self with another. Oh how I wish those of you struggling could come to the realization that life is about so much more than food.
I want you to know that you're not alone in your struggle. I want you to know that YOU HAVE A CHOICE in this, whether you believe it or not. I know what it's like to feel like every day you'll be better, only to be let down by your own actions. To reject invitations, opportunities, and take away the things you love because you feel like you don't deserve them. You haven't earned them. But my love, I want you to know none of us have earned anything. We have been given everything.
We all make mistakes, have fears, are weakened by this world, but that's not an excuse not to fight back with everything you've got. When you are weak, He is strong. I always thought this verse meant sit back and wait for Him to act. I've thought that in my relationships, in my weight, in my job, in my life. I never wanted to take a step forward, for fear it was in the wrong direction. But I learned from a very beautiful lady that the waiting stage isn't a stage of idleness, but of preparation. The Lord will give you the strength to do what you have to do, but you are the one that must carry it out. You need to take action.
Your life is far too precious to waste away.
Don't live to eat, eat to live.
And in the mean time, I'll say a little prayer for you. Say a little prayer for me?
I'll start off with a disclaimer: If I could give you the words to heal you, I WOULD. But I can't. Regardless of how much I can talk, give advice, say all the things that should make this go away, it won't go away without your consent. It won't go away without your will. It won't go away until the voice of willpower inside you is greater than the voice inside you shouting your defeat. I wish I could take these struggles away from you, but I can't. And I'm so sorry that you feel alone. I'm so sorry you feel defeated. I'm so sorry you feel like no one truly understands, there's no way out, you're trapped in a disease of your own voice. I'm sorry.
All I can do is give you some insight. Make you think. Make you realize that this can be overcome.
I read an anonymous blog that described this person's eating disorder. I'm going to use the pronoun "she" for reading's sake, but no gender was specified. It was about a girl who was athletic all of her life. Her entire family was. When she entered high school, she became determined to be "healthy" so she started eating low fat foods, watching her caloric intake, and gave up sweets because she had been teased at how much of a sweet tooth she had. She was in a sport, and would run a mile to practice, then workout during her practice. She lost weight very quickly, and very dramatically. One month later she was down 40lbs. People started commenting on how impressed they were. Soon enough her caloric intake was at 500cal a day. She was 5'7" and weighed 100lbs. Her head hurt, she was tired, her body ached, she started to isolate herself, and every day became a battle. She had always been close to her family, so they seemed not to notice the amount of weight she was losing, or the ease at which she skipped meals. She started realizing how obsessed she became with her weight, but didn't know how to stop it, despite other's concerns. Funny enough, she really did feel happy. She liked being weightless, being free. But maybe she just turned off her emotions so she didn't have to feel anything else.
After some years later, she began to let herself eat again, but this time, it was too much. She began binging, forcing herself to eat until it hurt, a new obsession. These days where she would eat a lot were sparse at first, but became more consistent until it was every day she put herself through this torture. No one considered her overweight, but the pain and loss of control were clearly unhealthy. She remembered hiding away at Christmas, a time she loved, because she had eaten too much and felt so ashamed she didn't want to be around those that might see through her.
Then she started running. Miles upon miles, binging, then running. In a cycle that would make a gerbil on a running wheel tired.
She wants to learn to trust herself again.
I was really surprised by the end of this story. I was waiting for some revelation, some "step by step guide" that showed how she overcame everything. But it simply ended with a cry of help. With someone who needed to share her story, someone who desperately wants to get better.
So here's my only advice for those suffering.
I've started to really take notice of how important a meal with friends and family is. I've missed out on a lot, a lot, of these meals, by being 'too busy' to eat, or full from eating earlier, or not willing to eat more, or whatever the case may be. And despite the fact that the past is the past, I still feel incredibly sad about this. Because I wonder if things would be different, if friendships would be stronger, or simply if those I know struggling would be healthier.
Having a meal with people isn't just about the food; in reality it has very little to do with the food. It's the community, the willingness to relax, the ability to enjoy one's self with another. Oh how I wish those of you struggling could come to the realization that life is about so much more than food.
I want you to know that you're not alone in your struggle. I want you to know that YOU HAVE A CHOICE in this, whether you believe it or not. I know what it's like to feel like every day you'll be better, only to be let down by your own actions. To reject invitations, opportunities, and take away the things you love because you feel like you don't deserve them. You haven't earned them. But my love, I want you to know none of us have earned anything. We have been given everything.
We all make mistakes, have fears, are weakened by this world, but that's not an excuse not to fight back with everything you've got. When you are weak, He is strong. I always thought this verse meant sit back and wait for Him to act. I've thought that in my relationships, in my weight, in my job, in my life. I never wanted to take a step forward, for fear it was in the wrong direction. But I learned from a very beautiful lady that the waiting stage isn't a stage of idleness, but of preparation. The Lord will give you the strength to do what you have to do, but you are the one that must carry it out. You need to take action.
Your life is far too precious to waste away.
Don't live to eat, eat to live.
And in the mean time, I'll say a little prayer for you. Say a little prayer for me?
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