Conversations from a graveyard
There's so much I have to say. So, here goes everything.
I stopped at the graveyard today. Impulsively. I was driving home from the store when a song came on from Tenth Avenue North, and I totally lost it. I haven't cried in a long time. It's really weird, I used to cry almost every night, but since last year, I just don't cry much. Today though, today it all broke free.
It wasn't one thing that hit me, but a thousand things. I've been resisting the want to call certain people because I know I need to let go. The strength of that is draining. I've been studying and worrying about classes and life after school. The stress of that is draining. I'm sure you all have your own stresses and strength drainers in life; today was a mix of everything.
I pulled into the graveyard and just cried. I cried for all the people who were buried here, their earthly life over. I cried for those who may not have known Christ. I cried for all those who have lost loved ones. I cried for all those I love that have not found Christ. I cried for the uncertainty of what finding Christ truly means. I cried and cried, wondering if this loss, this heartache, this deep sadness is what Christ feels for those who turn away from him, for His children who don't trust him.
I used to think I was indestructible. Now I realize just how fragile I am.
My dad told me the other day that I am my own worst enemy. Of course I was like, "Yeah, yeah, I know.." and he cut me off, saying, "No, Diana. No you don't know. It's not until you really understand that will things begin to change." And that made me really think.
I was walking aimlessly around Walmart, trying to take some time away from studying and just wander. The longer I live in a city, the more I realize just how much I love the country. Don't get me wrong, I do love all the things offered and the opportunities available, but I must admit I spend a lot more money living here without any real purpose. It's made me realize even more that I don't want a fast paced life, full of things. Sometimes I close my eyes and pretend I'm in the country, big yard, someone I love playing catch with our kid in the yard, animals running around, kids running around, a peace that I can't describe. I never realized that being in a city, surrounded by people, could make you feel so alone.
I don't mean that in a depressing way, I have great roommates, have made fun friendships, and I know this time here is temporary. I just mean that without certain people in your life, things change. Priorities change. Life loses some of it's luster.
I've also learned how much words can make a difference.
As I was wondering around the store, I got a phone call. I was currently on a mission to buy all of the ingredients to make trail mix and was fully ready to give myself a stomach ache from eating it all, maybe in a way to soothe whatever I was feeling. As I talked to this person, my mission was distracted a bit, as their words soaked into me. At the end of the conversation, they simply said, "I love you" and hung up. I stood there, the words penetrating through me, and I no longer felt the need to punish myself with sickness. I no longer felt the need to fill my emptiness with food. I simply felt the love and acceptance for who I am. I was okay with where I was. I was content with just being. I was amazed by the fact that three words changed the entire course of my night.
What direction are your words leading others?
Pay attention to what you say to others.
Pay attention to how you are living.
Pay attention to how others are feeling.
Life is short, pay attention.
I stopped at the graveyard today. Impulsively. I was driving home from the store when a song came on from Tenth Avenue North, and I totally lost it. I haven't cried in a long time. It's really weird, I used to cry almost every night, but since last year, I just don't cry much. Today though, today it all broke free.
I pulled into the graveyard and just cried. I cried for all the people who were buried here, their earthly life over. I cried for those who may not have known Christ. I cried for all those who have lost loved ones. I cried for all those I love that have not found Christ. I cried for the uncertainty of what finding Christ truly means. I cried and cried, wondering if this loss, this heartache, this deep sadness is what Christ feels for those who turn away from him, for His children who don't trust him.
I used to think I was indestructible. Now I realize just how fragile I am.
My dad told me the other day that I am my own worst enemy. Of course I was like, "Yeah, yeah, I know.." and he cut me off, saying, "No, Diana. No you don't know. It's not until you really understand that will things begin to change." And that made me really think.
I was walking aimlessly around Walmart, trying to take some time away from studying and just wander. The longer I live in a city, the more I realize just how much I love the country. Don't get me wrong, I do love all the things offered and the opportunities available, but I must admit I spend a lot more money living here without any real purpose. It's made me realize even more that I don't want a fast paced life, full of things. Sometimes I close my eyes and pretend I'm in the country, big yard, someone I love playing catch with our kid in the yard, animals running around, kids running around, a peace that I can't describe. I never realized that being in a city, surrounded by people, could make you feel so alone.
I don't mean that in a depressing way, I have great roommates, have made fun friendships, and I know this time here is temporary. I just mean that without certain people in your life, things change. Priorities change. Life loses some of it's luster.
I've also learned how much words can make a difference.
As I was wondering around the store, I got a phone call. I was currently on a mission to buy all of the ingredients to make trail mix and was fully ready to give myself a stomach ache from eating it all, maybe in a way to soothe whatever I was feeling. As I talked to this person, my mission was distracted a bit, as their words soaked into me. At the end of the conversation, they simply said, "I love you" and hung up. I stood there, the words penetrating through me, and I no longer felt the need to punish myself with sickness. I no longer felt the need to fill my emptiness with food. I simply felt the love and acceptance for who I am. I was okay with where I was. I was content with just being. I was amazed by the fact that three words changed the entire course of my night.
What direction are your words leading others?
Pay attention to what you say to others.
Pay attention to how you are living.
Pay attention to how others are feeling.
Life is short, pay attention.
So many of us are consumed with the worries of "What is next?" in our lives. Or more relevant to most Christians: "what is God's will for me?" "Why am I here?" It is true that the place we will find our most contentment is living smack-dab in the center of God's will, but we have a bad habit of over complicating these simple wonders. God's will is not hidden from us. It is plain for us to see. From front to back...cover to cover in the bible his will is: 1)The redemption of His people 2) the glorification of his great name.
ReplyDeleteWe need not worry ourselves (be our worst enemies) with "should I go right or left?" "Should I pick the blue or the red?" God simply wants us to just live............... and as we do so, commune with and grow in Him, worship him and proclaim His Gospel. In doing so, no matter where life takes us, we will find ourselves smack dab in the center of His will. Be Great....for he has made you great.
I never thought of God's will being so plain for us to see, I really like how you put that. I know so many people (including myself!) that overanalyze what it means to carry out God's will, and I always assumed it was this really big thing we need to figure out and then proceed to fulfill. Sometimes I forget that God wouldn't hide something from us that He so desperately wants us to see.
DeleteI am going to ask you one thing though, do you think finding a certain career is part of God's plan, or do you think what we do for a job is insignificant? As in, do you believe there is a time and place for us to carryout our work life, or is work simply a manmade principle and no matter what you choose, it is God's will? [Does that question make sense?]